Thursday, January 31, 2008

Same crap different day

I've just about had enough today. I feel so many different things at the moment I am not sure how to focus my feelings. Everyday just lately has felt like one slap in the face after another. I believe I must be some sort of idiot or have a sign hung around my neck saying 'hey, come and walk all over me, I don't mind.'

Sigh.

I had set myself a deadline of finding a new job by the end of this month. I have been out of work now for about 3 months and I feel absolutely gutted that here I am still not working and with no propsect of securing a decent job in the forseeable future. Where did it all go wrong? What is wrong with me?

Part of me, the really negative side, feels like I've been a complete and utter failure. Its like I've finally been found out. That I am thoroughly crap and useless and I've only just realised it. If I wasn't surely I'd have a job by now?

I got turned down for the job that I'd applied for where I used to work. I had the test and interview last Thursday - where they kept me waiting for half-hour - and only got the feedback today that I didn't 'meet the required competencies' for the role! What the f**k does that mean?! I thought it had gone well and the fact that I can't even secure myself a crappy job answering the 'phones really does my head in. Am I so utterly unemployable that I can't even do a school leaver's job? And they've messed me around so much. I had to 'phone five - yes FIVE - times to get that piece of feedback. Well, thanks so much for wasting my time!

About five minutes after I had that call I had a call from a friend who I used to work with. He suggested e-mailing my CV across to his Manager and was as surprised as I was that I'd been turned down for a job where we both used to work. That at least made me feel a little bit better. But the best he could offer was a role paying £15K a year in Coventry - that's half what I was earning a few months ago! And no matter how much I move the figures around it would be financially unviable with the travelling costs.

I feel so utterly shit at the moment. I don't know whether to be angry or just sit in the corner and cry. It's probably just as well that I live on my own because I really want to hit someone at the moment. Aaaaarrrrgh!

I decided that just sitting here beating myself up about it all isn't going to get me anywhere. So, I've taken a deep breath, looked at my budget for each month and what I have coming in and I am going to have to make some drastic changes. I need to prioritise what is critical and what is not. I also made a list of agencies to call in the morning and I've set myself the lowest hourly rate I can possibly live on and I am just going to keep going until someone gives me a job. I am not going to put up with this crap any longer. I can't. I think I am slowly going mad or at least that is what it feels like. I am not going to let this defeat me, am not going to give in.

Please bear with me, I hope to resume normal service soon...

2 comments:

jamie said...

chin up,mark... at least you had a well payed job,i've always had a lousy paid job... my own fault,i know,but nonetheless...
don't despair,as you know there are people far worse of than yourself,by a long shot... not that it's any consolation.
you're a winner,who's just having a bad run of shit luck.
it'll pass,and happy days are just around the corner,mark my words.
-which is what i said last month,lol...

Carla said...

(((HUG)))

Your feelings are completely normal and understandable. Your plan is sensible. You are showing true courage and resilience in this trying time, truly!

You are not a failure.

Mark, you are a wonderful and valuable human being and you are going to come out of the other side of this. You'll look back and it will be a blur of just one more thing you've got through.

We believe in you.

((((Another HUG)))))