I've had a frustrating day. At work I am getting into the siege mentality and by that I mean that I feel hounded from one quarter or another, with an ever amassing case load on my desk. I swear at points today there was literally a queue of people waiting at my desk, it felt like that anyway. And e-mail is the absolute curse of the modern office in my view. Often abused and over utilised in sending pointless or senseless messages, which occupy too much focus and time when I feel energies could be spent doing something more productive. Why do people feel the need to copy the whole office in on the most inconsequential of messages. Its not like you would 'phone everyone in the office to tell them! Then I wonder, in exasperation that is unfair and unjustified, 'can nobody do anything right?' And I include myself in that. Under pressure I don't do my best. I make silly mistakes, I find myself correcting and becoming annoyed by the stupid things I get wrong. It becomes a self-defeating cycle, piling more pressure to do better when really a break from it all for a few minutes to clear the mind would be a better idea.
Everyone in the office is under pressure at the moment, tempers (although not mine) occasionally fray and people understandably become irritable. Then the management ask if we would like to work weekends as well, as if working five days a week slogging our guts out isn't enough! Noticeably those asking are often the last in and first out the door come the beginning and end of the day.
I have to admit that my recent tardiness is beginning to be noticed. The odd comment here and there. But try as I might, I can't summon any enthusiasm to go into work. I prejudge the day before I get there, I know what it's going to be like. Mostly I am right.
One of the things I hate most is conflict of any sort. I will go to great lengths to avoid saying 'no' which often is a feature of the job I do. It is almost certainly going to lead to an unhappy and maybe aggressive response from the person who is being told 'no.' I worry about some of the cases I have to deal with, fretting over the 'phone call I am going to have to make for maybe hours, even days beforehand and then over-analyse it afterwards to the point that I doubt myself. I've had to say 'no' a couple of times today and in recent days.
What really pissed me off though was a comment from someone patronising me about losing weight and how 'you know its not good for the heart and you can get diabetes.' Well, thank you very much for the newsflash! I knew that already and I don't need supercilious remarks like that to make me feel any worse than I do about it. Its the arrogance of that sort of remark that irritates me. The presumption that I am fat because I want to be and that it is all my own fault. Well, yes, true it is because I have little self-control and yes it is my fault. But, here's another newsflash, it ain't easy losing weight. For me I don't think it is eating that is the problem it is the emotional issues that I need to deal with and the self-pity. It so easy to fall into a self-reinforcing cycle of negativity where I am convinced that I will never loose weight, so why even bother making an effort? I hate being fat. I hate it. I hate myself as much for being so weak as not able to do anything about it.
But that's crap isn't it? I need a slap in the face for that sort of remark. I am just making excuses. I am feeding that negative cycle and I want to stop doing that. I can't do that though unless I address what is really underlying all this and that is something I can't face. Because I don't want to. Because it is easier to deny or avoid dealing with things that are too painful. So the cycle continues.
Aaarghhh! I don't know whether to cry or slam my fists on the table!
Tomorrow is a new day.
Hopefully it will be a better one.