A wonderful week

Good news came on Wednesday. I have been offered and accepted a new job working in London. I had my second interview on the Tuesday afternoon, which had more the format of an informal chat rather than a structured interview. I like the office where I will be working and the people there seem nice. It is a good location too, being in Tottenham Court Road so walking distance from the shops of Oxford Street and the delights of the West End. Its a walkable distance from Euston too, so won't have to fuss around with tubes or buses although no doubt there will be occasions when it will be necessary. I am just waiting at the moment for my formal offer of employment before I hand in my notice.

I feel many different things about changing jobs. Part of me is excited to have this new opportunity and from what I've learned from the two interviews, it could well be a spring-board to other things. The company I will be working for is a fast-growing and young firm and there seems to be many opportunities to develop and move on. This is vastly different from where I am now and I feel that until this job came along my career had stalled. Tempered with this looking forward to a new job is fear and anxiety. Until you work somewhere you have no real idea of what it will be like, how good or bad a company it really is or even what my new colleagues will be like. I intend to take it a step at a time. Find my feet and get settled before making any big decisions such as possibly moving closer to London. That's a long term aim, possibly moving to somewhere like Watford or the other side of London, say Reading or maybe even the Essex side. Certainly somewhere, which is a closer commutable distance than now. The travelling though doesn't bother me too much. I like travelling by train and I fully intend to use the opportunity to relax and not see it as an extended part of the working day.

I was in London again on Wednesday evening for the BBC Proms at the Royal Albert Hall. It was a rather fraught trip due to the train being delayed and I only just made it before the concert started at 7pm. A wonderful evening of music though and a sort of unplanned treat for the good news I'd had earlier in the day. The first half of the concert was music by Beethoven - Overture 'Leonore' No 3 and Barber - Violin Concerto. The second half featured Copland's Symphony No 3. What was particularly enjoyable was the opportunity to see one of my favourite orchestras - the Bournemouth Symphony Orchestra and their conductor, the American-born Marin Alsop. I have Alsop's recordings with the Royal Scottish National Orchestra of the complete orchestral works of Samuel Barber.

Both Barber and Copland are American composers of the twentieth century who were responsible for defining the sound of American classical music. Barber is of course most famous for his Adagio for Strings although personally I am very much a fan of some of his choral music and First Essay for Orchestra. One of Copland's most famous and recognisable works, Fanfare for the Common Man, is incorporated into the Third Symphony. This was my first time hearing this piece and it is an exhilarating work with a wonderful final movement where the Fanfare for the Common Man dominates.

I was due to go to the Proms again on Friday night but being too tired and having to get up early for work yesterday thwarted that idea. However, I am going to the Proms a few more times over the summer, looking forward in particular to hearing three of Mahler's symphonies and Walton's First Symphony.

Yesterday I picked up my three newly framed Star Wars prints. I've hung two of them this morning and they look wonderful, I am very pleased. The third, a dramatic and brilliant print by Dave Dorman, will have to wait a few days as I need to get something sturdy to hang it with as it is a big piece and fairly heavy.

I finally bought The Making of Star Wars, a lavish large hardback book, which charts the making of A New Hope. I've flicked through Jamie's copy before and have been promising myself that I would buy it; just waiting for the price to come down a bit. Its certainly worth the money although like any book this size, its one that really needs to have a bit of time spent studying it and sitting down at a table to be able to read properly.

This coming week is probably going to be a little mundane in comparison to the one just gone although have our annual Park Meet with the Groovy Gang to look forward to this coming Saturday.

A busy week ahead

I am listening to Alan Titchmarsh on Radio 2 as I type this, a show that I've missed probably each of the last 5 weeks or thereabouts as I seem to have been away and doing stuff every weekend since the middle of June. I like listening to Alan Titchmarsh on a Sunday evening as it is a gentle and relaxed way to wind down at the end of the weekend and he normally plays a great selection of music, really just about anything.

This coming week is a big week for me. I had two interviews last week in London and I have a second interview for one of them on Tuesday; the other job I should find out about tomorrow. I have everything crossed that I get offered either or both jobs. I'll be devastated if I don't. Both offer a step up in my career, new and exciting opportunities and a chance to broaden my horizons and experience. I also heard back last week from a job that I'd applied for so long ago that I'd forgotten about it. That was working as Timing Assistant with Network Rail; unfortunately I can't make the interview date but I've asked if they can arrange it for Tuesday as I will be in London anyway for the other job. I don't hold out much hope though although it has long been a dream of mine to work for the railway... we'll see...

Apart from the job interview on Tuesday, I am going down to London on Wednesday and Friday evenings for the BBC Proms. The two Proms I am seeing this coming week I am particularly looking forward too. Wednesday night's concert features American music - Barber and Copland, while Friday's concert features Britten and Nielson, composers whose work I am getting to know and enjoying. I haven't actually seen or heard any of the Proms concerts yet this year as either I've been busy doing other stuff or forgetting when they're on.

Hopefully, next weekend I should be picking up my framed Star Wars prints that I bought at Celebration Europe. I am looking forward to getting them up on my wall!

I bought Kingdom of Heaven last week in the sale in HMV. I've been toying with buying the film for a long time and although it is directed by Ridley Scott what has put me off has been the thought of Orlando Bloom in the lead. Not exactly the most dynamic of actors and I have my doubts that he can carry a film. However Kingdom of Heaven was a bargain at £7 for the Collectors Edition and I'll give it a fair viewing.

An excellent film that I watched this weekend was The Sea Inside with a magnificent and powerful performance by Javier Bardem who not so much plays as is Ramon Sampedro, a quadriplegic who fights a near 30-year battle to end his life with dignity. It is clear where the director's sympathies lie on the euthanasia debate but this is a film that doesn't shy away from the complex issues nor the tragic and devastating effect that Sampedro's decision has on those around him. While not overly sentimental, this is a film that pricks the eyes with tears at every turn and there are moments when it becomes almost unbearably sad. Despite its dark and difficult subject matter, The Sea Inside is a story of hope and inspiration and as much about life as it is about death.

Channel 4 are currently showing a short-season of programmes to mark the fortieth anniversary of the decriminalisation of homosexuality. Last night's A Very British Sex Scandal was a restrained but moving account of the trial of Lord Montague and his friend, Daily Mail reporter, Peter Wildblood for homosexual offences. This landmark 1950s case led to a change in public attitudes towards homosexuality and its eventual decriminalisation. Particularly poignant was hearing from gay men who lived through the witch-hunts of the 1950s. The programme underlines how some of our attitudes towards homosexuality have changed - after all we no longer see it as a disease or a moral malaise as it was characterised in the 1950s - but I do wonder how accepting as a society we are towards gay men. Indeed the programmes in this series on Channel 4 are mainly being shown very late at night, perhaps reflecting our uneasiness with homosexuality in the mainstream and homophobia it seems is on a sharp upward trend. Maybe it is not so much that our attitudes have changed, its that we feel it no longer acceptable to broadcast our ill-ease with homosexuality publicly?

Starting this Wednesday is Heroes, which I am going to miss as I'll be at the Proms so must remember to set the DVD to record this! I am much looking forward to watching the series all the way through having caught confusing bits and pieces of it while it was being shown on the Sci-Fi Channel.

Celebration Europe

Wow, what a weekend! Three days of wall to wall Star Wars! Could this have been the closest I've been to paradise?? Can you tell that I am just a little excited about Celebration Europe at the weekend? I loved it!!!

I was glad that I did all 3 days of the show as it was necessary to really enjoy the experience and savour the atmosphere. Plus it meant that I got to see most, albeit not all, of the many things I wanted to do. I came away with some very happy memories and sore feet! The best bits for me were undoubtedly being with the 'Groovy Gang' over the weekend, that wonderful posse of friends that make it all so worthwhile plus having my photo taken with Robert Watts, who worked as associate producer and latterly producer on all three original Star Wars films and finally, buying some lovely pieces of artwork. The latter are currently away, being framed and will be taking pride of place on the walls in my flat as a permanent reminder of an amazing weekend.

Yesterday, a colleague asked me why I like Star Wars so much. I find that such a difficult question to answer but then again what is there not to like about Star Wars? I think I summed it up by saying that Star Wars is like a modern myth, a fairytale for the current generation and as for why it got me hooked to start with, well simply because it is so unlike anything else before or since. Many have tried to copy or recapture the magic of Star Wars but no one has quite succeeded. Star Wars is unique in both its cultural appeal and the enormity of its influence across cultures, languages and ethnicities. Star Wars has something for everyone and I guess at its heart a universal story that we all understand of good conquering evil.

Star Wars also seems to bring out the best in people and unifies a diverse and disparate community of fans. We are all as one in our passion and admiration of the films and I am constantly surprised and impressed by how these films have inspired and encouraged people in their own creative endeavours. Star Wars very much seems to bring out the best of the talent whether it be making films, model-making, art or costuming.

Celebration Europe then was a celebration of all these things, of all the wonder, excitement, thrills and fun of Star Wars. I felt incredibly proud to be there, to be one of the many thousands of fans and sharing a wonderful and unmissable experience together. Fantastic!

Just a quickie

Here I am 10.30 on the Thursday night before a weekend at Celebration Europe and I feel no excitement or anticipation for what will be the biggest Star Wars event ever held in the UK. All I can summon is a mix of mild fear and apprehension. Not sure how good its going to be, although recent announcements of guests and events sound good and a little uncertain whether the event is going to be so mobbed with crowds that I will spend the whole day elbow to elbow with sweaty geeks... ah well, I am sure I'll be excited come the morning and moreover when I get off the DLR at Custom House...

Just about to put some new music on to my MP3 player for the weekend and an eclectic choice I have chosen: Andy Williams, Take That, Billy Ocean, Elgar and Khachaturian. Like them all; the first three being bargain CD's I've bought this week. I suppose its a guilty secret of mine that I've always liked Take That even though I would have denied it at the height of their popularity back in the mid-1990s. I think I am at an age now where I don't much care what people think of my choice of music or choice of anything else. I like what I like and I know what I like thanks very much!

The latter two CDs are of course classical and from the Elgar one I am going to take the Enigma Variations - a live recording with the LSO. The Khachaturian one is also the LSO and features one of my favourite pieces of classical music - Adagio of Spartacus & Phrygia from the ballet Spartacus. It's probably better known as the theme for the Onedin Line but this recording is a full version and it is wonderful, the music is really uplifting and exhilarating.

I heard back about the job that I applied for in Watford. As expected I didn't get the job although I did receive positive feedback and it seemed to come down to the fact that another person they interviewed had more relevant experience than I. Not too bothered as the travelling would have been hellish and very long days. Just got to focus my efforts on the two interviews I have next Wednesday. Fingers crossed for a positive outcome.

Updates on the weekend at Celebration Europe to follow as and when...

A bit like a rollercoaster

I've never been on a roller coaster and I have no desire to either but the last week or so probably feels much the same. It has been an up and down time with some bumpy bits although things are looking up again, which is good.

I had a second interview in Watford last Tuesday, which I think went well. I felt confident, comfortable and I think I came across as articulate and knowledgeable. However, I didn't feel so sure that it was the place I would want to work and the steer I had from the interviewer was that perhaps I should be looking for something better. Not that they were obviously trying to put me off but I got that vibe. Added to that there was a thunderstorm just as I left the office (perhaps an omen?) although I was saved from a thorough drenching by the timely arrival of the bus. At least I have some idea what the journey home would be like from Watford - two buses one either end and the train sandwiched between. If the connections work well, perhaps 1 1/2 hours tops, at worst about 2 hours. Too long a day really coupled with the fact that my working week would increase from 35 to 40 hours. If I lived a bit closer I think it would be reasonable but commuting from Milton Keynes (even if I had a car) would become a drag after a while.

I felt a little deflated afterwards but then thinking about it, the interview was good experience. Its the first I've had for a while and I felt comfortable and confident, which did surprise me as experience of previous interviews is that they are nerve shredding experiences. I still haven't heard the outcome although I 'know' that they will not be offering me the job.

Fortunately I have two other jobs on the go at the moment with another interview next Wednesday and one possibly this week or next. These two jobs are in London - the one next week is Tottenham Court Road, which is not far from where I was working in London last year. The salaries on offer are much better than what I am receiving now, which they need to be to compensate for the travelling expenses. They would be easier to get too than the Watford job - Milton Keynes to London is an okay commute. I am under no illusions that it would be longer days. That doesn't bother me too much if the pay is good and the job is rewarding and stimulating. Will see how they go.

Last Friday was a bad day, almost like Friday 13th had come a week earlier. The bad news was that the whole of the team that I used to work with up until last November are being made redundant. It came as a shock even though I knew that a review was on the cards. It is not nice to know that all my former colleagues are going, especially as they were the ones who I first worked with when I moved to Milton Keynes and made me feel so welcome and happy during those early months in my new job. I also feel some guilt for being the one who is not being made redundant. If I hadn't changed jobs last November, I would be amongst those going now.

I had the unenviable task on Friday afternoon of covering their 'phones as naturally they were all allowed to go home. Friday's are always busy because of course it is a popular day for mortgage completions and on top of all my upset at seeing my colleagues going I had some very difficult cases to look at and resolve quickly to ensure that customers could move home plus answer all the queries that couldn't be dealt with by anyone else. I felt absolutely shattered by the time I left the office on Friday, with a long train journey ahead of me on my way back to Pompey for the weekend. In some ways the journey was good because it gave me an opportunity to collect my thoughts, switch off from work and relax.

The weekend was fantastic although I won't go into huge detail here as it will turn off anyone who is not interested in railways and particularly steam engines. Briefly, yesterday was the 40th anniversary of the end of steam on what was then the BR Southern Region. To commemorate this historic event, various rail tours were run over the weekend along with galas at heritage railways. On Saturday I went to the Mid Hants Railway and had a wonderful day experiencing their gala, travelling behind as many steam locos as I could between Alton and Alresford. It was the closest I am ever likely to come to those poignant last days of steam in 1967. Later in the day I rushed back to Fareham to photograph 34067 Tangmere as she thundered through with the 'Southern Phoenix' rail tour en route back to London Waterloo. That was quite a breathtaking experience, I was grinning from ear to ear! On Sunday I headed out to Salisbury to see and photograph two more rail tours - this time 850 Lord Nelson, which was heading to Exeter and just a few minutes later 35028 Clan Line with 'The Waterloo Sunset' heading for Poole. It was a marvellous experience and exhilarating to see these powerful and magnificent locos, where they should be, out on the mainline.

I am looking forward to another fantastic weekend this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday as it is Star Wars Celebration Europe in London. My ticket, after many weeks anxious waiting, has finally arrived and the programme for the weekend looks impressive. I am much looking forward to this.

It's been a busy week...

Last Thursday morning I had a job interview in Watford. Getting there was a bit of a pain and expensive because the interview was at 10am and thus peak fares apply on the train (no Railcard discount). Anyways, although it was a bit of a hassle now I know where the place is and a couple of alternative buses that will get me to and from there, it won't be so bad when I go back for my second interview tomorrow afternoon. I am pleased to have got called back for a second interview as it must mean that I said something half-intelligent at the last one and presumably ticked some right boxes on the form that the lady from HR was furiously filling in. The company looked as if it would be a nice place to work; the people I met were friendly, the offices were smart and clean and from reading the staff magazine it seems like a place where the staff are looked after and well treated.

The only negatives are that the job is in Watford and on an industrial estate, so nowhere exciting to go at lunch, the pay doesn't appear that great and travelling would be about 3 hours a day (door to door). The way I am looking at it at the moment is that this is good interview experience and if and it is probably a big if they make me an offer of the right salary package I will take the job and look to move a bit closer say in 6 months ,after I've settled in.

My current work is being a bit awkward about it all. I found out about my second interview last Friday and asked my manager if I could leave at 3pm tomorrow (interview is at 4.30pm) and make the two hours up tomorrow and Wednesday. Apparently what appears such a reasonable request is wholly unreasonable simply because I won't tell my manager why I need to leave early. Somehow I don't think telling her that I am going for an interview would have been a big vote winner, lol! So, I've had to take a half-day's leave, which is completely stupid as it means that I will now be out of the office for a whole afternoon instead of just a couple of hours, which I would have made up anyway. Arrghh!

I've had a lot of interest in my CV on Monster as well, which is pleasing. I 'phoned one agency back last Thursday and they are going to contact me when they get some vacancies around the salary I am currently on. They'll be jobs in or around Milton Keynes. I've had two further messages today from agencies, which I'll deal with tomorrow. In addition I also applied for another job where I currently work, although working in a different area and with someone who I've had lots of dealings with over the years and respect and like. If that comes through it would be nice and a bit of a bonus on the salary front as well.

I feel positive about things at the moment and know that I can get myself a new job and a new challenge, just choosing the right one will be the difficult part.

Last Wednesday was a retirement lunch for my former manager. I hadn't been invited, which I admit I wasn't pleased about although on reflection it seems that it was an oversight rather a deliberate decision not to invite me. As it happens I went anyway as no one else in my former team would go. The reasons why were petty and stupid and I thought a real slap in the face to the manager. After all none of them had the courtesy or the courage to say to her face the real reasons why they weren't coming and I thought it was a horrible and cruel gesture. Nevertheless, the lunch was nice and a 2-hour break away from the office!

The weekend I was in Feltham for my friend Tim's 30th birthday. The BBQ was somewhat ruined by the wet weather although it still went ahead and we all had a good time. The weather has ruined this evening as well as I was supposed to be watching the Twenty-Twenty cricket at Campbell Park but the match was abandoned due to the pitch presumably being unplayable.

This weekend I am heading off to Pompey to see my parents, so another weekend away, the third in a row, lol!

Fingers crossed for tomorrow at the moment...

Funbloodytastic!

That's my word to describe today. I don't know where it went wrong. Probably from the moment I opened my eyes and decided to drag myself out of bed and off to work. I was happy and relaxed after spending an enjoyable weekend at Derek & Carla's - congrats to Carla on obtaining her British citizenship :-)

So I get to work this morning and everything seems to go wrong. I should be used to all the stupid IT problems we have by now but for some reason every little annoyance got magnified in my mind and I was in a foul mood by lunchtime. Not helped by the fact that I was shunted off to another team today on what was my new team's official launch day.

I am so pissed off with work at moment. Its all crap. I nearly got up today and walked out of the office. I wasn't sure what I would do if I did or where I would go, only that I wouldn't ever come back. I have to take a step back and have a reality check whenever I feel like that. I simply couldn't afford to just walk out and part of me doesn't want to give 'them' the satisfaction of doing so.

The agency which has arranged an interview for me on Thursday keep messing me around. Firstly the interview was last Friday, then postponed to this Thursday afternoon and now in the morning. I wish they would make their freaking minds up!

And the same pattern at work. I don't know what I am doing from day to day, where I will be sitting or who I will be working with. All I know is that whatever it is it will be awful, either tediously boring (my new job) or all the crap that no one else will touch (like today). I just know I've got to get out and I've seen a few jobs on Monster.co.uk that look worth applying for. In fact I spend so much time on that site at the moment I think I should add it to my favourites!

Here's to a better today tomorrow...

Looking ahead

Just over a week ago I had an exam, which concluded the Open University politics course I was studying and I decided some time before, that I would have a break before returning to study. Not that I hadn't enjoyed the course because I had. It was more that as I have found with previous OU courses, trying to combine the studying with work and everything else becomes very difficult and I am not the most disciplined or self-motivated of people. I found parts of it a real struggle, not because it was intellectually above my level but because I needed to find the hook to get me started.

Anyhows, despite saying all that I've already signed myself up for a new course starting next February. At least it offers me something of a break and gives me time to sort out things with work etc. The course I am starting next year is called 'A world of whose making?' and combined with the course Governing Europe I did in 2005, it will complete a Diploma in Government & Politics. The reason I've chosen to combine these courses towards a diploma is because I think that setting myself a medium-term and realistic goal like this provides some impetus to do my best on the course next year and also means that I achieve a qualification before gaining my full degree. The good thing is that I can combine A world of whose making with my other courses taken towards my degree. It leaves my options open as to whether I go for an Open degree i.e. one not in a named subject or a degree in a named subject such as Politics or International Studies or perhaps a broader Social Science degree. It will though be another 3-4 years before I have the full degree although hopefully by the end of next year I will have my diploma.

Other goals I am setting myself are with my weight loss. I need to spend some time writing down what my short, medium and long term goals are and I need to plan in an exercise regime too. I do know the reasons why I want to loose weight and what weight I want to be but I feel unless I write these goals down, they will not seem real and will be easy to avoid. Like with my studies, I am going to set myself short-term goals as well as long-term ones. That way I can see achievements along the way, not just heading towards one ultimate destination, which I am realistic enough to know is going take some time to get too.

I've also set myself the goal of getting a new job before the end of the year. That seems quite a generous deadline but I am determined that I will achieve it before then, hopefully getting myself settled into a new job by early autumn. I did have an interview for tomorrow morning although that has had to be re-arranged due to the interviewer being on holiday although quite why this wasn't apparent when the interview was booked I don't know! I am keeping my options open and will go for any appropriate opportunities that arise.

Why don't I have a car?

People often ask me if I can drive and if I have car. When I explain that yes I can drive but don't have a car mostly they appear incredulous or pity me for having to get around by public transport. Some, I am sure secretly wonder if there is a life without a car. I've been accused of being defensive about these sort of questions and probably that is accurate. I do feel defensive and rightly or wrongly I often feel that people perceive me differently because I am not a member of the car driving majority. That I am somehow a 'poorer' person. It is probably me just being paranoid. To set the record straight these are the reasons (some well rehearsed) why I have never owned a car in my life and never intend to.

Like most things in adult life, my attitude towards owning a car were formed as a child. My parents never owned a car and it was a rare treat, normally once or twice a year when my Dad would hire a car for a few days or maybe a week during the summer. The freedom that it afforded, I must admit, was liberating. We could have days out all over, frequently going down to the New Forest or Eartham Woods (one of my favourite destinations) or just to the beach and for long drives. I thought it was a lot of fun and of course because it was a rare thing to have a car outside our house, it was a novelty too. I guess that I've always seen a car as a novelty, as something of a treat; a luxury rather than a necessity. The rest of the year, car-less we would make our way round by bus. Going on the train anywhere was even more a rarity than hiring a car! The train, my parents would frequently bemoan, was far too expensive. So, even a modest distance like going to Brighton for example, would involve a 3-hour bus ride there and back! Oh the joys of being bounced around on the top deck, spending most of the day getting to and coming back from our destination!

Here is perhaps the second point as to why I have never owned a car. Going on the bus was routine. It was the only way to get anywhere without walking. It was a pain at times, buses are sometimes late, don't turn up or don't take you exactly where you want to go. I've always been prepared to forgive all that though. I've accepted it I guess and despite the negativity that people often address towards buses, on the whole they're largely reliable, fairly inexpensive and convenient way to getting where you want. Not to mention you get a better view from the top deck!

Train trips as I mentioned were a novelty as a child but like most boys I had a fascination with the railways although I don't recall ever harbouring any real ambitions to be an engine driver. I was though a member of the Rail Riders club and as part of the club membership I got this giant wall chart, which stretched around two walls of my bedroom. The idea was to collect stickers for various destinations and tourist attractions on the chart. To enable budding Rail Riders like me to do this, as a member I got a book of vouchers saving between £1-£5 off the full priced rail fare. This was my incentive when pleading with my parents to take me somewhere on the train so that I could get a sticker too. My powers of persuasion were no better then they are now. There are only three distinct trips I remember making - one to Eastleigh, another to Winchester and the furthest was down to Poole! Plus a couple of times when my parents must have been feeling particularly adventurous we went to London.

I've always seen train trips in particular as something of an adventure. Now, as an adult and with a passion for railways to match that of me as a wide-eyed boy standing on the platform noting down numbers, I get a lot of interest and enjoyment from the railways. For me a journey on the train isn't just a means of getting from A to B. I feel that driving a car anywhere would be just that; a means to an end. After all what is so interesting about cars and roads and motorways? Not a lot in my view.

I passed my driving test about 10 years ago. I remember that the only reason I started learning to drive was because it was something that I felt I should do. There was perhaps some vague idea of getting a car when I passed but I wasn't serious about the idea. Driving lessons were akin to two hours of slow and terrifying torture. I am not a naturally confident person and behind the wheel any confidence I had was shot to pieces within a few minutes out on the road. I never felt entirely in control and I didn't enjoy any aspect of driving. In fact it is perhaps that I found the experience so traumatic and unpleasant that I've never wanted to drive since, despite passing my test first time. Even when I did pass, I made no real fuss about it. It was just a matter of fact thing. I'd done it, that was it. There was no feeling of elation or excitement, just a dull acceptance that I'd got through it.

Therefore with such a bad experience behind me why would I want a car and drive it every day?Especially when contrasted with such happy and contented memories of those rare trips out by train or the slightly less enjoyable but somehow fun expeditions on the bus? At least on the train or bus all the worry of how you're going to get from A to B is taken away. There is the opportunity to just sit back and relax.

I admit there are times when having a car would be so handy but the thing that dissuades me is the thought that it would be that would have to drive it!

So that in summary is why I don't have a car and never intend to have one. Questions, comments and criticisms welcome!

Still going forward but slowly

I weighed myself again this morning to see if I'd lost anything since last Monday. To my surprise I've lost 1/2lb, which I know is a minuscule amount really. But I've not been trying to loose weight and rather than beat myself up about it, I've taken it as a sign that I need to do better. I can make progress and I need to push myself hard this week to do so.

Last night I did my shopping on-line with Tesco (as I normally do) albeit this time I didn't just add things mindlessly to my virtual shopping trolley. I'd sat down beforehand, pulled the various low fat and healthy cookbooks off my bookshelf, where they've lain undisturbed for a good many months and selected a variety of meals that looked interesting and are fairly quick and easy. I have no skill when it comes to the kitchen so the more simple, the better. So my shopping list was geared around these recipes bulked out with vegetables and other fairly basic essentials like milk and bread. I feel quite pleased with myself as doing the shopping this way saved money and also I am looking forward to some of the fun sounding meals I am going to enjoy over the coming weeks.

Another thing that I've started doing recently is exercising more discipline when it comes to portion sizes and training myself to think that just because its there I don't have to eat it. I think that because as a child I was always told to eat up everything on my plate, it has become exaggerated as an adult and I have a tendency to eat too much.

Perhaps the most important change I've made is one in my attitude. I am trying very hard to not feel negative about food or beat myself up if and when I do over-indulge. I know that I will but I've got to get away from the negative feelings and build on positive thoughts. Instead of thinking that I can't have certain things, I need to think about all the foods that I can have. One thing which I have already given up is crisps. I've done so before but this time I am adamant that it will be a permanent change. Instead I have some nuts, which are both more nutritious and not covered in salt, although do have to watch the fat content! I think its these small and gradual changes, which are important. A lot of it is habit and I am trying to break the cycle of bad habits and create good ones.

Yep, its slow progress so far but this week I intend to push myself that bid harder and reap the benefits. Update to follow next Monday.

The God Delusion

After my comments yesterday about my difficulty in getting to grips with polemical novels, I've started reading Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion(!). Its a book that has been sitting on the shelf since Christmas so I thought it was time to read it and also I fancied a change from reading novels.

I haven't got far in and I am deliberately trying to appraise this book and Dawkins' arguments with a critical eye. I am not sure I entirely support his general hypothesis suggested by the books title, that a belief in God or religion for that matter, is for delusional people. That I find rather insulting and a little too obvious a statement to make. Apparently the book came about after Dawkins did a Channel 4 series called The Root of All Evil, although he carefully distances himself from the suggestion that religion can be characterised in such terms. The opening passages I read last night seemed to be a staunch defence of atheism as a 'belief' system and I am not entirely carried by that idea. I also wonder how he will deal with what appears to be an obvious paradox that by denying the existence of God (or any God) there is some form of tacit agreement that God (or a God in some form) must exist. Personally, as I've got older my feelings, which were largely atheist have moderated. I am not sure whether I do believe in God or not or if it really matters whether God does exist. Sometimes I feel that the commitment of belief is enough, to know whether what I believe is true or not, is not necessary. And maybe I am also attracted to the idea that there are at least some mysteries left, some truths that are unknowable.

I will see in the coming weeks whether Dawkins manages to convince me otherwise...

The Human Stain

Last night I finished reading The Human Stain by Phillip Roth. A curious book and one that I feel, as so often with novels that are either polemical or have some profound point to make, has a meaning that passes me by. The novel is (and this is all in my own words) the story of Coleman Silk, a retired college professor who has lived his whole life with a striking secret. The author Phillip Roth, appears in this book as an author(!) called Nathan Zuckerman who briefly becomes a close friend of Silk and is writing the book, The Human Stain! Essentially I got the impression that the human stain is the infinite secrets that we all have and the corrosive effect that those secrets have on those around us and closest to our hearts. Furthermore, it seemed to be making a strong point about how our prejudices and biases can have serious and sometimes catastrophic consequences for others. It is about the trail that we leave behind, the unavoidable imprint of who and what we are.

I guess we can never escape from the people that we are, although notably that is what the characters in The Human Stain appear to be trying to do. Coleman Silk, the most obvious example, is a Negro who has renounced his roots and lived his whole life as a 'white' man, cutting himself off from his family and keeping his true heritage secret from his wife of fifty years and his four children. It is the unravelling of this secret and Silk's life as a fake, that is the heart of The Human Stain.

This is the second book I have read by Roth, the first, The Plot Against America, was written in a similar style. It is a clever style as it felt to me like I was eavesdropping on these characters lives. It was interesting how Roth himself is both at once part of the story as a passive observer and also the narrator, an interesting storytelling device.

101 and up

Wow, this is my 101st post!

Slow progress

I've been agonising over whether to say this on my blog as I am not sure whether the public shame will motivate me or not! I've been thinking a lot over recent weeks and months about losing weight and not this time just for the short-term. I realise that I need to make long-term and permanent changes to what I eat and my levels of activity as frankly I don't like being fat and part of what is holding me back is my anxiety and unhappiness with my size. I need to regain some self-confidence and self-esteem and I think losing weight will go a long way to achieving both.

So last week I started to think more about what I am eating. In truth its something that I've been doing for a lot longer but I've reached a stage where I just know that if I carry on as I have been, I will make myself ill. As I suffer from high blood pressure losing weight will help bring that down and I am sure provide me with a greater sense of well being generally.

My first week hasn't been very promising. I've been more active but still eating too much of the wrong things. Some of it is laziness, other times its to punish myself or just through boredom and negativity.

Once I get through this week, which is going to be difficult, for all the reasons I've said before, I am going to set myself goals. Realistic, achievable goals of where I want to be, why and how I am going to do it. I think all too often in the past when I've tried to loose weight, I've never asked myself why I want to and therefore never understood what I've wanted at the end of it. And it has been all too easy to set myself targets which are too challenging and unachievable, so that I find it easy to think I've failed and therefore give up. One thing which I have read, which seems to make sense and fit in with where I've gone wrong before is that perfection is impossible, consistency is what is essential.

Even with the rather lacklustre efforts that I've made this part week I lost 3/4lbs. Really not much at all but a step in the right direction. And I know its all going to be little steps, small increments, modest progress but I am determined that I will get there. I am not going to give in or fail myself this time.

Get today over and I can deal with tomorrow

A sentiment that I often feel, that one, just get through today and tomorrow will be better. I can deal with things better tomorrow, when I am fresh and ready, my anxieties behind me. My anxiety today is an exam I am doing this afternoon. This is the culmination of my current Open University course, Power, Dissent, Equality: Understanding Contemporary Politics. Its a three hour exam during which I have to write three essay answers from a range of twelve questions. The questions are in two sections - one on the themes of the course and the other on the different blocks. I've seen the last couple of year's exam papers so know pretty much what to except. I can't help feeling at the moment that I know nothing about any of the course, that it has all somehow slipped me by and I've taken nothing in. Its not true, I do know a lot of the key points and issues but just not sure if I know enough. Can I just wing it in the end and do my best? I'll be glad come 5.30 when the exam is over and I can just come home and put it all behind me.

Then tomorrow there is facing up to being back at work, knowing that a lot of my colleagues are facing redundancy. I am glad in some ways that I am not there today as I imagine the atmosphere will be awful, much as it was come the news on Friday afternoon. As for me, my anger at my fate has abated somewhat, although I am very unhappy that in a weeks time I will be doing a new job, which I can't help but see as a demotion. It is a less demanding job than what I am doing now, less challenging and almost certainly less fulfilling. How do I know this? Because I've done part of the role before and know what is involved. I am upset because I feel like I am being told that I am not good enough for the team I work in now.

My mind is pretty much made up that I need to find a new job and quite honestly I want out of underwriting altogether. I think that whatever similar job I move into, even with another company, will be much the same as it is where I work now. I feel I need a clean break, a fresh challenge and to move onto something completely different. Too long I've been in my comfort zone and I need to push myself to get out of it.

There are many things that I am looking forward too, especially when today and perhaps this week, is out of the way. Saturday I am off on a steam-hauled excursion down to Kent, which I've been looking forward to for months; just waiting for my ticket to come. Tickets that have arrived today are those to the BBC Proms this summer, I am doing seven concerts in all over the season. This will undoubtedly be one of the highlights of the summer months for me and I am much looking forward to the experience.

In July I am going to Celebration Europe, an official Star Wars convention, the enthusiasm for which has been somewhat tempered by the lack of detail and non-arrival (so far) of the ticket that I booked several months ago. In a few weeks time it is my friend Tim's 30th Birthday and I am hoping that the weather holds for that; it should be a lovely day. I am also going to see Derek & Carla in Nuneaton the previous weekend, so two breaks in two weekends will be lovely! Carla has gained British citizenship and I am pleased to be going along to her Citizenship Ceremony.

Somewhere in between all that I am planning to visit my parents down in Portsmouth as I haven't been back since March! Its shocking how the weeks and particularly the weekends slip by with so many plans never fulfilled.

As I say if I can just get through today and into tomorrow, there is so much more to look forward too.

Saturday travels

Does anyone else ever have the feeling that some days it would have been better all round if they'd just stayed in bed? Pull up the covers, ignore the sun outside and pretend that the coming twenty-four hours isn't happening? I felt a bit like that yesterday. Day started off okay, the weather was nice, even at 6.30 in the morning and I decided as I mentioned earlier in the week to take myself off on the train. I'd even done some research on the web the night before and a day out to Great Malvern and Hereford looked appealing and do-able in a day. Planned the trains I would need to catch and knew which bus to get from home to get me to the station in time.

I wasn't feeling very cheerful yesterday, not with Friday's news at work - still got a job, just not the one I am doing now and I am not at all happy about that. Probably spoke my mind a little too forcefully as well and feeling a mix of anger, frustration, disappointment and anxiety about the future. My mood didn't really lift during the day and perhaps that along with everything else wasn't conducive to a day of 'getting away from it all.'

Anyhows, got up, dressed, had breakfast. Packed the things I needed the night before, so just needed to grab my bag and wait for the bus...which went sailing by as I left my flat, 5 minutes early! Okay, not to worry, I can walk through to the other main route and there's bound to be another bus. Sure enough, there would be, but for not twenty minutes which would be too late to make my train. So, with just enough time to spare, I decided to walk to Bletchley station, which is the nearer of the two stations I use.

Hot, sweaty but relieved I arrived at Bletchley with about 5 minutes to spare to get my ticket and train. Had ticket in my hand, just about ready to head off to get the train, when the fire alarm went off, station evacuated in a chaotic and hopelessly disorganised way. Turns out it was nothing more than the cappuccino machine in the coffee bar, which had set the alarm off. However, of course in the meantime the train I was meant to catch came into the station, stopped and sailed off again. So there went my plan to get to Hereford. It was still possible but I decided it probably wouldn't have been worthwhile.

Subsequent to missing my planned train, I had long waits for connections at both Milton Keynes Central and Northampton. Plan B came into action whilst I was waiting at Northampton and I had some vague idea of heading out to Crewe or Stafford. The connection would be okay at New Street or at least it was until the train I was on from Northampton was delayed due to signalling problems between Rugby and Coventry so I missed my connection from New Street.

By the time I got to Birmingham New Street it was time for Plan C, although I had no Plan C and was by now thoroughly pissed off. I very nearly just got the next train home but decided that would be an expensive waste of a day. If nothing else I was going to get value out of my West Midlands Day Ranger ticket. So I spent the day listlessly exploring the West Midlands by train, not enjoying any of it, my mind elsewhere and my anger and frustration at work on Friday compounded by the plans that had gone awry earlier in the day.

I suppose if nothing else, I should have a contingency plan in place in the future and at least make a day of it when I am in a better mood.

Tuesday

Thanks for the kind comments about the new look to the blog although I am having second thoughts about listing my favourite films, soundtracks and books on the main page. The problem is, they are lists that are neither complete nor fixed in stone. Only earlier this evening I was cursing the fact that I didn't mention Magnolia amongst my favourite films - it should be on there! I'll need to add it. I've tried though in picking my favourites to choose books, films and soundtracks, which have meant something both at the time I read, saw or heard them and which still make me think back to that first encounter. Maybe they elicited a particular emotion or feeling, connected with me and continue to do so, or in the case of soundtracks generally inspired and continue to inspire or bring pleasure. At the moment I am listening to some tracks from The Mission, which is not only a fabulous film (should be on that list - did I put it on there?) but a beautiful score too. Its the sort of music that I like to listen too when I need to feel uplifted or energised and it does that every time.

I could do with something uplifting at work at the moment. This Friday is when we get told who is, in management speak 'at risk of redundancy' or in plain English, who will no longer have a job. The uncertainty has crippled morale and a lot of people are feeling very uneasy, worried and concerned about their future. It is particularly hard on those with families or those of an age where they are too young to retire but perhaps will find getting another job difficult because of their age. Despite whatever the legislation or the prevailing view is, I think ageism still exists in the workplace.

For me, I am in common with many of my other colleagues, as anxious about the future if I am spared the axe of redundancy as I am of going. And of course there is the knowledge of the difficult days to come. While Friday may end some of the uncertainty in that it will be clear who has a future with the company and who doesn't, it really isn't the end especially as those being made redundant will most likely have to work their notice periods.

If nothing else this has all focused my mind on what I want and I can honestly say that I am getting zero job satisfaction from what I am doing now. The trouble is I am firmly ensconced in my comfort zone at the moment, which may seem at odds with my previous comment, however the point is no matter how demoralising things are now, I am at the place where I've always worked; the culture, the surroundings and the people are familiar. It creates a false sense of well-being and comfort. I need to break away and I know that I must follow it through this time. There can be no half-hearted thoughts of waiting another six months to see if things improve. I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

I really have no clue as to what I want to do and perhaps that has always been my problem. I don't harbour ambitions to get anywhere significant and perhaps this lack of drive and motivation to achieve a dream is why I've just muddled along in my career and accepted so much crap over the years. If nothing else I need to get away for my own self-esteem. To prove to myself that I am worthy of something better, a bigger challenge and fresh opportunities. I need to get away from the nagging doubt that I always have that I am just not good enough at anything I do. I know I am capable of more and I need to prove it to myself, if nobody else.

I've decided that this Saturday I am going to have a day out to myself, something that I haven't done for a while. Whatever the news is on Friday I know I am going to be upset. There are no two ways about it. Getting out for the day will take my mind away from all that. I am looking at taking the train to Stratford Upon Avon for Great Malvern/Hereford. I fancy a long journey and going somewhere that I haven't been before. Now all that is needed is to keep that in focus and get through the next few days without too much worrying and stress.

New look

I've decided to refresh the look of my blog and the result is what you are seeing now. A different template and a good one I think, with not too much clutter and nice delineation between the different parts of the page. I've also added some new lists of some of my favourite things and added a new blog link.

Let me know what you think of the changes.

Recent Films

The last three Saturday evenings have been rare opportunities when I have been at home to catch up on DVD's that I've bought. Hence, I've finished season five of the West Wing, started Firefly and caught three films - Mean Creek, The Remains of the Day and Casino Royale (2006).

Mean Creek
Normally if I see a DVD cover which is emblazoned with praise for a film it will immediately put me off. After all if a film is that good why does it need to sell itself so heavily? Mean Creek though was a bargain at £3 and what I'd remembered from the trailer around the time of its release, it looked as it if might be quite good. I wasn't disappointed.

This is a clever film, with an excellent young cast and a powerful message. Rory Culkin is ostensibly the lead, Sam, who is being bullied by the at first very unlikeable but tragically misunderstood George (Josh Peck). Sam's brother Rocky (Trevor Morgan) decides that enough is enough and together with the troubled Marty, a strikingly good Scott Mechlowicz, they decide to teach George a lesson. So, the three boys along with Sam's girlfriend Millie (Carly Schroeder) and Clyde (Ryan Kelley) convince George to come with them on a boat trip to celebrate Sam's birthday. Once out on the boat they have planned a cruel and humiliating revenge on George however the plans rapidly spin out of control with terrible consequences. The boys then have to deal with the consequences of their actions and this is where the film takes an ugly and tragic turn. Its a downbeat ending, one where there is no easy answers or immediate moral redemption. All these young actors are exceptional and the story is well written and provides much food for thought.


The Remains of the Day
Another film with a downbeat ending and one that left me sobbing into my tissues by the end, the hopeless sentimentalist that I am. Anthony Hopkins plays Stevens, a butler in a gorgeous looking mansion, servant to Lord Darlington (James Fox) who falls inexorably in love with Emma Thompson's housekeeper (Miss Kenton). But this being a very British film with stiff upper lips all round, not least from Hopkins, it is all about repressed and unrequited love. Not a lot happens but it is a sumptuous study of power and the aristocracy with some political intrigue thrown in for good measure. At its heart though is the restrained relationship between Hopkins and Thompson, which is told in flashback and is probably the most tragic love affair since Brief Encounter. The final farewell is heartbreaking and what adds extraordinary potency and pathos to this moment, is the repressed emotions, the throwing away of happiness to maintain a very English commitment to doing what is 'right and proper.'


Casino Royale (2006)
I could not have a chosen a film more opposite in emotional terms to The Remains of the Day. This is a film that left me feeling as emotionally detached as Daniel Craig's Bond, which makes the frankly bizarre after-thought falling in love with Vesper Lynde at the end of the film implausible. But then I thought the whole film was implausible unless considered only as a slice of escapist fantasy. Alternatively, was it just one long commercial? At times I felt so as yet again another close up shot of that Sony Ericsson mobile or Virgin (was that a strange cameo from Richard Branson I saw?), Google, Sony (TV's and DVD's this time), Ford, Airbus etc. It was a like a gorgeously shot advert with bits of excitement and action in between. The dialogue was not as clever as it thought it was and while I smiled a couple of times, more often than not it was at the crassness of it all rather than irony. And what was it all about? The plot was convoluted and didn't seem to join up in the middle and there was some heavy handed exposition from Judi Dench's M along the way, which tried to make sense of it all. Probably I was expecting too much and I guess I should have disengaged brain before watching. One thing I did notice was some of the Italian locations - parts were filmed around Lake Como and looked remarkably similar to the place where Anakin & Padme stumbled into love on Naboo in Attack of the Clones!

Weather report

Another wet Bank Holiday weekend then...although I would take issue with the young weatherman earlier who said that temperatures were exceptionally cold. Yes, it is somewhat below the average but exceptionally so? Everyone seems to obsess so much about the weather these days to the point where even the slightest change in the temperature, hours of sunshine or amount of rain (or more often the lack of it) seems to create a crisis mentality, suddenly it's bitterly cold, unbelievably hot or so unusual. The only explanation that there possibly can be is that its 'global warming' an umbrella term that seemingly explains away any change in the weather, not simply the fact that the weather has always been wildly unpredictable and chances are, however strange or unusual it may seem to us, it has probably been like this before! I don't get too concerned about it myself. I accept that living in Britain the weather will be unpredictable, every now and again it genuinely surprises me but most of the time, lets face it, the weather is mediocre. Maybe that's why we get so excited when the mercury creeps up a few degrees or there's a few days or rain and the wind picks up a bit on a Bank Holiday?

As for how the weather is in my life at the moment, well looking outside it is looking grey and overcast. An improvement on this morning when it was raining, cold and windy, just like most Bank Holidays. More personally, I guess I would describe my life as being sunny interludes with frequent showers and occasional heavy thundery storms. Not that I get angry much or at least not so that anyone would notice. The sun comes and ago in life, both in the sky and personally. The moment is a fairly happy time, I feel content, a faint feeling of smug satisfaction with life in general. No doubt now I've said that, something will happen tomorrow to unsettle that feeling. Yep, I am an eternally hopeful pessimist. In other words, I always hope for the best but expect the worst and then I can tell myself 'I told you so' when it goes all horribly wrong.

My moods are often as changeable as the weather although less severe in their occurrence. I don't flip from being happy one moment to ranting the next, although I can. Normally it takes days to move from being one feeling to the other and then back again. I guess not many people who know me would say that I strike them as being a particularly moody or emotional person but I think I am. Often it is the silliest things that will set me off. I think most people are like that, it is the minor irritations, the little mistakes or mishaps that seem to matter so much. I have a tendency to dwell to much on things and to worry to an excess. Neither is particularly healthy or helpful and I am trying hard to think differently and not worry about the things that I cannot change. Certainly it is a piece of advice that I am free in giving to others. What's the point in worrying about something if you can't control or change it? Put it to the back of your mind and get on with life. Easier said than done, of course. A lot of the time my anxieties are made worse by the fact that I don't have someone at home who I can simply talk to. It is cliche - 'its good to talk' - although how true it is. Even simply to have someone to listen is enough.

As for being emotional, often as with my anxieties, it is the smallest and often stupidest of things that sets me off. Don't get the wrong idea, I am not the sort of person that falls to pieces all the time. I do feel things keenly, too much so sometimes. I find it difficult to talk about if not impossible. See now what I've done? I've started depressing myself by taking off on this tack, damn it!

Back to the hear and now, I am happy you know. Mostly, quite often even and sometimes I just can't wait to start a new day. This year has been a good one for me thus far, even if the sun hasn't shone in the sky everyday it has been mostly sunny inside for me. So there's my weather report before I start ruminating on how dark and sullen it looks outside again...