Getting into a new routine

I am into the new routine of working in London now; this will be my third week. I am enjoying it mostly so far. The job isn't at all like what I expected and I've realised that it isn't what I want to do long term. I intend to stick it out for six months at least, as the pay is good and on the whole the people I am working with are fine to get along with. I have no regrets about leaving my last job and see this current one as an opportunity to move onto other things, as and when they come up. I certainly don't dread going to work anymore, something which had become the case in the last few months at Abbey.

The journey to and from work I actually quite enjoy. The walk to the station in the morning is normally at a brisk pace as I always manage to leave home slightly later than I intended. So far though I've managed to make it to the station in time to catch my train each morning, although I am lucky in that there are at least 3 trains I can catch to get me into London to be at work before 9, although the last is cutting it fine! For some I am sure perfectly sensible operational reason, my regular train, the 7.27, is now starting its journey from Coventry rather than Northampton, as it had done up until last week. From October, it reverts back to starting from Northampton but runs 2 minutes earlier - a compensation to cover the leaf-fall period. The change to running from Coventry has caused it to be late twice last week, although as there is another train I can catch, it hasn't been a problem. Fingers crossed, the train back from Euston every night has been on-time 100% although it is becoming something of a march to sprint for me to make it from the office in Tottenham Court Road to Euston to catch the train. Last week I ventured with catching variously the bus or tube, which I found stressful to the point that I will only use that as a last resort or if the weather is particularly bad.

Being in London is both a delight and in some ways a curse. I thought to myself I'd be really good on the diet front as where I work has no vending machines, so no naughty treats such as chocolate and crisps to be had. How wrong I am and how weak my will power! Tottenham Court Road offers a panoply of places to eat or buy sumptuous food. In the first week I got into some really bad habits, nipping across to Subway or Burger King or similar for lunch. Not good at all. So I am trying to get myself out of those habits and taking my lunch with me to work everyday. Trouble is someone is always bringing cakes, sweets or biscuits into the office and although I try, I really do (!) its hard to resist.

The nice thing about the location though is how close at hand some great shops are - Borders, Virgin Megastore, Forbidden Planet, to name but three of my favourites. The British Museum is literally around the corner and Leicester Square is within walking distance, while there is a cinema just across the road.

The last couple of weeks I've done stuff on a couple of nights during the week after work - meeting with a friend from Abbey, going to the cinema or just taking myself off down Oxford Street for a wander and down the South Bank to enjoy the pleasures of a warm evening.

I really do enjoy London as a place although not always its people, who seem for the most part to be in a dreadful hurry and with little concern for anyone else. I sometimes feel like I am a door or invisible, the way people push into or past me on the street. I guess that I am probably just as bad when I am marching towards Euston and the impending departure of my train home!


I've just started watching Heroes and I am hooked! BBC 2 did a catch up weekend and I've done about five episodes so far. What I like about Heroes is that it is fresh and has a clever concept of these relatively ordinary people, whose lives are changed as they discover they have latent special abilities. I like the way it is filmed, very stylish and builds tension beautifully. I have absolutely no idea how it will end and the mystery of Sylar is an intriguing one which I am desperate to find out more about.

Another thing that I am getting hooked on at the moment is Microsoft Train Simulator. I bought this a few weeks ago as one of those bargain releases of older computer games. Its fab and great fun to play. I've known about it for a long time but it was very expensive when it first came out plus now there are loads of add-ons that you can buy. I've got my eye on two - one which includes the Southern routes from London Victoria to Brighton and the West Coastway from Brighton to Portsmouth plus the Arun Valley line, all of which I am very familiar with or a new one which features the West Coast Main Line from Euston to Birmingham.

The original simulation/game or whatever you call it is limited so adding these add-on's will add a great deal in terms of variety of track and rolling stock. And it will be great to have a go at 'driving a train' over routes that I have used regularly!

Anyhows that's all from me for now.

Putting the past behind me

Friday was my last day at Abbey, the company I have worked for since I left college in 1994. It was one of the worst days of my life. I am finding it difficult to put into context or understand how I feel. The most pressing feeling is one of emptiness; of a wasted thirteen years. It all seems to have been for nothing and the final few hours felt so flat and unimportant. There was no real closure to it all, just a hurried and almost unnoticed departure and that's it. Over. Finished. Nothing to acknowledge or remember how much this part of my life has meant for me. Okay its only work, just a job etc. Yep, maybe that is all it has been. Nothing more important and perhaps the final realisation of that is what is so devastating. That I've invested nothing but feel that I've lost immensely.

Its a sad truth that I had no friends at work. Not what I would call friends, just colleagues and casual acquaintances. That I have to admit is as much my fault as anyone elses. I am not an easy person to get along with and I maintain a careful distance between myself and other people. I am never fully relaxed in the company of others. I always hold something back and I think I am not one of these people that can naturally slip into familiar conversations with people or that can form lasting relationships on any kind of intimate level. I am very much an island and most of the time that suits me just fine. Sometimes though it doesn't work. Every now and again I crave to break down those barriers and be open and just be with other people. To feel free, I guess.

My way of coping, if it is that at all, is to cut adrift the past. Put it away in a box and forget about it, as if it never happened. That is what I am doing now. I am gradually distancing myself from my last job, consigning those thirteen years to history and trying to forget about them. I have no intentions of keeping in touch with anyone because truth is, what is the point? We shared nothing in common but the fact that we worked together. There is no deeper connection that. To sustain any sort of contact would be pointless and I feel as I have often done before, that there is a time to move on. I never look back and I never wish to go back. What is done is done. The past I cannot change.

Nobody really wants to keep in touch with me anyway. People say things like 'you must keep in touch' as a glib, throw-away line. They say it without meaning anything. It is said with no real intention that we must keep in touch; it just seems a social courtesy like bidding someone hello or goodbye. Surely, if anyone was serious about keeping in touch they would not have let me leave without exchanging contact details and why after thirteen years, when I have kept in touch with nobody that I have worked with, would they suddenly want to start now?

I didn't have a leaving do, I couldn't face it. I couldn't confront the insincerity of it all, the ritual of doing something just because 'you have too' without it meaning anything. Maybe I take it all too seriously in that I need meaning in everything. That there has to be something deeper to it, rather than just a few drinks after work. I just can't stand superficiality.

No, I mustn't dwell on it. Time to move on. The past is done.

Maybe I can be different in my new job. Maybe I can build up some contacts and some meaningful relationships.

The past is behind me now. Whether I've learnt anything or not I don't know. I just hope I can have a better future.

A wonderful summer of music

Over the last month or so I've been regularly attending the BBC Proms at the Royal Albert Hall and yet again what a wonderful season it has been so far. My first time at the Proms was last year. After many previous years of watching the Last Night on TV and latterly watching some of the other Proms, I decided I really ought to go. I love classical music and the Proms has deepened and broadened my appreciation of the different styles and composers. This year I've tried to deliberately choose concerts which contain pieces which are both familiar to me and others that are new.

Last night's Prom featured three works. It opened with a piece I had not heard before, Grieg's awesome Funeral March for Rikard Nordraak. Grieg wrote the piece as an immediate reaction to the death of his friend and contemporary Rikard Nordraak who died from consumption at the tragically young age of 24. Apparently Grieg arranged the piece in various forms for a military band and brass and percussion but last night was the full orchestral version.

The second work last night was Grieg's equally impressive Piano Concerto written when he was just 25. The piece was accredited with putting Norway on the musical map and was famously sent up by Eric Morecombe who played 'all the right notes but not necessarily in all the right order' in a Morecombe & Wise Christmas Show.

The second half of the concert was Walton's First Symphony. I am becoming a fan of Walton's music although he seems to be one of those composers who is often forgotten. Trying to find recordings of his work to buy seems to be about as impossible as finding that proverbial needle in a haystack. Walton, who died in 1983, I think was one of the finest British composers of the twentieth century and I particularly like his coronation anthem, Crown Imperial and the Spitfire Prelude & Fugue from The Battle of Britain. The First Symphony is an interesting piece, the programme notes describe it as being 'convulsed with emotion' and it was written during a turbulent time in Walton's love life. A passionate relationship with Baroness Imma Doernberg had come to an end influencing much of the first part of the work, whilst a new love affair gave Walton the inspiration to complete the final movement. The piece was rather grandly described by Sir Henry Wood, founder-conductor of the Proms as the 'world coming to an end, its dramatic power was superb...' Indeed it does sweep the listener along and I have never seen such furious and sustained playing of the timpani!

One of the things I love about the Proms, apart from hearing great music being performed by the world's finest orchestras and soloists, is the fact that it is a great leveller. Everyone comes to the Proms, young or old, rich or poor, from all walks of life and background. I am sure there are many there who are experiencing classical music live for the first time while others are passionate about their music and know the pieces intimately. But I love the fact that the Proms is for everyone, not just classical music aficionados. You don't have to understand the technical side of the music or really anything about the structure and form of music to enjoy it - I certainly don't! It's nothing more than a blissful couple of hours being entertained, taken on journey that is often in the experience of the Proms I've been too, emotionally intense both uplifting and sombre, moving and inspiring. Its wonderful and long may the Proms continue!

Disengage brain before reading or watching the 'news'

What has happened to the news? Its no longer about the important or serious events of the day but about the stupidity of the great unwashed and even when it borders into something approaching a serious news story it strays into mawkishness and hype. Take today for example. There was the tragic story of a man killed in Warrington at the weekend after confronting youths causing a disturbance outside his house. Instead of reporting the facts of the tragic incident, we are told in somber tones that the man - 'a father of three' - was trying to 'reclaim his street.' Is it necessary to have such obviously emotive language? What relevance or depth does it add to the story? None at all in my mind and it feeds into this worrying emotional incontinence that seems to have developed since the death of Princess Diana ten years ago.

Then, there was the story of a young man in his twenties 'tombstoning' off Durdle Door in Dorset - in other words throwing himself from the top of this rock into the sea. Any fool can see that is an incredibly stupid and dangerous thing to do although it seems that he was encouraged by his friends, so probably wasn't his fault then! Another example of gross stupidity and abdication of personal responsibility is a 'news' item on the BBC News site about a girl who overdosed on caffeine after drinking seven double espressos. Surely anyone of even moderate intelligence can work out that to consume that much coffee is not going to do you much good. And the silly girl's defence - she did not realise it was doubles! Ah well, that's alright then, so it wasn't her fault at all.

In the Daily Telegraph there was a story about how one in three office workers are suffering from 'e-mail stress,' apparently a deluge of e-mails. Have you noticed how everything these days has a label? Even perfectly normal everyday activities suddenly become known by these 'buzz-words' and there is a condition or affliction for every pressure in modern life. Another story in the same paper tells of another study which has found that attractive people have more chance of promotion at work than unattractive colleagues. Wow!

It worries me that our news is full of these inane stories whilst the important issues and the real matters of the day are buried, such as the pensions crisis or a sobering report on the poor care for those over 65 suffering mental health problems.

But nothing it seems is written about or presented in an objective and factual style. Our news has been reduced to the baseness of a coarse soap opera.

Learning who my friends are

Over the last few weeks I have become acutely aware of who my true friends are, the people that I can depend on, the ones that I can trust, those that respect me. There isn't many sadly. Mainly I've realised this through events at work where a number of people I used to work with have left me feeling very disappointed in them. Today was in many ways the icing on the cake.

One of my former colleagues and a good friend, Steve, left today. He's only been with the company for 3 years but we've worked together for most of that time. We sometimes had our disagreements and arguments but most of all I'll remember his good humour, timely advice and friendship over that time. Normally when someone leaves it is I think a courteous thing to have a collection and buy them a small gift and card. None of that happened and I was told quite curtly by one of my other colleagues when I asked, 'we don't do collections for people who are being made redundant.' True, Steve along with the rest of my former team have been made redundant but he had found a job with another company so was leaving for that reason. I thought that to not get him anything was mean so I bought a leaving gift and card and I was the only one who bothered. I think that's shameful, I really do. It annoys and angers me that people can be so selfish and uncaring. I know he wasn't always the easiest of people to work with but he had a big heart and as a person was someone that I always felt could be trusted and depended upon.

As it happens there is a lot of bitterness in my former team. A number of snide and unkind remarks have been made about me by several people I thought were good colleagues. Some of it has been said to me directly, which while I ignore at the time sticks with me. It hurts.

I am beginning to wonder now why I should waste my time with people like this. Its sad because until recently one of the main reasons I've stuck so long in my current job was because I thought I worked with good people, who I could trust and respect. I've realised perhaps belatedly that I have been deluding myself and that leaves me feeling disappointed and used.

I leave my current job in 3 weeks and will be starting a new career with a different company. I've decided because of all that has happened recently - all the ugliness and nastiness - that I am not going to have a leaving do. Why bother? True, there are some people that I will be sorry to say goodbye too but the realisation is that most of them are just people who if I didn't work with I probably wouldn't care to pass the time of day. The people that I will keep in contact with are those that have been more than people who have just made up the numbers.

The same is true of my wider circle of friends. There are frankly a lot of them who do just make up the numbers, who bring nothing to the party as it were. There seems to be a lot of these in my life and why am I wasting my time and energy on people like this?

I do feel uncertain about the future and my new job. I am not sure what it will be like and whether I will enjoy it. However, I see it as an opportunity of cutting loose the past, moving on and having the opportunity to start afresh building new working relationships and hopefully some enduring friendships.

A wonderful week

Good news came on Wednesday. I have been offered and accepted a new job working in London. I had my second interview on the Tuesday afternoon, which had more the format of an informal chat rather than a structured interview. I like the office where I will be working and the people there seem nice. It is a good location too, being in Tottenham Court Road so walking distance from the shops of Oxford Street and the delights of the West End. Its a walkable distance from Euston too, so won't have to fuss around with tubes or buses although no doubt there will be occasions when it will be necessary. I am just waiting at the moment for my formal offer of employment before I hand in my notice.

I feel many different things about changing jobs. Part of me is excited to have this new opportunity and from what I've learned from the two interviews, it could well be a spring-board to other things. The company I will be working for is a fast-growing and young firm and there seems to be many opportunities to develop and move on. This is vastly different from where I am now and I feel that until this job came along my career had stalled. Tempered with this looking forward to a new job is fear and anxiety. Until you work somewhere you have no real idea of what it will be like, how good or bad a company it really is or even what my new colleagues will be like. I intend to take it a step at a time. Find my feet and get settled before making any big decisions such as possibly moving closer to London. That's a long term aim, possibly moving to somewhere like Watford or the other side of London, say Reading or maybe even the Essex side. Certainly somewhere, which is a closer commutable distance than now. The travelling though doesn't bother me too much. I like travelling by train and I fully intend to use the opportunity to relax and not see it as an extended part of the working day.

I was in London again on Wednesday evening for the BBC Proms at the Royal Albert Hall. It was a rather fraught trip due to the train being delayed and I only just made it before the concert started at 7pm. A wonderful evening of music though and a sort of unplanned treat for the good news I'd had earlier in the day. The first half of the concert was music by Beethoven - Overture 'Leonore' No 3 and Barber - Violin Concerto. The second half featured Copland's Symphony No 3. What was particularly enjoyable was the opportunity to see one of my favourite orchestras - the Bournemouth Symphony Orchestra and their conductor, the American-born Marin Alsop. I have Alsop's recordings with the Royal Scottish National Orchestra of the complete orchestral works of Samuel Barber.

Both Barber and Copland are American composers of the twentieth century who were responsible for defining the sound of American classical music. Barber is of course most famous for his Adagio for Strings although personally I am very much a fan of some of his choral music and First Essay for Orchestra. One of Copland's most famous and recognisable works, Fanfare for the Common Man, is incorporated into the Third Symphony. This was my first time hearing this piece and it is an exhilarating work with a wonderful final movement where the Fanfare for the Common Man dominates.

I was due to go to the Proms again on Friday night but being too tired and having to get up early for work yesterday thwarted that idea. However, I am going to the Proms a few more times over the summer, looking forward in particular to hearing three of Mahler's symphonies and Walton's First Symphony.

Yesterday I picked up my three newly framed Star Wars prints. I've hung two of them this morning and they look wonderful, I am very pleased. The third, a dramatic and brilliant print by Dave Dorman, will have to wait a few days as I need to get something sturdy to hang it with as it is a big piece and fairly heavy.

I finally bought The Making of Star Wars, a lavish large hardback book, which charts the making of A New Hope. I've flicked through Jamie's copy before and have been promising myself that I would buy it; just waiting for the price to come down a bit. Its certainly worth the money although like any book this size, its one that really needs to have a bit of time spent studying it and sitting down at a table to be able to read properly.

This coming week is probably going to be a little mundane in comparison to the one just gone although have our annual Park Meet with the Groovy Gang to look forward to this coming Saturday.

A busy week ahead

I am listening to Alan Titchmarsh on Radio 2 as I type this, a show that I've missed probably each of the last 5 weeks or thereabouts as I seem to have been away and doing stuff every weekend since the middle of June. I like listening to Alan Titchmarsh on a Sunday evening as it is a gentle and relaxed way to wind down at the end of the weekend and he normally plays a great selection of music, really just about anything.

This coming week is a big week for me. I had two interviews last week in London and I have a second interview for one of them on Tuesday; the other job I should find out about tomorrow. I have everything crossed that I get offered either or both jobs. I'll be devastated if I don't. Both offer a step up in my career, new and exciting opportunities and a chance to broaden my horizons and experience. I also heard back last week from a job that I'd applied for so long ago that I'd forgotten about it. That was working as Timing Assistant with Network Rail; unfortunately I can't make the interview date but I've asked if they can arrange it for Tuesday as I will be in London anyway for the other job. I don't hold out much hope though although it has long been a dream of mine to work for the railway... we'll see...

Apart from the job interview on Tuesday, I am going down to London on Wednesday and Friday evenings for the BBC Proms. The two Proms I am seeing this coming week I am particularly looking forward too. Wednesday night's concert features American music - Barber and Copland, while Friday's concert features Britten and Nielson, composers whose work I am getting to know and enjoying. I haven't actually seen or heard any of the Proms concerts yet this year as either I've been busy doing other stuff or forgetting when they're on.

Hopefully, next weekend I should be picking up my framed Star Wars prints that I bought at Celebration Europe. I am looking forward to getting them up on my wall!

I bought Kingdom of Heaven last week in the sale in HMV. I've been toying with buying the film for a long time and although it is directed by Ridley Scott what has put me off has been the thought of Orlando Bloom in the lead. Not exactly the most dynamic of actors and I have my doubts that he can carry a film. However Kingdom of Heaven was a bargain at £7 for the Collectors Edition and I'll give it a fair viewing.

An excellent film that I watched this weekend was The Sea Inside with a magnificent and powerful performance by Javier Bardem who not so much plays as is Ramon Sampedro, a quadriplegic who fights a near 30-year battle to end his life with dignity. It is clear where the director's sympathies lie on the euthanasia debate but this is a film that doesn't shy away from the complex issues nor the tragic and devastating effect that Sampedro's decision has on those around him. While not overly sentimental, this is a film that pricks the eyes with tears at every turn and there are moments when it becomes almost unbearably sad. Despite its dark and difficult subject matter, The Sea Inside is a story of hope and inspiration and as much about life as it is about death.

Channel 4 are currently showing a short-season of programmes to mark the fortieth anniversary of the decriminalisation of homosexuality. Last night's A Very British Sex Scandal was a restrained but moving account of the trial of Lord Montague and his friend, Daily Mail reporter, Peter Wildblood for homosexual offences. This landmark 1950s case led to a change in public attitudes towards homosexuality and its eventual decriminalisation. Particularly poignant was hearing from gay men who lived through the witch-hunts of the 1950s. The programme underlines how some of our attitudes towards homosexuality have changed - after all we no longer see it as a disease or a moral malaise as it was characterised in the 1950s - but I do wonder how accepting as a society we are towards gay men. Indeed the programmes in this series on Channel 4 are mainly being shown very late at night, perhaps reflecting our uneasiness with homosexuality in the mainstream and homophobia it seems is on a sharp upward trend. Maybe it is not so much that our attitudes have changed, its that we feel it no longer acceptable to broadcast our ill-ease with homosexuality publicly?

Starting this Wednesday is Heroes, which I am going to miss as I'll be at the Proms so must remember to set the DVD to record this! I am much looking forward to watching the series all the way through having caught confusing bits and pieces of it while it was being shown on the Sci-Fi Channel.

Celebration Europe

Wow, what a weekend! Three days of wall to wall Star Wars! Could this have been the closest I've been to paradise?? Can you tell that I am just a little excited about Celebration Europe at the weekend? I loved it!!!

I was glad that I did all 3 days of the show as it was necessary to really enjoy the experience and savour the atmosphere. Plus it meant that I got to see most, albeit not all, of the many things I wanted to do. I came away with some very happy memories and sore feet! The best bits for me were undoubtedly being with the 'Groovy Gang' over the weekend, that wonderful posse of friends that make it all so worthwhile plus having my photo taken with Robert Watts, who worked as associate producer and latterly producer on all three original Star Wars films and finally, buying some lovely pieces of artwork. The latter are currently away, being framed and will be taking pride of place on the walls in my flat as a permanent reminder of an amazing weekend.

Yesterday, a colleague asked me why I like Star Wars so much. I find that such a difficult question to answer but then again what is there not to like about Star Wars? I think I summed it up by saying that Star Wars is like a modern myth, a fairytale for the current generation and as for why it got me hooked to start with, well simply because it is so unlike anything else before or since. Many have tried to copy or recapture the magic of Star Wars but no one has quite succeeded. Star Wars is unique in both its cultural appeal and the enormity of its influence across cultures, languages and ethnicities. Star Wars has something for everyone and I guess at its heart a universal story that we all understand of good conquering evil.

Star Wars also seems to bring out the best in people and unifies a diverse and disparate community of fans. We are all as one in our passion and admiration of the films and I am constantly surprised and impressed by how these films have inspired and encouraged people in their own creative endeavours. Star Wars very much seems to bring out the best of the talent whether it be making films, model-making, art or costuming.

Celebration Europe then was a celebration of all these things, of all the wonder, excitement, thrills and fun of Star Wars. I felt incredibly proud to be there, to be one of the many thousands of fans and sharing a wonderful and unmissable experience together. Fantastic!

Just a quickie

Here I am 10.30 on the Thursday night before a weekend at Celebration Europe and I feel no excitement or anticipation for what will be the biggest Star Wars event ever held in the UK. All I can summon is a mix of mild fear and apprehension. Not sure how good its going to be, although recent announcements of guests and events sound good and a little uncertain whether the event is going to be so mobbed with crowds that I will spend the whole day elbow to elbow with sweaty geeks... ah well, I am sure I'll be excited come the morning and moreover when I get off the DLR at Custom House...

Just about to put some new music on to my MP3 player for the weekend and an eclectic choice I have chosen: Andy Williams, Take That, Billy Ocean, Elgar and Khachaturian. Like them all; the first three being bargain CD's I've bought this week. I suppose its a guilty secret of mine that I've always liked Take That even though I would have denied it at the height of their popularity back in the mid-1990s. I think I am at an age now where I don't much care what people think of my choice of music or choice of anything else. I like what I like and I know what I like thanks very much!

The latter two CDs are of course classical and from the Elgar one I am going to take the Enigma Variations - a live recording with the LSO. The Khachaturian one is also the LSO and features one of my favourite pieces of classical music - Adagio of Spartacus & Phrygia from the ballet Spartacus. It's probably better known as the theme for the Onedin Line but this recording is a full version and it is wonderful, the music is really uplifting and exhilarating.

I heard back about the job that I applied for in Watford. As expected I didn't get the job although I did receive positive feedback and it seemed to come down to the fact that another person they interviewed had more relevant experience than I. Not too bothered as the travelling would have been hellish and very long days. Just got to focus my efforts on the two interviews I have next Wednesday. Fingers crossed for a positive outcome.

Updates on the weekend at Celebration Europe to follow as and when...

A bit like a rollercoaster

I've never been on a roller coaster and I have no desire to either but the last week or so probably feels much the same. It has been an up and down time with some bumpy bits although things are looking up again, which is good.

I had a second interview in Watford last Tuesday, which I think went well. I felt confident, comfortable and I think I came across as articulate and knowledgeable. However, I didn't feel so sure that it was the place I would want to work and the steer I had from the interviewer was that perhaps I should be looking for something better. Not that they were obviously trying to put me off but I got that vibe. Added to that there was a thunderstorm just as I left the office (perhaps an omen?) although I was saved from a thorough drenching by the timely arrival of the bus. At least I have some idea what the journey home would be like from Watford - two buses one either end and the train sandwiched between. If the connections work well, perhaps 1 1/2 hours tops, at worst about 2 hours. Too long a day really coupled with the fact that my working week would increase from 35 to 40 hours. If I lived a bit closer I think it would be reasonable but commuting from Milton Keynes (even if I had a car) would become a drag after a while.

I felt a little deflated afterwards but then thinking about it, the interview was good experience. Its the first I've had for a while and I felt comfortable and confident, which did surprise me as experience of previous interviews is that they are nerve shredding experiences. I still haven't heard the outcome although I 'know' that they will not be offering me the job.

Fortunately I have two other jobs on the go at the moment with another interview next Wednesday and one possibly this week or next. These two jobs are in London - the one next week is Tottenham Court Road, which is not far from where I was working in London last year. The salaries on offer are much better than what I am receiving now, which they need to be to compensate for the travelling expenses. They would be easier to get too than the Watford job - Milton Keynes to London is an okay commute. I am under no illusions that it would be longer days. That doesn't bother me too much if the pay is good and the job is rewarding and stimulating. Will see how they go.

Last Friday was a bad day, almost like Friday 13th had come a week earlier. The bad news was that the whole of the team that I used to work with up until last November are being made redundant. It came as a shock even though I knew that a review was on the cards. It is not nice to know that all my former colleagues are going, especially as they were the ones who I first worked with when I moved to Milton Keynes and made me feel so welcome and happy during those early months in my new job. I also feel some guilt for being the one who is not being made redundant. If I hadn't changed jobs last November, I would be amongst those going now.

I had the unenviable task on Friday afternoon of covering their 'phones as naturally they were all allowed to go home. Friday's are always busy because of course it is a popular day for mortgage completions and on top of all my upset at seeing my colleagues going I had some very difficult cases to look at and resolve quickly to ensure that customers could move home plus answer all the queries that couldn't be dealt with by anyone else. I felt absolutely shattered by the time I left the office on Friday, with a long train journey ahead of me on my way back to Pompey for the weekend. In some ways the journey was good because it gave me an opportunity to collect my thoughts, switch off from work and relax.

The weekend was fantastic although I won't go into huge detail here as it will turn off anyone who is not interested in railways and particularly steam engines. Briefly, yesterday was the 40th anniversary of the end of steam on what was then the BR Southern Region. To commemorate this historic event, various rail tours were run over the weekend along with galas at heritage railways. On Saturday I went to the Mid Hants Railway and had a wonderful day experiencing their gala, travelling behind as many steam locos as I could between Alton and Alresford. It was the closest I am ever likely to come to those poignant last days of steam in 1967. Later in the day I rushed back to Fareham to photograph 34067 Tangmere as she thundered through with the 'Southern Phoenix' rail tour en route back to London Waterloo. That was quite a breathtaking experience, I was grinning from ear to ear! On Sunday I headed out to Salisbury to see and photograph two more rail tours - this time 850 Lord Nelson, which was heading to Exeter and just a few minutes later 35028 Clan Line with 'The Waterloo Sunset' heading for Poole. It was a marvellous experience and exhilarating to see these powerful and magnificent locos, where they should be, out on the mainline.

I am looking forward to another fantastic weekend this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday as it is Star Wars Celebration Europe in London. My ticket, after many weeks anxious waiting, has finally arrived and the programme for the weekend looks impressive. I am much looking forward to this.

It's been a busy week...

Last Thursday morning I had a job interview in Watford. Getting there was a bit of a pain and expensive because the interview was at 10am and thus peak fares apply on the train (no Railcard discount). Anyways, although it was a bit of a hassle now I know where the place is and a couple of alternative buses that will get me to and from there, it won't be so bad when I go back for my second interview tomorrow afternoon. I am pleased to have got called back for a second interview as it must mean that I said something half-intelligent at the last one and presumably ticked some right boxes on the form that the lady from HR was furiously filling in. The company looked as if it would be a nice place to work; the people I met were friendly, the offices were smart and clean and from reading the staff magazine it seems like a place where the staff are looked after and well treated.

The only negatives are that the job is in Watford and on an industrial estate, so nowhere exciting to go at lunch, the pay doesn't appear that great and travelling would be about 3 hours a day (door to door). The way I am looking at it at the moment is that this is good interview experience and if and it is probably a big if they make me an offer of the right salary package I will take the job and look to move a bit closer say in 6 months ,after I've settled in.

My current work is being a bit awkward about it all. I found out about my second interview last Friday and asked my manager if I could leave at 3pm tomorrow (interview is at 4.30pm) and make the two hours up tomorrow and Wednesday. Apparently what appears such a reasonable request is wholly unreasonable simply because I won't tell my manager why I need to leave early. Somehow I don't think telling her that I am going for an interview would have been a big vote winner, lol! So, I've had to take a half-day's leave, which is completely stupid as it means that I will now be out of the office for a whole afternoon instead of just a couple of hours, which I would have made up anyway. Arrghh!

I've had a lot of interest in my CV on Monster as well, which is pleasing. I 'phoned one agency back last Thursday and they are going to contact me when they get some vacancies around the salary I am currently on. They'll be jobs in or around Milton Keynes. I've had two further messages today from agencies, which I'll deal with tomorrow. In addition I also applied for another job where I currently work, although working in a different area and with someone who I've had lots of dealings with over the years and respect and like. If that comes through it would be nice and a bit of a bonus on the salary front as well.

I feel positive about things at the moment and know that I can get myself a new job and a new challenge, just choosing the right one will be the difficult part.

Last Wednesday was a retirement lunch for my former manager. I hadn't been invited, which I admit I wasn't pleased about although on reflection it seems that it was an oversight rather a deliberate decision not to invite me. As it happens I went anyway as no one else in my former team would go. The reasons why were petty and stupid and I thought a real slap in the face to the manager. After all none of them had the courtesy or the courage to say to her face the real reasons why they weren't coming and I thought it was a horrible and cruel gesture. Nevertheless, the lunch was nice and a 2-hour break away from the office!

The weekend I was in Feltham for my friend Tim's 30th birthday. The BBQ was somewhat ruined by the wet weather although it still went ahead and we all had a good time. The weather has ruined this evening as well as I was supposed to be watching the Twenty-Twenty cricket at Campbell Park but the match was abandoned due to the pitch presumably being unplayable.

This weekend I am heading off to Pompey to see my parents, so another weekend away, the third in a row, lol!

Fingers crossed for tomorrow at the moment...

Funbloodytastic!

That's my word to describe today. I don't know where it went wrong. Probably from the moment I opened my eyes and decided to drag myself out of bed and off to work. I was happy and relaxed after spending an enjoyable weekend at Derek & Carla's - congrats to Carla on obtaining her British citizenship :-)

So I get to work this morning and everything seems to go wrong. I should be used to all the stupid IT problems we have by now but for some reason every little annoyance got magnified in my mind and I was in a foul mood by lunchtime. Not helped by the fact that I was shunted off to another team today on what was my new team's official launch day.

I am so pissed off with work at moment. Its all crap. I nearly got up today and walked out of the office. I wasn't sure what I would do if I did or where I would go, only that I wouldn't ever come back. I have to take a step back and have a reality check whenever I feel like that. I simply couldn't afford to just walk out and part of me doesn't want to give 'them' the satisfaction of doing so.

The agency which has arranged an interview for me on Thursday keep messing me around. Firstly the interview was last Friday, then postponed to this Thursday afternoon and now in the morning. I wish they would make their freaking minds up!

And the same pattern at work. I don't know what I am doing from day to day, where I will be sitting or who I will be working with. All I know is that whatever it is it will be awful, either tediously boring (my new job) or all the crap that no one else will touch (like today). I just know I've got to get out and I've seen a few jobs on Monster.co.uk that look worth applying for. In fact I spend so much time on that site at the moment I think I should add it to my favourites!

Here's to a better today tomorrow...

Looking ahead

Just over a week ago I had an exam, which concluded the Open University politics course I was studying and I decided some time before, that I would have a break before returning to study. Not that I hadn't enjoyed the course because I had. It was more that as I have found with previous OU courses, trying to combine the studying with work and everything else becomes very difficult and I am not the most disciplined or self-motivated of people. I found parts of it a real struggle, not because it was intellectually above my level but because I needed to find the hook to get me started.

Anyhows, despite saying all that I've already signed myself up for a new course starting next February. At least it offers me something of a break and gives me time to sort out things with work etc. The course I am starting next year is called 'A world of whose making?' and combined with the course Governing Europe I did in 2005, it will complete a Diploma in Government & Politics. The reason I've chosen to combine these courses towards a diploma is because I think that setting myself a medium-term and realistic goal like this provides some impetus to do my best on the course next year and also means that I achieve a qualification before gaining my full degree. The good thing is that I can combine A world of whose making with my other courses taken towards my degree. It leaves my options open as to whether I go for an Open degree i.e. one not in a named subject or a degree in a named subject such as Politics or International Studies or perhaps a broader Social Science degree. It will though be another 3-4 years before I have the full degree although hopefully by the end of next year I will have my diploma.

Other goals I am setting myself are with my weight loss. I need to spend some time writing down what my short, medium and long term goals are and I need to plan in an exercise regime too. I do know the reasons why I want to loose weight and what weight I want to be but I feel unless I write these goals down, they will not seem real and will be easy to avoid. Like with my studies, I am going to set myself short-term goals as well as long-term ones. That way I can see achievements along the way, not just heading towards one ultimate destination, which I am realistic enough to know is going take some time to get too.

I've also set myself the goal of getting a new job before the end of the year. That seems quite a generous deadline but I am determined that I will achieve it before then, hopefully getting myself settled into a new job by early autumn. I did have an interview for tomorrow morning although that has had to be re-arranged due to the interviewer being on holiday although quite why this wasn't apparent when the interview was booked I don't know! I am keeping my options open and will go for any appropriate opportunities that arise.

Why don't I have a car?

People often ask me if I can drive and if I have car. When I explain that yes I can drive but don't have a car mostly they appear incredulous or pity me for having to get around by public transport. Some, I am sure secretly wonder if there is a life without a car. I've been accused of being defensive about these sort of questions and probably that is accurate. I do feel defensive and rightly or wrongly I often feel that people perceive me differently because I am not a member of the car driving majority. That I am somehow a 'poorer' person. It is probably me just being paranoid. To set the record straight these are the reasons (some well rehearsed) why I have never owned a car in my life and never intend to.

Like most things in adult life, my attitude towards owning a car were formed as a child. My parents never owned a car and it was a rare treat, normally once or twice a year when my Dad would hire a car for a few days or maybe a week during the summer. The freedom that it afforded, I must admit, was liberating. We could have days out all over, frequently going down to the New Forest or Eartham Woods (one of my favourite destinations) or just to the beach and for long drives. I thought it was a lot of fun and of course because it was a rare thing to have a car outside our house, it was a novelty too. I guess that I've always seen a car as a novelty, as something of a treat; a luxury rather than a necessity. The rest of the year, car-less we would make our way round by bus. Going on the train anywhere was even more a rarity than hiring a car! The train, my parents would frequently bemoan, was far too expensive. So, even a modest distance like going to Brighton for example, would involve a 3-hour bus ride there and back! Oh the joys of being bounced around on the top deck, spending most of the day getting to and coming back from our destination!

Here is perhaps the second point as to why I have never owned a car. Going on the bus was routine. It was the only way to get anywhere without walking. It was a pain at times, buses are sometimes late, don't turn up or don't take you exactly where you want to go. I've always been prepared to forgive all that though. I've accepted it I guess and despite the negativity that people often address towards buses, on the whole they're largely reliable, fairly inexpensive and convenient way to getting where you want. Not to mention you get a better view from the top deck!

Train trips as I mentioned were a novelty as a child but like most boys I had a fascination with the railways although I don't recall ever harbouring any real ambitions to be an engine driver. I was though a member of the Rail Riders club and as part of the club membership I got this giant wall chart, which stretched around two walls of my bedroom. The idea was to collect stickers for various destinations and tourist attractions on the chart. To enable budding Rail Riders like me to do this, as a member I got a book of vouchers saving between £1-£5 off the full priced rail fare. This was my incentive when pleading with my parents to take me somewhere on the train so that I could get a sticker too. My powers of persuasion were no better then they are now. There are only three distinct trips I remember making - one to Eastleigh, another to Winchester and the furthest was down to Poole! Plus a couple of times when my parents must have been feeling particularly adventurous we went to London.

I've always seen train trips in particular as something of an adventure. Now, as an adult and with a passion for railways to match that of me as a wide-eyed boy standing on the platform noting down numbers, I get a lot of interest and enjoyment from the railways. For me a journey on the train isn't just a means of getting from A to B. I feel that driving a car anywhere would be just that; a means to an end. After all what is so interesting about cars and roads and motorways? Not a lot in my view.

I passed my driving test about 10 years ago. I remember that the only reason I started learning to drive was because it was something that I felt I should do. There was perhaps some vague idea of getting a car when I passed but I wasn't serious about the idea. Driving lessons were akin to two hours of slow and terrifying torture. I am not a naturally confident person and behind the wheel any confidence I had was shot to pieces within a few minutes out on the road. I never felt entirely in control and I didn't enjoy any aspect of driving. In fact it is perhaps that I found the experience so traumatic and unpleasant that I've never wanted to drive since, despite passing my test first time. Even when I did pass, I made no real fuss about it. It was just a matter of fact thing. I'd done it, that was it. There was no feeling of elation or excitement, just a dull acceptance that I'd got through it.

Therefore with such a bad experience behind me why would I want a car and drive it every day?Especially when contrasted with such happy and contented memories of those rare trips out by train or the slightly less enjoyable but somehow fun expeditions on the bus? At least on the train or bus all the worry of how you're going to get from A to B is taken away. There is the opportunity to just sit back and relax.

I admit there are times when having a car would be so handy but the thing that dissuades me is the thought that it would be that would have to drive it!

So that in summary is why I don't have a car and never intend to have one. Questions, comments and criticisms welcome!

Still going forward but slowly

I weighed myself again this morning to see if I'd lost anything since last Monday. To my surprise I've lost 1/2lb, which I know is a minuscule amount really. But I've not been trying to loose weight and rather than beat myself up about it, I've taken it as a sign that I need to do better. I can make progress and I need to push myself hard this week to do so.

Last night I did my shopping on-line with Tesco (as I normally do) albeit this time I didn't just add things mindlessly to my virtual shopping trolley. I'd sat down beforehand, pulled the various low fat and healthy cookbooks off my bookshelf, where they've lain undisturbed for a good many months and selected a variety of meals that looked interesting and are fairly quick and easy. I have no skill when it comes to the kitchen so the more simple, the better. So my shopping list was geared around these recipes bulked out with vegetables and other fairly basic essentials like milk and bread. I feel quite pleased with myself as doing the shopping this way saved money and also I am looking forward to some of the fun sounding meals I am going to enjoy over the coming weeks.

Another thing that I've started doing recently is exercising more discipline when it comes to portion sizes and training myself to think that just because its there I don't have to eat it. I think that because as a child I was always told to eat up everything on my plate, it has become exaggerated as an adult and I have a tendency to eat too much.

Perhaps the most important change I've made is one in my attitude. I am trying very hard to not feel negative about food or beat myself up if and when I do over-indulge. I know that I will but I've got to get away from the negative feelings and build on positive thoughts. Instead of thinking that I can't have certain things, I need to think about all the foods that I can have. One thing which I have already given up is crisps. I've done so before but this time I am adamant that it will be a permanent change. Instead I have some nuts, which are both more nutritious and not covered in salt, although do have to watch the fat content! I think its these small and gradual changes, which are important. A lot of it is habit and I am trying to break the cycle of bad habits and create good ones.

Yep, its slow progress so far but this week I intend to push myself that bid harder and reap the benefits. Update to follow next Monday.

The God Delusion

After my comments yesterday about my difficulty in getting to grips with polemical novels, I've started reading Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion(!). Its a book that has been sitting on the shelf since Christmas so I thought it was time to read it and also I fancied a change from reading novels.

I haven't got far in and I am deliberately trying to appraise this book and Dawkins' arguments with a critical eye. I am not sure I entirely support his general hypothesis suggested by the books title, that a belief in God or religion for that matter, is for delusional people. That I find rather insulting and a little too obvious a statement to make. Apparently the book came about after Dawkins did a Channel 4 series called The Root of All Evil, although he carefully distances himself from the suggestion that religion can be characterised in such terms. The opening passages I read last night seemed to be a staunch defence of atheism as a 'belief' system and I am not entirely carried by that idea. I also wonder how he will deal with what appears to be an obvious paradox that by denying the existence of God (or any God) there is some form of tacit agreement that God (or a God in some form) must exist. Personally, as I've got older my feelings, which were largely atheist have moderated. I am not sure whether I do believe in God or not or if it really matters whether God does exist. Sometimes I feel that the commitment of belief is enough, to know whether what I believe is true or not, is not necessary. And maybe I am also attracted to the idea that there are at least some mysteries left, some truths that are unknowable.

I will see in the coming weeks whether Dawkins manages to convince me otherwise...

The Human Stain

Last night I finished reading The Human Stain by Phillip Roth. A curious book and one that I feel, as so often with novels that are either polemical or have some profound point to make, has a meaning that passes me by. The novel is (and this is all in my own words) the story of Coleman Silk, a retired college professor who has lived his whole life with a striking secret. The author Phillip Roth, appears in this book as an author(!) called Nathan Zuckerman who briefly becomes a close friend of Silk and is writing the book, The Human Stain! Essentially I got the impression that the human stain is the infinite secrets that we all have and the corrosive effect that those secrets have on those around us and closest to our hearts. Furthermore, it seemed to be making a strong point about how our prejudices and biases can have serious and sometimes catastrophic consequences for others. It is about the trail that we leave behind, the unavoidable imprint of who and what we are.

I guess we can never escape from the people that we are, although notably that is what the characters in The Human Stain appear to be trying to do. Coleman Silk, the most obvious example, is a Negro who has renounced his roots and lived his whole life as a 'white' man, cutting himself off from his family and keeping his true heritage secret from his wife of fifty years and his four children. It is the unravelling of this secret and Silk's life as a fake, that is the heart of The Human Stain.

This is the second book I have read by Roth, the first, The Plot Against America, was written in a similar style. It is a clever style as it felt to me like I was eavesdropping on these characters lives. It was interesting how Roth himself is both at once part of the story as a passive observer and also the narrator, an interesting storytelling device.

101 and up

Wow, this is my 101st post!

Slow progress

I've been agonising over whether to say this on my blog as I am not sure whether the public shame will motivate me or not! I've been thinking a lot over recent weeks and months about losing weight and not this time just for the short-term. I realise that I need to make long-term and permanent changes to what I eat and my levels of activity as frankly I don't like being fat and part of what is holding me back is my anxiety and unhappiness with my size. I need to regain some self-confidence and self-esteem and I think losing weight will go a long way to achieving both.

So last week I started to think more about what I am eating. In truth its something that I've been doing for a lot longer but I've reached a stage where I just know that if I carry on as I have been, I will make myself ill. As I suffer from high blood pressure losing weight will help bring that down and I am sure provide me with a greater sense of well being generally.

My first week hasn't been very promising. I've been more active but still eating too much of the wrong things. Some of it is laziness, other times its to punish myself or just through boredom and negativity.

Once I get through this week, which is going to be difficult, for all the reasons I've said before, I am going to set myself goals. Realistic, achievable goals of where I want to be, why and how I am going to do it. I think all too often in the past when I've tried to loose weight, I've never asked myself why I want to and therefore never understood what I've wanted at the end of it. And it has been all too easy to set myself targets which are too challenging and unachievable, so that I find it easy to think I've failed and therefore give up. One thing which I have read, which seems to make sense and fit in with where I've gone wrong before is that perfection is impossible, consistency is what is essential.

Even with the rather lacklustre efforts that I've made this part week I lost 3/4lbs. Really not much at all but a step in the right direction. And I know its all going to be little steps, small increments, modest progress but I am determined that I will get there. I am not going to give in or fail myself this time.

Get today over and I can deal with tomorrow

A sentiment that I often feel, that one, just get through today and tomorrow will be better. I can deal with things better tomorrow, when I am fresh and ready, my anxieties behind me. My anxiety today is an exam I am doing this afternoon. This is the culmination of my current Open University course, Power, Dissent, Equality: Understanding Contemporary Politics. Its a three hour exam during which I have to write three essay answers from a range of twelve questions. The questions are in two sections - one on the themes of the course and the other on the different blocks. I've seen the last couple of year's exam papers so know pretty much what to except. I can't help feeling at the moment that I know nothing about any of the course, that it has all somehow slipped me by and I've taken nothing in. Its not true, I do know a lot of the key points and issues but just not sure if I know enough. Can I just wing it in the end and do my best? I'll be glad come 5.30 when the exam is over and I can just come home and put it all behind me.

Then tomorrow there is facing up to being back at work, knowing that a lot of my colleagues are facing redundancy. I am glad in some ways that I am not there today as I imagine the atmosphere will be awful, much as it was come the news on Friday afternoon. As for me, my anger at my fate has abated somewhat, although I am very unhappy that in a weeks time I will be doing a new job, which I can't help but see as a demotion. It is a less demanding job than what I am doing now, less challenging and almost certainly less fulfilling. How do I know this? Because I've done part of the role before and know what is involved. I am upset because I feel like I am being told that I am not good enough for the team I work in now.

My mind is pretty much made up that I need to find a new job and quite honestly I want out of underwriting altogether. I think that whatever similar job I move into, even with another company, will be much the same as it is where I work now. I feel I need a clean break, a fresh challenge and to move onto something completely different. Too long I've been in my comfort zone and I need to push myself to get out of it.

There are many things that I am looking forward too, especially when today and perhaps this week, is out of the way. Saturday I am off on a steam-hauled excursion down to Kent, which I've been looking forward to for months; just waiting for my ticket to come. Tickets that have arrived today are those to the BBC Proms this summer, I am doing seven concerts in all over the season. This will undoubtedly be one of the highlights of the summer months for me and I am much looking forward to the experience.

In July I am going to Celebration Europe, an official Star Wars convention, the enthusiasm for which has been somewhat tempered by the lack of detail and non-arrival (so far) of the ticket that I booked several months ago. In a few weeks time it is my friend Tim's 30th Birthday and I am hoping that the weather holds for that; it should be a lovely day. I am also going to see Derek & Carla in Nuneaton the previous weekend, so two breaks in two weekends will be lovely! Carla has gained British citizenship and I am pleased to be going along to her Citizenship Ceremony.

Somewhere in between all that I am planning to visit my parents down in Portsmouth as I haven't been back since March! Its shocking how the weeks and particularly the weekends slip by with so many plans never fulfilled.

As I say if I can just get through today and into tomorrow, there is so much more to look forward too.