Thanks for the kind comments about the new look to the blog although I am having second thoughts about listing my favourite films, soundtracks and books on the main page. The problem is, they are lists that are neither complete nor fixed in stone. Only earlier this evening I was cursing the fact that I didn't mention Magnolia amongst my favourite films - it should be on there! I'll need to add it. I've tried though in picking my favourites to choose books, films and soundtracks, which have meant something both at the time I read, saw or heard them and which still make me think back to that first encounter. Maybe they elicited a particular emotion or feeling, connected with me and continue to do so, or in the case of soundtracks generally inspired and continue to inspire or bring pleasure. At the moment I am listening to some tracks from The Mission, which is not only a fabulous film (should be on that list - did I put it on there?) but a beautiful score too. Its the sort of music that I like to listen too when I need to feel uplifted or energised and it does that every time.
I could do with something uplifting at work at the moment. This Friday is when we get told who is, in management speak 'at risk of redundancy' or in plain English, who will no longer have a job. The uncertainty has crippled morale and a lot of people are feeling very uneasy, worried and concerned about their future. It is particularly hard on those with families or those of an age where they are too young to retire but perhaps will find getting another job difficult because of their age. Despite whatever the legislation or the prevailing view is, I think ageism still exists in the workplace.
For me, I am in common with many of my other colleagues, as anxious about the future if I am spared the axe of redundancy as I am of going. And of course there is the knowledge of the difficult days to come. While Friday may end some of the uncertainty in that it will be clear who has a future with the company and who doesn't, it really isn't the end especially as those being made redundant will most likely have to work their notice periods.
If nothing else this has all focused my mind on what I want and I can honestly say that I am getting zero job satisfaction from what I am doing now. The trouble is I am firmly ensconced in my comfort zone at the moment, which may seem at odds with my previous comment, however the point is no matter how demoralising things are now, I am at the place where I've always worked; the culture, the surroundings and the people are familiar. It creates a false sense of well-being and comfort. I need to break away and I know that I must follow it through this time. There can be no half-hearted thoughts of waiting another six months to see if things improve. I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
I really have no clue as to what I want to do and perhaps that has always been my problem. I don't harbour ambitions to get anywhere significant and perhaps this lack of drive and motivation to achieve a dream is why I've just muddled along in my career and accepted so much crap over the years. If nothing else I need to get away for my own self-esteem. To prove to myself that I am worthy of something better, a bigger challenge and fresh opportunities. I need to get away from the nagging doubt that I always have that I am just not good enough at anything I do. I know I am capable of more and I need to prove it to myself, if nobody else.
I've decided that this Saturday I am going to have a day out to myself, something that I haven't done for a while. Whatever the news is on Friday I know I am going to be upset. There are no two ways about it. Getting out for the day will take my mind away from all that. I am looking at taking the train to Stratford Upon Avon for Great Malvern/Hereford. I fancy a long journey and going somewhere that I haven't been before. Now all that is needed is to keep that in focus and get through the next few days without too much worrying and stress.