Sometimes I think its true that you can find literally whatever you want to know on the Internet. I've had one of those evenings where I started out with a certain purpose in mind but about 2 hours later ended up wondering what I'd spent all that time doing. And on the way visited some interesting sites and found out some stuff that I didn't know.
I had some specific songs in mind that I wanted to download from iTunes. As I was doing this I decided to search for music by John Miles, an artist who I only know from his 1976 hit Music. I've downloaded a couple of tracks from his debut album, Rebel, including Music, When You Loose Someone So Young and You Have it All. From there I ended up doing a search on Wikipedia and found my way to John Miles' homepage and so now know that he was born in Jarrow, North East England, Rebel was his debut album, he has toured with Tina Turner amongst others and details of albums he has released since. Going off at a tangent I read that part of his track Music was used for a jingles package for Independent Local Radio Station Mercury! Its amazing what you can discover on the Internet! More than likely I will buy Rebel as I like the three tracks that I've downloaded, even though I've only listened to them through properly the once.
Anyhows I burned myself a CD from the tunes I downloaded, selecting mainly stuff from the 1960s, 70s and 80s because to be honest, I am not that impressed with much that has been released since. So, I have tracks from the aforementioned John Miles, Harry Chapin, Bobby Goldsboro, Glen Campbell, Billy Ocean, Sweet Sensation, Elvis Presley, Nina Simone, Leo Sayer and Don McLean. Um, a bit of a mix I guess! They're all artists and particular tracks I've chosen because either they have particular memories or they're just great tunes. Mostly, its music that I remember hearing on the radio as a kid. I know, not the kind of music that most young boys or teenagers would listen to! But then I think music is a personal thing and although it may not appeal to anyone else, it is special to me and that is what is important. I don't want to be one of the crowd and certainly not when it comes to my taste in music!
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Tomorrow is a better day
I've not been happy of late. Downright miserable and irritable would perhaps be more accurate to say. I am feeling happier now, the dark mood has lifted quite considerably. One of the reasons I haven't updated this blog is because no one wants to hear a miserable sod going on about his woes. It gets tiresome after a while and problem is when I am in that mood I often say many things that I'll later feel bad about. In the cold light of the morning things always seem more rational and it leaves me often wondering what was all the fuss and heat about.
There is no one thing I can say which has promoted this unhappy state of mood for the last week and a bit. Mainly it has been work. Getting pissed off about my new job, not enjoying it at all because what I have done so far I feel is a waste of my abilities and just doesn't enthuse me with any motivation. In fact I wonder if I didn't turn up one day if anybody would notice my absence. All week, I've been getting to work increasingly late and not one word has been said about it. I am convinced that if I didn't make the effort to engage others in the occasional conversation, mainly to vent my frustration*/unhappiness*/anger* (* delete as appropriate) about work, I'd sit in silence all day.
I know its a bad mind set to be in because negative thoughts and moreover negative talk is self-serving and defeating. It doesn't achieve anything and I don't feel better for having said the things I've said, just more negative and despondent. Not good.
Things are better. Today has been a better day. I feel happier, more in control. I am trying to keep smiling, looking at the positive rather than the negative. Tomorrow is another day. That's what I keep in mind.
There is no one thing I can say which has promoted this unhappy state of mood for the last week and a bit. Mainly it has been work. Getting pissed off about my new job, not enjoying it at all because what I have done so far I feel is a waste of my abilities and just doesn't enthuse me with any motivation. In fact I wonder if I didn't turn up one day if anybody would notice my absence. All week, I've been getting to work increasingly late and not one word has been said about it. I am convinced that if I didn't make the effort to engage others in the occasional conversation, mainly to vent my frustration*/unhappiness*/anger* (* delete as appropriate) about work, I'd sit in silence all day.
I know its a bad mind set to be in because negative thoughts and moreover negative talk is self-serving and defeating. It doesn't achieve anything and I don't feel better for having said the things I've said, just more negative and despondent. Not good.
Things are better. Today has been a better day. I feel happier, more in control. I am trying to keep smiling, looking at the positive rather than the negative. Tomorrow is another day. That's what I keep in mind.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things
I am sure I have mentioned in this blog before about my adoration for Jon McGregor's stunning debut novel If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things. I mention it again because I see that a new edition of the book has been published this year. I came across it purely by chance, as I was looking for a novel by Tim Lott whose Rumours of a Hurricane is an excellent read particularly as a good deal of it is set in Milton Keynes. In the end I didn't buy either of these books - I opted for Philip Roth's The Human Stain.
Anyhows I am digressing.
So, seeing McGregor's book in an attractive new cover and some additional blurb on the cover from the publishers, I did the one thing which I always hate everyone else doing, I blocked up the aisle, absorbing myself again in McGregor's wonderful prose. Moreover I was engaged by the new introduction that has been written for the book and a section at the back, which poses questions about the novel, the idea being that these can form the basis of a discussion in a reading group. Just reading those few bits brought flooding back all the wonderful things about this book and made me question it again.
I've read If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things twice at least, possibly three times and each time I have come away with something new. I've seen the characters through fresh eyes each time and different parts have caught my attention. What remains true is that I think this is a stunning piece of modern fiction. It is complex in structure, unusual in its style and imaginative. What is so fascinating is the rhythm of the words, not really like conventional prose at all. Reading McGregor's book feels different to a normal novel and better for it.
I also like the way that he elevates the everyday into something magical. The mundane becomes remarkable and the characters although they remain deliberately anonymous have such fascinating and beautifully moving stories. That is what sticks out for me. The fact that even in the street where we live there is so much we don't know, all the drama, the highs and lows of each life. All the remarkable things that ordinary people do each day.
And the book has a quite shattering climax. McGregor deliberately slows the pace as he tells in vivid detail the final tragedy. It changes the perspectives of everything else that happens on that nameless day at the end of summer. Even in the midst of the events that change everything, McGregor observes how life in the anonymous city continues just as normal. While the central characters at the centre of the book are changed forever, the heartbeat of the city doesn't pause.
I'd recommend this book whole heartedly and indeed McGregor's second novel, So Many Ways to Begin, which adopts a similar style. I might even buy If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things again, just so that I can have the new version on my shelf!
Anyhows I am digressing.
So, seeing McGregor's book in an attractive new cover and some additional blurb on the cover from the publishers, I did the one thing which I always hate everyone else doing, I blocked up the aisle, absorbing myself again in McGregor's wonderful prose. Moreover I was engaged by the new introduction that has been written for the book and a section at the back, which poses questions about the novel, the idea being that these can form the basis of a discussion in a reading group. Just reading those few bits brought flooding back all the wonderful things about this book and made me question it again.
I've read If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things twice at least, possibly three times and each time I have come away with something new. I've seen the characters through fresh eyes each time and different parts have caught my attention. What remains true is that I think this is a stunning piece of modern fiction. It is complex in structure, unusual in its style and imaginative. What is so fascinating is the rhythm of the words, not really like conventional prose at all. Reading McGregor's book feels different to a normal novel and better for it.
I also like the way that he elevates the everyday into something magical. The mundane becomes remarkable and the characters although they remain deliberately anonymous have such fascinating and beautifully moving stories. That is what sticks out for me. The fact that even in the street where we live there is so much we don't know, all the drama, the highs and lows of each life. All the remarkable things that ordinary people do each day.
And the book has a quite shattering climax. McGregor deliberately slows the pace as he tells in vivid detail the final tragedy. It changes the perspectives of everything else that happens on that nameless day at the end of summer. Even in the midst of the events that change everything, McGregor observes how life in the anonymous city continues just as normal. While the central characters at the centre of the book are changed forever, the heartbeat of the city doesn't pause.
I'd recommend this book whole heartedly and indeed McGregor's second novel, So Many Ways to Begin, which adopts a similar style. I might even buy If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things again, just so that I can have the new version on my shelf!
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Wednesday
I am not particularly happy at the moment. Work is not good since I moved to my new team on Monday. The people I am working with are not as nice, there is an air of tension around the office and everyone is under enormous pressure and stress because of the amount of work they're being expected to do. It is a far from happy environment. I am finding it difficult to fit in, trying to learn the new processes and work while at the same time managing out the case load I brought with me from my previous job. I am getting to a stage where I am feeling unable to cope. I'll probably have to do some extra hours to get myself back on track although I've been so exhausted the last few days that I really haven't felt like doing anything more.
What is not helping is the fact that I seem to be coming down with a cold. Its that odd state I am in at the moment, feeling lethargic, with splitting headache that has been with me most of the day and generally feeling under the weather.
So basically I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. Its times like this when it becomes hard being on my own. I know I could 'phone one of my friends if I wanted to talk but is not the same as having someone with me. Sometimes I need more than words of reassurance down a telephone line.
Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and its only two more days until the weekend and I have nothing planned, so I can relax and spend some selfish 'me' time doing the things I want.
I remember as a kid whenever I was ill or feeling a bit sorry for myself, like I do now, that my parents would always assure me that I would feel better after a good night's sleep. Mostly they were right too. Often in the morning, things seem clearer and better than they do at night. I am sure it will be the same tomorrow, I'll feel happier and reassured.
What is not helping is the fact that I seem to be coming down with a cold. Its that odd state I am in at the moment, feeling lethargic, with splitting headache that has been with me most of the day and generally feeling under the weather.
So basically I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. Its times like this when it becomes hard being on my own. I know I could 'phone one of my friends if I wanted to talk but is not the same as having someone with me. Sometimes I need more than words of reassurance down a telephone line.
Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and its only two more days until the weekend and I have nothing planned, so I can relax and spend some selfish 'me' time doing the things I want.
I remember as a kid whenever I was ill or feeling a bit sorry for myself, like I do now, that my parents would always assure me that I would feel better after a good night's sleep. Mostly they were right too. Often in the morning, things seem clearer and better than they do at night. I am sure it will be the same tomorrow, I'll feel happier and reassured.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Recent films
I've been listening to Alan Titchmarsh on Radio 2 and some wonderful choices of music. I can't think of many things that are more fun than spending two hours every Sunday evening playing a selection of my favourite music. So Mr Titchmarsh, if you ever need a stand in, I am your man!
As a slight compensation I have this blog, which while it may not be regular (which if you visit regularly you will have noticed!) and doesn't last for 2 hours (although it might take me that long to write each post) it is my space. This is my time and my place to share with those of you reading my favourite things or just my observations, inane ramblings or nostalgia...whatever takes the mood at the time.
Over the last week I've seen some cracking films. Starting last Saturday with a trip to Colchester to see Witchfinder at the Headgate Theatre. This film features a good friend of mine, Joe Sales, as John Stearne, assistant to the Witchfinder General, Matthew Hopkins. It is an amateur production but not in anyway in the bad sense of that word. You can read my review on Joe's blog here.
Last Sunday I watched Monster based on the troubled life of Aileen Wuornos, America's first female serial killer. It is a depressing film and one that like The Woodsman, simultaneously produces deep revulsion and feelings of sympathy for its central character. Its a morally complex and ambiguous film although its handicapped by a central lesbian relationship between Wuornos and Selby (played by Christina Ricci) that doesn't work for me. The affair between these two desperate women seems forced and I feel the actors are uncomfortable in their portrayal. It is still a powerful film and there are moments which are both chilling and sickening.
Yesterday I saw Bobby, Emilio Estevez's film on the events leading up to the assassination of Robert Kennedy in June 1968. It is clear that this film has been a labour of love for Estevez. It is beautifully crafted following the intersecting lives of 22 characters at the Ambassador Hotel on the day and night that Kennedy was shot and fatally wounded. It reminded me in its intercutting of characters and its slow build to a powerful, emotional climax of Magnolia, with all its characters, eventually thrust into the centre of the terrible events of 5 June 1968. I cried through the last ten minutes of the film, which is awesome in its power and pathos. No one left the cinema when the credits came up, everyone stayed to watch the first part, with pictures of Kennedy and his family shown alongside the names of the principal cast. This is a film that boldly states its message and while some maybe cynical of its idealism I found it's hopefulness something that inspires.
As a slight compensation I have this blog, which while it may not be regular (which if you visit regularly you will have noticed!) and doesn't last for 2 hours (although it might take me that long to write each post) it is my space. This is my time and my place to share with those of you reading my favourite things or just my observations, inane ramblings or nostalgia...whatever takes the mood at the time.
Over the last week I've seen some cracking films. Starting last Saturday with a trip to Colchester to see Witchfinder at the Headgate Theatre. This film features a good friend of mine, Joe Sales, as John Stearne, assistant to the Witchfinder General, Matthew Hopkins. It is an amateur production but not in anyway in the bad sense of that word. You can read my review on Joe's blog here.
Last Sunday I watched Monster based on the troubled life of Aileen Wuornos, America's first female serial killer. It is a depressing film and one that like The Woodsman, simultaneously produces deep revulsion and feelings of sympathy for its central character. Its a morally complex and ambiguous film although its handicapped by a central lesbian relationship between Wuornos and Selby (played by Christina Ricci) that doesn't work for me. The affair between these two desperate women seems forced and I feel the actors are uncomfortable in their portrayal. It is still a powerful film and there are moments which are both chilling and sickening.
Yesterday I saw Bobby, Emilio Estevez's film on the events leading up to the assassination of Robert Kennedy in June 1968. It is clear that this film has been a labour of love for Estevez. It is beautifully crafted following the intersecting lives of 22 characters at the Ambassador Hotel on the day and night that Kennedy was shot and fatally wounded. It reminded me in its intercutting of characters and its slow build to a powerful, emotional climax of Magnolia, with all its characters, eventually thrust into the centre of the terrible events of 5 June 1968. I cried through the last ten minutes of the film, which is awesome in its power and pathos. No one left the cinema when the credits came up, everyone stayed to watch the first part, with pictures of Kennedy and his family shown alongside the names of the principal cast. This is a film that boldly states its message and while some maybe cynical of its idealism I found it's hopefulness something that inspires.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Moving on
I had bad news yesterday at work. I am being moved from my current team to work in a different area. To say that I am bitterly disappointed is an understatement. I've invested a good deal of time and personal effort into the team I am working with now, building up my skills and knowledge and I feel making a genuine and positive commitment to the job, so to be told that I am being moved out of the team was a complete shock and a personal blow.
Personally it has hit me hard. For the first time in a long while I feel happy where I am working now. I've got to know the people I am working with and enjoy the work. It is the best team I've worked with and I get a buzz from the commitment and dedication shown by everyone and the supportive environment. The work itself is interesting, challenging and additionally has a certain prestige attached to it. Moving onto something else, just when I feel I've got myself settled and comfortable, is the last thing I want. But it isn't my choice and there is nothing I can do or say that is going to change the decision that has been made.
I am trying not to let all the politics of the situation bother me because I know that it will just make me angry and make things more negative than they already are. There is politics involved and there are reasons why this decision has been made, which have nothing to do with me but serve other purposes. I could get angry about the way I was told, which was in a rather flippant and casual way or about the fact that I was only told half the story. The real reasons only became apparent later. Or I could be angry about the fact that other people in my team knew what was happening before I did.
I don't want to go, that's the bottom line. I thought after a night's sleep I would feel differently about it. Sometimes, in the morning things are clearer or seem less important. This doesn't. I feel disappointed and as if I have failed in some way. Although technically the move is side-ways, I can't help feeling it is a demotion.
In a few weeks I am sure all this will be forgotten and I will be settling into the new job. I just don't want to make that step though. I have no choice so I will have to focus on the positive and try and make the best of it. There is the advantage that the change will broaden my experience and give me skills, which will make it easier to look for another job. I guess that is what I need to focus on; the future not the here and now.
Personally it has hit me hard. For the first time in a long while I feel happy where I am working now. I've got to know the people I am working with and enjoy the work. It is the best team I've worked with and I get a buzz from the commitment and dedication shown by everyone and the supportive environment. The work itself is interesting, challenging and additionally has a certain prestige attached to it. Moving onto something else, just when I feel I've got myself settled and comfortable, is the last thing I want. But it isn't my choice and there is nothing I can do or say that is going to change the decision that has been made.
I am trying not to let all the politics of the situation bother me because I know that it will just make me angry and make things more negative than they already are. There is politics involved and there are reasons why this decision has been made, which have nothing to do with me but serve other purposes. I could get angry about the way I was told, which was in a rather flippant and casual way or about the fact that I was only told half the story. The real reasons only became apparent later. Or I could be angry about the fact that other people in my team knew what was happening before I did.
I don't want to go, that's the bottom line. I thought after a night's sleep I would feel differently about it. Sometimes, in the morning things are clearer or seem less important. This doesn't. I feel disappointed and as if I have failed in some way. Although technically the move is side-ways, I can't help feeling it is a demotion.
In a few weeks I am sure all this will be forgotten and I will be settling into the new job. I just don't want to make that step though. I have no choice so I will have to focus on the positive and try and make the best of it. There is the advantage that the change will broaden my experience and give me skills, which will make it easier to look for another job. I guess that is what I need to focus on; the future not the here and now.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Feeling Good
Had a great time on Saturday, albeit a very long day. Started early enough - left home shortly before 7am to get to Reading for 10 and only just made it! Was my OU Tutorial on Saturday and I felt really pleased with myself that I contributed what I thought were fairly intelligent and erudite comments on the American legal system and constitution, which is interesting seeing as the course I am doing is about UK politics! It did have relevance though as it was to do with the comparison between the UK and US political systems, which are about as different as chalk and cheese. Studying one informs the other and vice versa so my comments were with value and importance. Also surprised myself with being able to correctly name every UK Prime Minister since 1945! Although admittedly I struggled with Clement Attlee, which is a shame as his premiership has been overshadowed by history yet it is argued that his tenure at No.10 shaped the UK for the rest of the century. Not just the establishment of the NHS and the modern welfare state but also the nationalisation of utilities and railways and the building of consensual government in the post-war period.
Later in the day it was back to London to meet with friends, which after some mix ups, did do eventually at the British Museum. This is one of those places that just awes me. Everything about the BM is grandiose and triumphant. Much like the feeling I had earlier in the morning arriving at Paddington station. Whenever I head up the stairs/escalators out of the tube station into that magnificent concourse, I swear I get tears in my eyes. It is not just the enormity or grand design of the train shed that takes my breath away, its the atmosphere with fumes and roar of engines that making it feel alive. Anyhows back to the British Museum and I get similar feelings. These impressive buildings speak of greatness and power; a testament to a proud and patriotic nation. At the British Museum we spent time covering the Egyptian and Greek exhibits seeing the Rosetta Stone and the Elgin Marbles. It is such an impressive and wonderful collection of treasures, it just has to be seen to be believed.
We left the British Museum and headed back to the West End, stopping off at Forbidden Planet in Shaftesbury Avenue before settling at a pub for a few hours well earned rest and replenishment of the liquid and food kind! Just a wonderful few hours, talking about all sorts, Star Wars mainly, naturally! Sharing good memories and happy times together. Tim has got me hooked on the new Star Wars Miniatures Game, must get my starter set!
Yesterday was a quiet day, catching up on my sleep mainly and working on my current essay, which I've started writing tonight. Last night I decided to chill and watch a film. Choice was It's A Wonderful Life, which I've had at home on rental for a few weeks. It has been a while since I've seen this film and I'd forgotten just how good it is. A lovely, heart-warming story that made me think how important everyday is. I like the fact that George Bailey is taken to see what life would be like if he had never been born as it shows just how much we all influence and impact on each others lives, even in very small ways, which can have profound implications. His realisation that his life is important and that he is in every way the 'richest' person in Bedford Falls is simply wonderful. It brought tears to my eyes.
I picked up some bargain DVD's today at lunchtime - Monster, The Remains of the Day and October Sky and I recorded The Shipping News and Moonlight Mile, which were on TV this weekend, so I've got a fair amount of film watching to do! Plus I got another Nina Simone CD - an absolute snatch at £2.99! A compilation of her work between 1964-1967 it includes Feeling Good, a track that perfectly sums up my outlook just now. Yet again this is a exceptional CD and I really do wonder why Simone is so underrated when it seems to me that she was such a towering talent. From what I've read, difficult and idiosyncratic too but a genius all the same. Okay, she may not have been the most attractive woman, although certainly striking and she may not have had the most accomplished singing voice but she knew how to use it and deliver music that is affecting and powerful. I'll keep buying her music though, I am hooked!
Later in the day it was back to London to meet with friends, which after some mix ups, did do eventually at the British Museum. This is one of those places that just awes me. Everything about the BM is grandiose and triumphant. Much like the feeling I had earlier in the morning arriving at Paddington station. Whenever I head up the stairs/escalators out of the tube station into that magnificent concourse, I swear I get tears in my eyes. It is not just the enormity or grand design of the train shed that takes my breath away, its the atmosphere with fumes and roar of engines that making it feel alive. Anyhows back to the British Museum and I get similar feelings. These impressive buildings speak of greatness and power; a testament to a proud and patriotic nation. At the British Museum we spent time covering the Egyptian and Greek exhibits seeing the Rosetta Stone and the Elgin Marbles. It is such an impressive and wonderful collection of treasures, it just has to be seen to be believed.
We left the British Museum and headed back to the West End, stopping off at Forbidden Planet in Shaftesbury Avenue before settling at a pub for a few hours well earned rest and replenishment of the liquid and food kind! Just a wonderful few hours, talking about all sorts, Star Wars mainly, naturally! Sharing good memories and happy times together. Tim has got me hooked on the new Star Wars Miniatures Game, must get my starter set!
Yesterday was a quiet day, catching up on my sleep mainly and working on my current essay, which I've started writing tonight. Last night I decided to chill and watch a film. Choice was It's A Wonderful Life, which I've had at home on rental for a few weeks. It has been a while since I've seen this film and I'd forgotten just how good it is. A lovely, heart-warming story that made me think how important everyday is. I like the fact that George Bailey is taken to see what life would be like if he had never been born as it shows just how much we all influence and impact on each others lives, even in very small ways, which can have profound implications. His realisation that his life is important and that he is in every way the 'richest' person in Bedford Falls is simply wonderful. It brought tears to my eyes.
I picked up some bargain DVD's today at lunchtime - Monster, The Remains of the Day and October Sky and I recorded The Shipping News and Moonlight Mile, which were on TV this weekend, so I've got a fair amount of film watching to do! Plus I got another Nina Simone CD - an absolute snatch at £2.99! A compilation of her work between 1964-1967 it includes Feeling Good, a track that perfectly sums up my outlook just now. Yet again this is a exceptional CD and I really do wonder why Simone is so underrated when it seems to me that she was such a towering talent. From what I've read, difficult and idiosyncratic too but a genius all the same. Okay, she may not have been the most attractive woman, although certainly striking and she may not have had the most accomplished singing voice but she knew how to use it and deliver music that is affecting and powerful. I'll keep buying her music though, I am hooked!
Friday, January 12, 2007
The treadmill of work
The mini-break of Christmas and New Year now seems a distant memory although Christmas was only 3 weeks ago. Work is picking up again, next week promises to be extremely busy. Some days it feels like being a hamster on a wheel, constantly peddling away but getting nowhere very fast and not rewarded for the effort either. Not that I dislike my job. On the contrary I am very much enjoying what I do now. It would just be nice if the culture of the organisation was different. The people I work with are excellent, a really great team. Its just that above them there is no recognition of what we do, of the effort we all put in every day and the results that we deliver for the Company. One of the stock phrases of our team is that we 'add value' to the business, a fact that seems to be sadly missed by everyone beyond our immediate manager.
Reward, is not as the Management seem to believe, just about money. Its about being appreciated and acknowledged. It would be nice if our more senior managers could stop by once in a while and actually show some - any - interest in what we do, what pressures we're facing, what's going well and what isn't. Talk to the staff, engage them in the way the business is run, share in their experience and expertise, motivate and lead through example. Build an office that is where everyone wants to come to work each day and feels that their individual contribution is important and necessary. A place where people feel free to enjoy their work and have realistic goals to work towards. In other words, actually manage instead of firing off e-mails from a distance to tell us how wonderful they think they are along with some patronising management speak about how we are appreciated and valued.
I don't expect things to change. They never do, for the better. I do wonder if this will be the pattern of my working life for the next 30 years? Maybe I should get out now. I've thought about it many times in the past. There is always the danger though that the grass, while it may look greener outside, maybe just as brown and worn as the grass where I am. Or to use another metaphor, jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. Maybe I'll stick where I am for now and consider my options.
Reward, is not as the Management seem to believe, just about money. Its about being appreciated and acknowledged. It would be nice if our more senior managers could stop by once in a while and actually show some - any - interest in what we do, what pressures we're facing, what's going well and what isn't. Talk to the staff, engage them in the way the business is run, share in their experience and expertise, motivate and lead through example. Build an office that is where everyone wants to come to work each day and feels that their individual contribution is important and necessary. A place where people feel free to enjoy their work and have realistic goals to work towards. In other words, actually manage instead of firing off e-mails from a distance to tell us how wonderful they think they are along with some patronising management speak about how we are appreciated and valued.
I don't expect things to change. They never do, for the better. I do wonder if this will be the pattern of my working life for the next 30 years? Maybe I should get out now. I've thought about it many times in the past. There is always the danger though that the grass, while it may look greener outside, maybe just as brown and worn as the grass where I am. Or to use another metaphor, jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. Maybe I'll stick where I am for now and consider my options.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Looking ahead
This is my 60th post. Seems like a small milestone, a recognition that this blog is now firmly established, even if it isn't that well read. That doesn't particularly matter to me. This blog was always here for selfish reasons - it's about me and it's for me. I do welcome those that do contribute and post and I value their comments on what I've said and posted.
I haven't said a lot recently because there hasn't been much that I've wanted to say. I did consider yesterday reposting an e-mail that I sent to my friends - the Groovy Gang - on Battlestar Galactica. The Groovy Gang? Where did that phrase come from? I believe it was Jamie who first coined it but the where, when and why are forgotten to me. I am sure if he's reading this he'll drop by and let me know. Over time 'The Groovy Gang' has become shorthand for my group of friends - a particular core of individuals who I've known for many years. Of course it equally applies to me and indeed all of 'us' - we are all part of the Groovy Gang. I think it's a great little title, it sounds trendy and fun, a bit like us I suppose, sometimes!
Anyhows, I am digressing. Yes, my e-mail about Battlestar Galactica was a particularly good one I thought. When I get passionate about something I don't let it rest. The words of praise seem to flow easily and thoughtfully. Maybe I should be passionate about more things then? Here's a taste of what I said:
Most of all what impresses me about this new series of Battlestar Galactica is that it dares to take the viewer on a dark journey sometimes. Just when I am settled and content with where the story is going and the fate of the characters, it suddenly takes an unsuspecting turn. It is bold, imaginative and original story-telling that is at the heart of BG and although some people may decry the fact that it's too bleak or gritty, that is for me exactly what makes it so compelling.
Like The West Wing and Six Feet Under, Battlestar Galactica has become a cult programme in my home. I've bought the series for each avidly on DVD and I know the shows intimately, almost too well at times. The reason is they all strike a chord, a connection with me on some emotional, spiritual or intellectual level. They mean something important and I've genuinely watched episodes of each of these shows and reflected on things they said which have related to or informed parts of my own life. That's why I am so passionate about them. The downside is that I probably bore people to death about these things!
Currently I am reading a biography of Richard Nixon. You may remember from a post some months back that I started reading a biography of Nixon before and dismissed it in disgust at its uneven approach to the man. This volume by Richard Reeves, I find much more incisive and evenly balanced. It doesn't shy from exploring the dark side of Nixon but it doesn't paint him either as the caricatured demon that has become so popular, because as I am reading (and personally believe) Nixon was a brilliant man, although deeply and fatally flawed.
At the end of the month I am going to see the play Frost/Nixon, which was something that I didn't get round to doing last year. The play has had good reviews and I am eager to see it before it disappears to Broadway at the beginning of February. The ticket was a bargain - at less than £15 from lastminute.com.
I am also looking forward to the London Symphony Orchestra's 2007/2008 season as the preview e-mail I received yesterday mentions that they will be performing the complete cycle of Mahler symphonies. While I doubt I will either have the time or money to see all of them, I've decided that there are a couple that I definitely don't want to miss. There is also a performance of Britten's opera Billy Budd included in the schedule. I've never been to an opera before but this could be the one to tempt me to give it a try. After all most things are worth doing once, aren't they?
I haven't said a lot recently because there hasn't been much that I've wanted to say. I did consider yesterday reposting an e-mail that I sent to my friends - the Groovy Gang - on Battlestar Galactica. The Groovy Gang? Where did that phrase come from? I believe it was Jamie who first coined it but the where, when and why are forgotten to me. I am sure if he's reading this he'll drop by and let me know. Over time 'The Groovy Gang' has become shorthand for my group of friends - a particular core of individuals who I've known for many years. Of course it equally applies to me and indeed all of 'us' - we are all part of the Groovy Gang. I think it's a great little title, it sounds trendy and fun, a bit like us I suppose, sometimes!
Anyhows, I am digressing. Yes, my e-mail about Battlestar Galactica was a particularly good one I thought. When I get passionate about something I don't let it rest. The words of praise seem to flow easily and thoughtfully. Maybe I should be passionate about more things then? Here's a taste of what I said:
Most of all what impresses me about this new series of Battlestar Galactica is that it dares to take the viewer on a dark journey sometimes. Just when I am settled and content with where the story is going and the fate of the characters, it suddenly takes an unsuspecting turn. It is bold, imaginative and original story-telling that is at the heart of BG and although some people may decry the fact that it's too bleak or gritty, that is for me exactly what makes it so compelling.
Like The West Wing and Six Feet Under, Battlestar Galactica has become a cult programme in my home. I've bought the series for each avidly on DVD and I know the shows intimately, almost too well at times. The reason is they all strike a chord, a connection with me on some emotional, spiritual or intellectual level. They mean something important and I've genuinely watched episodes of each of these shows and reflected on things they said which have related to or informed parts of my own life. That's why I am so passionate about them. The downside is that I probably bore people to death about these things!
Currently I am reading a biography of Richard Nixon. You may remember from a post some months back that I started reading a biography of Nixon before and dismissed it in disgust at its uneven approach to the man. This volume by Richard Reeves, I find much more incisive and evenly balanced. It doesn't shy from exploring the dark side of Nixon but it doesn't paint him either as the caricatured demon that has become so popular, because as I am reading (and personally believe) Nixon was a brilliant man, although deeply and fatally flawed.
At the end of the month I am going to see the play Frost/Nixon, which was something that I didn't get round to doing last year. The play has had good reviews and I am eager to see it before it disappears to Broadway at the beginning of February. The ticket was a bargain - at less than £15 from lastminute.com.
I am also looking forward to the London Symphony Orchestra's 2007/2008 season as the preview e-mail I received yesterday mentions that they will be performing the complete cycle of Mahler symphonies. While I doubt I will either have the time or money to see all of them, I've decided that there are a couple that I definitely don't want to miss. There is also a performance of Britten's opera Billy Budd included in the schedule. I've never been to an opera before but this could be the one to tempt me to give it a try. After all most things are worth doing once, aren't they?
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Discoveries
Its the start of a New Year so an opportunity to clear out the accumulated rubbish and unwanted tat that has been amassed over many months and years. When I am in the mood, I love doing this. Having a good rummage through the attic, cupboards and other places of stored and long forgotten memories and treasures. I've found quite a few things, some nice surprises and lots of nostalgia laced memories.
The best finds are the most personal ones naturally. For me this has been uncovering various fanzines that I either subscribed too or contributed to in the heady days of the mid-1990s before the Internet seemed to kill off just about any fanzines that were still going. The most precious ones to me are the Jedi fanzines of the British Star Wars Fan Club. The September 1996 edition includes my first piece of Star Wars storywriting that was published. Called 'The Hidden Jedi' it featured the secret daughter of Obi-wan, Alicia Kenobi - the hidden Jedi - and revisited what was in my mind the scene of Vader/Obi-wan's fateful duel. In my story the action takes place on a planet called Tarisha 5 and on the volcanic mountainside of Mount Tinmar. Of course, Episode III explains the real events of that fateful last duel but this was my personal interpretation of what happened before Lucas filled in the blanks for us. Reading it again now I am struck by some of the imagery I used. A brutal death for Alicia on the summit of the volcano that nearly claimed her father and Vader's remembrances of his wife (who I bizarrely called Claris) being strangled by a dark and malevolent hand. Not so different from the eventual fate that would be suffered by Amidala in Revenge of the Sith.
This issue of Jedi was also the one where Gary Tester took over the reins as Editor. Gary and I became good friends through our interest in Star Wars and worked together for a long time on both the successor to Jedi - a short-lived magazine called Eclipse - and later my own Star Wars fanzines, Tales of the Empire and Dark Jedi. Those were happy days and although we only met a few times, more often when Gary moved to Milton Keynes, I like to think that we were good friends.
I still think about Gary now and wonder what he is doing these days. Last I heard he had moved to America, married and settled down. That seems a long time ago now.
I never forget the people that have come into my life and although I am hopeless at keeping in touch with old friends, whether through wilful neglect or thoughtlessness, they're never forgotten. I always remember the good times with Gary and the fact that singularly of all the people I've known, he was the one person that seemed to be on the same wavelength as me. Its difficult to describe that really but it was like we thought the same way about stuff and viewed life with a similar outlook. I miss that opportunity to share those things now.
Another of my fond discoveries has been my collection of Zoids. Somewhere I have an almost complete set of the Spiderman & Zoids comics, which just to prove all things are inter-related somehow, even featured a Star Wars story for a few issues! Zoids were my passion after Star Wars - around 1985-1987 or thereabouts I guess. That would make me 9-11. After Zoids, came Action Force. I think Zoids though was the last thing that both my brother and I were both into in a big way. After Zoids, our interests diverged, particularly as we got older. Even with the Zoids though I liked the Red Zoids while my brother collected the Blue Zoids. There were some exceptions, like the Trooperzoid, which I thought was one of the better ones, although it was a Blue!
My favourite of the large battery operated Zoids has to be Zoidzilla or as he is called in Japan, Gojoulas, which is the version I have. It is virtually indistinguishable from the original Zoidzilla although some of the colouring is slightly different. The two Zoids that I had most wanted as a kid were probably Redhorn and Krark. Redhorn was the leader of the Red Zoid army and the nemesis of Zoidzilla. Krark was an altogether different creature, a winged pterodactyl type Zoid whose aim was to unite Red and Blue and form a formidable force that would then conquer the galaxy. He was definitely my favourite.
There are probably quite a few more discoveries yet to be made as I haven't as yet finished my sorting out. It'll be fascinating to see what other things remain to be discovered.
The best finds are the most personal ones naturally. For me this has been uncovering various fanzines that I either subscribed too or contributed to in the heady days of the mid-1990s before the Internet seemed to kill off just about any fanzines that were still going. The most precious ones to me are the Jedi fanzines of the British Star Wars Fan Club. The September 1996 edition includes my first piece of Star Wars storywriting that was published. Called 'The Hidden Jedi' it featured the secret daughter of Obi-wan, Alicia Kenobi - the hidden Jedi - and revisited what was in my mind the scene of Vader/Obi-wan's fateful duel. In my story the action takes place on a planet called Tarisha 5 and on the volcanic mountainside of Mount Tinmar. Of course, Episode III explains the real events of that fateful last duel but this was my personal interpretation of what happened before Lucas filled in the blanks for us. Reading it again now I am struck by some of the imagery I used. A brutal death for Alicia on the summit of the volcano that nearly claimed her father and Vader's remembrances of his wife (who I bizarrely called Claris) being strangled by a dark and malevolent hand. Not so different from the eventual fate that would be suffered by Amidala in Revenge of the Sith.
This issue of Jedi was also the one where Gary Tester took over the reins as Editor. Gary and I became good friends through our interest in Star Wars and worked together for a long time on both the successor to Jedi - a short-lived magazine called Eclipse - and later my own Star Wars fanzines, Tales of the Empire and Dark Jedi. Those were happy days and although we only met a few times, more often when Gary moved to Milton Keynes, I like to think that we were good friends.
I still think about Gary now and wonder what he is doing these days. Last I heard he had moved to America, married and settled down. That seems a long time ago now.
I never forget the people that have come into my life and although I am hopeless at keeping in touch with old friends, whether through wilful neglect or thoughtlessness, they're never forgotten. I always remember the good times with Gary and the fact that singularly of all the people I've known, he was the one person that seemed to be on the same wavelength as me. Its difficult to describe that really but it was like we thought the same way about stuff and viewed life with a similar outlook. I miss that opportunity to share those things now.
Another of my fond discoveries has been my collection of Zoids. Somewhere I have an almost complete set of the Spiderman & Zoids comics, which just to prove all things are inter-related somehow, even featured a Star Wars story for a few issues! Zoids were my passion after Star Wars - around 1985-1987 or thereabouts I guess. That would make me 9-11. After Zoids, came Action Force. I think Zoids though was the last thing that both my brother and I were both into in a big way. After Zoids, our interests diverged, particularly as we got older. Even with the Zoids though I liked the Red Zoids while my brother collected the Blue Zoids. There were some exceptions, like the Trooperzoid, which I thought was one of the better ones, although it was a Blue!
My favourite of the large battery operated Zoids has to be Zoidzilla or as he is called in Japan, Gojoulas, which is the version I have. It is virtually indistinguishable from the original Zoidzilla although some of the colouring is slightly different. The two Zoids that I had most wanted as a kid were probably Redhorn and Krark. Redhorn was the leader of the Red Zoid army and the nemesis of Zoidzilla. Krark was an altogether different creature, a winged pterodactyl type Zoid whose aim was to unite Red and Blue and form a formidable force that would then conquer the galaxy. He was definitely my favourite.
There are probably quite a few more discoveries yet to be made as I haven't as yet finished my sorting out. It'll be fascinating to see what other things remain to be discovered.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Post Christmas blues
I hate this time of year with an unquenchable vehemence. I always have. Its a strange limbo between Christmas and New Year, the old year lingers for too long and the New Year sounds so exciting until it arrives. Ultimately it disappoints. This is a nothing time. Although I am back at work, it doesn't feel like work. There is only a few people in, there is just a feeling of working for the sake of doing so, going through the motions to tidy the last few things up before year's end. Outside it will be busy. I've avoided the shops not wanting to venture into the maelstrom of the sales. I don't understand the frenzy that seems to enter people at this time of year. I really hate the crowds, I despair of the fact that the shops always seem so hot and claustrophobic and I refuse to be drawn into this idea that doing the sales is a must.
New Year always seems to be over-hyped, just another meaningless excuse for people to get drunk, be stupid, to bring out all the worst in their character. Only yesterday on the bus home I listened to a young girl talking loudly to her friend about how she was looking forward to New Year because she could get drunk. What kind of ambition or desire is that? How hollow and empty have we become that drink and the thought of losing all sense and control of ourselves is the only way we can really feel anymore? Is that what it takes to feel anything these days? What self-loathing must embrace the young these days? I've never wanted to be drunk; I've never liked drinking to excess. I don't enjoy losing control.
I am going to friends in Southend this weekend for New Year, which I am sure will lift my spirits. There have been New Years I have spent on my own, when I haven't even bothered to stay up to welcome in the new year. They've been miserable times because the expectation is that we must be happy at this time of year but I don't. I never do. I don't get excited about a change in the date on the calendar. One year is pretty much like the last or the next. Sometimes, I have good years other times, I have bad years. There are ups and downs, occasionally it feels like there is no end to the rain, other times it is happy and joyful. Whatever, it really doesn't matter in the context of whether that happened in 1996 or 2003. What is more important is what I will do tomorrow and the day after that. And the now. This moment, how I live for now. This is what I need to focus on.
New Year always seems to be over-hyped, just another meaningless excuse for people to get drunk, be stupid, to bring out all the worst in their character. Only yesterday on the bus home I listened to a young girl talking loudly to her friend about how she was looking forward to New Year because she could get drunk. What kind of ambition or desire is that? How hollow and empty have we become that drink and the thought of losing all sense and control of ourselves is the only way we can really feel anymore? Is that what it takes to feel anything these days? What self-loathing must embrace the young these days? I've never wanted to be drunk; I've never liked drinking to excess. I don't enjoy losing control.
I am going to friends in Southend this weekend for New Year, which I am sure will lift my spirits. There have been New Years I have spent on my own, when I haven't even bothered to stay up to welcome in the new year. They've been miserable times because the expectation is that we must be happy at this time of year but I don't. I never do. I don't get excited about a change in the date on the calendar. One year is pretty much like the last or the next. Sometimes, I have good years other times, I have bad years. There are ups and downs, occasionally it feels like there is no end to the rain, other times it is happy and joyful. Whatever, it really doesn't matter in the context of whether that happened in 1996 or 2003. What is more important is what I will do tomorrow and the day after that. And the now. This moment, how I live for now. This is what I need to focus on.
Friday, December 22, 2006
So Christmas is here...
It doesn't feel like it, not to me. Its been such a hellish week at work that I just don't feel any goodwill to anybody at the moment. The last two months or so seem to have been relentless. Not just long hours at work but everything else as well. Not that anything particularly bad or serious has happened; just the mounting pressure of the everyday being squeezed out by long hours at the office.
I think its also the weight of expectation that comes with this time of year that is partly responsible. Not that I try to let that affect me or get me down. I like Christmas but not to the extent that I obsess or even get excited about it anymore. For me, its a few days holiday when I can be with my family and enjoy their company with good food, drink and the usual old dross on the TV! Its simple and predictable for the most part and I like that.
I've deliberately avoided the shops for the past week. I take no pleasure in fighting my way through the heaving crowds desperate in their search for that last minute present. And I certainly don't appreciate all the unnecessary pressure that seems each year to become more and more attached with the run up to Christmas. It borders almost on the hysterical this desire to get everything done and finished by Christmas. Why? There will be another 365 days next year so what is the panic? In the job I do people seem to endlessly create artificial deadlines, which appear to serve no purpose other than to put everyone else under pressure to achieve them.
Frankly I am feeling exhausted and jaded by it all. The pleasure has been all but sucked out of it and I am beginning to think I'll be glad when Christmas is over.
I think its also the weight of expectation that comes with this time of year that is partly responsible. Not that I try to let that affect me or get me down. I like Christmas but not to the extent that I obsess or even get excited about it anymore. For me, its a few days holiday when I can be with my family and enjoy their company with good food, drink and the usual old dross on the TV! Its simple and predictable for the most part and I like that.
I've deliberately avoided the shops for the past week. I take no pleasure in fighting my way through the heaving crowds desperate in their search for that last minute present. And I certainly don't appreciate all the unnecessary pressure that seems each year to become more and more attached with the run up to Christmas. It borders almost on the hysterical this desire to get everything done and finished by Christmas. Why? There will be another 365 days next year so what is the panic? In the job I do people seem to endlessly create artificial deadlines, which appear to serve no purpose other than to put everyone else under pressure to achieve them.
Frankly I am feeling exhausted and jaded by it all. The pleasure has been all but sucked out of it and I am beginning to think I'll be glad when Christmas is over.
Monday, December 18, 2006
The best of everything 2006
As part of my look back on the year gone by I wanted to share 10 of the best moments, events, memories etc of 2006 for me personally. So here goes with my 10 best of everything 2006:
1/. Best Film
Unquestionably Brokeback Mountain. Why? For so many reasons, many of which I have bored people to death with over the last 12 months! Personally, it is a triumph of film-making, a beautifully crafted and told story and a film that tackles some very difficult and challenging issues in a refreshing and open way without being judgemental.
2/. Best Album
Again this is an easy choice. It has to be MeatLoaf's Bat out of Hell III: The Monster is Loose. Just one fab song after another. Okay, so its over the top and sometimes a little camp but you just can't beat these songs for emotional power. This for me was MeatLoaf's most heartfelt album since Welcome to the Neighbourhood. Every song is a favourite and for me at least, an instant MeatLoaf classic.
3/. Best Song
I am indulging myself now! You know its going to be a MeatLoaf song... I was going to say The Future Ain't What it Used to Be (The endless night has got a hold of me, dark days are pulling me forward) or Seize the Night (So open up your arms and then get down on your knees. You're sucking on the darkness and you're ready to seize. Seize the night). But the one that really got me is What About Love, with the fabulous lyric, Once in a lifetime you'll find someone heaven sent for you. For a lifetime you'll feel there's a reason to believe in a love that's meant to be. I hope so.
4/. Best New Discovery
Thanks to Tim for this one and introducing me to Magners cider :-) I have to admit that I had long ago gone off cider finding most of them either too sweet or too dry. Magners though is the perfect balance and a drink that was designed for cool refreshment on a beautiful summer's day. Magic!
5/. Best Cultural Event
It had to be the BBC Proms. The first time I went was this year and I enjoyed two fab concerts. My favourite (and it is a close run thing) was the first on 24 August featuring Samuel Barber's First Essay for Orchestra and Mahler's stunning Fifth Symphony.
6/. Best Week
This is an easy choice, it was the week of 30 April to 6 May. Armed with a Heart of England rail rover I indulged my passion for rails and visiting new places in one. My travels during the week took me all over the Midlands and Central England to places as diverse as Crewe, Lichfield, Birmingham, Gloucester, Worcester, Shrewsbury. Warwick and Royal Leamington Spa. I am convinced that it was the finest week of weather all year and I have the photos to prove it! There was wall to wall sunshine each day and beautiful clear blue skies.
7/. Best Place
I've mentioned it already - Gloucester. Some mildly interesting facts about the place: it has the longest railway platform in Britain and is the most inland port in the UK. Gloucester Docks are a fascinating place to visit and clearly have much promise once all the development of new leisure facilities are finished. The Cathedral is one of the finest I've visited in a long while and the town itself is attractive and steeped in history, which dates back to the Romans.
8/. Best TV
This is a difficult one mainly because there has been so little in the way of 'good' TV this year. One of my highlights has been the second season of Battlestar Galactica, which I am revisiting again on DVD. There have been a couple of one-off programmes which have really impressed such as Stephen Fry's personal and painful exploration of manic depression and a fantastic if often unbearable documentary, Rain in my Heart, about alcoholism and its terrible consequences.
9/. Best Memory
It has to be Tim & Sharon's wedding in October. A wonderful day, a great weekend full of happiness and joy.
10/. Best of all 2006?
I made it to 30! I end the year in a new job and I've achieved and done many other things that I wanted to do during the last twelve months. The one thing that has made 2006 special has been my friends without whom I would not be able to look back on so many of the best and happiest times of the last 12 months.
1/. Best Film
Unquestionably Brokeback Mountain. Why? For so many reasons, many of which I have bored people to death with over the last 12 months! Personally, it is a triumph of film-making, a beautifully crafted and told story and a film that tackles some very difficult and challenging issues in a refreshing and open way without being judgemental.
2/. Best Album
Again this is an easy choice. It has to be MeatLoaf's Bat out of Hell III: The Monster is Loose. Just one fab song after another. Okay, so its over the top and sometimes a little camp but you just can't beat these songs for emotional power. This for me was MeatLoaf's most heartfelt album since Welcome to the Neighbourhood. Every song is a favourite and for me at least, an instant MeatLoaf classic.
3/. Best Song
I am indulging myself now! You know its going to be a MeatLoaf song... I was going to say The Future Ain't What it Used to Be (The endless night has got a hold of me, dark days are pulling me forward) or Seize the Night (So open up your arms and then get down on your knees. You're sucking on the darkness and you're ready to seize. Seize the night). But the one that really got me is What About Love, with the fabulous lyric, Once in a lifetime you'll find someone heaven sent for you. For a lifetime you'll feel there's a reason to believe in a love that's meant to be. I hope so.
4/. Best New Discovery
Thanks to Tim for this one and introducing me to Magners cider :-) I have to admit that I had long ago gone off cider finding most of them either too sweet or too dry. Magners though is the perfect balance and a drink that was designed for cool refreshment on a beautiful summer's day. Magic!
5/. Best Cultural Event
It had to be the BBC Proms. The first time I went was this year and I enjoyed two fab concerts. My favourite (and it is a close run thing) was the first on 24 August featuring Samuel Barber's First Essay for Orchestra and Mahler's stunning Fifth Symphony.
6/. Best Week
This is an easy choice, it was the week of 30 April to 6 May. Armed with a Heart of England rail rover I indulged my passion for rails and visiting new places in one. My travels during the week took me all over the Midlands and Central England to places as diverse as Crewe, Lichfield, Birmingham, Gloucester, Worcester, Shrewsbury. Warwick and Royal Leamington Spa. I am convinced that it was the finest week of weather all year and I have the photos to prove it! There was wall to wall sunshine each day and beautiful clear blue skies.
7/. Best Place
I've mentioned it already - Gloucester. Some mildly interesting facts about the place: it has the longest railway platform in Britain and is the most inland port in the UK. Gloucester Docks are a fascinating place to visit and clearly have much promise once all the development of new leisure facilities are finished. The Cathedral is one of the finest I've visited in a long while and the town itself is attractive and steeped in history, which dates back to the Romans.
8/. Best TV
This is a difficult one mainly because there has been so little in the way of 'good' TV this year. One of my highlights has been the second season of Battlestar Galactica, which I am revisiting again on DVD. There have been a couple of one-off programmes which have really impressed such as Stephen Fry's personal and painful exploration of manic depression and a fantastic if often unbearable documentary, Rain in my Heart, about alcoholism and its terrible consequences.
9/. Best Memory
It has to be Tim & Sharon's wedding in October. A wonderful day, a great weekend full of happiness and joy.
10/. Best of all 2006?
I made it to 30! I end the year in a new job and I've achieved and done many other things that I wanted to do during the last twelve months. The one thing that has made 2006 special has been my friends without whom I would not be able to look back on so many of the best and happiest times of the last 12 months.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
The Christmas card dilemma
I am sure most people when they write their Christmas cards do so just selecting the cards at random or working methodically through the box. If only I found it so easy. For me, writing Christmas cards has become a major moral dilemma! Often I will agonise over my choice of cards - does it look appropriate? Is the message the right tone? Will it offend the person I am sending it too or give the wrong message?
Aaargh!
I despair of myself sometimes! Then there is the fact that some people at work don't like receiving Christmas cards but it seems unfair to give cards to some people and not others. Then does everyone celebrate Christmas and will they be offended if I give them a card?
Of course the choice of card also brings another whole raft of questions. Some cards are definitely nicer and more expensive than others. If I send a cheaper card to someone who I don't like much or don't know that well, is it rude or just disrespectful?
Finally, there's what to write inside. Do I just go with the person's name and mine and leave the rest to be said by the printed message or do I add my own words? What do I say if I do? As a rule I will never sign a card with 'Love' or any similarly affectionate sign-offs. It just seems so inappropriate for a man to say that in a card yet for a woman the word can be used almost at free will without it ever meaning anything than something genuinely innocent and generous. Why is that? Not that I would want to write 'Love, Mark' in cards to my male friends!
So you can see my dilemma?
Maybe next year I should not bother sending any cards at all and save myself the stress and worry, lol.
Aaargh!
I despair of myself sometimes! Then there is the fact that some people at work don't like receiving Christmas cards but it seems unfair to give cards to some people and not others. Then does everyone celebrate Christmas and will they be offended if I give them a card?
Of course the choice of card also brings another whole raft of questions. Some cards are definitely nicer and more expensive than others. If I send a cheaper card to someone who I don't like much or don't know that well, is it rude or just disrespectful?
Finally, there's what to write inside. Do I just go with the person's name and mine and leave the rest to be said by the printed message or do I add my own words? What do I say if I do? As a rule I will never sign a card with 'Love' or any similarly affectionate sign-offs. It just seems so inappropriate for a man to say that in a card yet for a woman the word can be used almost at free will without it ever meaning anything than something genuinely innocent and generous. Why is that? Not that I would want to write 'Love, Mark' in cards to my male friends!
So you can see my dilemma?
Maybe next year I should not bother sending any cards at all and save myself the stress and worry, lol.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Review of 2006 Part 1 - January to March
I started the New Year in Romford, Essex, where I had seen the end of 2005 and welcomed the promise of 2006 with friends. This was the year when I would be 30 and not long into 2006 I was experiencing what in retrospect, was a crisis of sorts. Mainly wondering what had I achieved with my life to date and not really knowing where I was going and seemingly stuck in a rut. January for me is the cruellest month anyway with its short days and long nights, hardly helping to alleviate the general sense of malaise I felt at the beginning of 2006.
The year didn’t start too brightly with an appointment at the hospital on the 3rd for an ECG, which I had put off from October 2005. When I say put off, what I really mean is that I ‘conveniently’ forgot the date of the original appointment and by the time a new one had been arranged, it was January. I am not sure what I was so worried about – the ECG itself is quick and painless although the results did show a slight heart abnormality. Nothing serious although it still worries me from time to time.
The first weekend of 2006 found me in Essex again, this time with friends in Southend. This was just the boost I needed, getting to see my friends and having a laugh.
Normally the start of the year isn’t a great time for films and it’s rare that I get to the cinema, unless it’s to see a pre-Christmas release that I haven’t seen over the Christmas/New Year holiday. However, the film I did see at the end of January had an unexpectedly powerful and long-lasting effect on me. Brokeback Mountain was a film that I’d read very little about, I am not even sure why I went to see it. On the face of it, this is not my sort of film at all! Quite unexpectedly it was a film that connected with me at the time and I was drawn into the characters of Ennis del Mar and Jack Twist and their tortured and ultimately doomed love affair. I think perhaps more than anything I was drawn to the despondency and resignation of Ennis, which at the time so mirrored my own feelings. I empathised with Ennis’ struggle to discover meaning and purpose to his life and moreover his struggle to find himself. I saw Brokeback Mountain at the cinema three times and each time I found something different in the story and each time it felt more raw and powerful. Rarely, if ever before, has a film got me like that.
The end of January saw me off on one my three bargain (and fairly epic) train journeys around the UK. This was courtesy of The Daily Mail, who were running a token-collect promotion, to get cheap tickets with a number of train companies. My first trip took me to Cardiff and my first proper visit to Wales. I can tentatively claim an earlier trip into Wales on a train from Chester to Wolverhampton (in 2004 I think) which briefly crossed the border, stopping at Wrexham General. Cardiff was impressive and I very much liked the city, making visits to Cardiff Castle and the National Museum & Gallery. I was surprised at how compact the city centre was although I didn’t have enough time to explore and do everything I wanted. As a taster of Wales it was very positive and encourages me to go back again and venture a bit further next time. Still MK to Cardiff and back in a day is quite far enough!
February was a busy month for going to the cinema. Not only did I see Brokeback Mountain twice more, I also saw The New World and Munich. The former was very much under-rated and seemed to only be on at the local Cineworld for about a week before it disappeared. I liked its style of broken narrative, long, wistful shots of nature and just moments of breathing in the beauty and wonder of the flora and fauna. James Horner’s score added to the feeling that this was a long dream-sequence, a sort of very pleasant high for a couple of hours! Munich by contrast was a much darker piece and I admit that I found at times, it very difficult to watch. I am particularly squeamish when it comes to violence and the film’s tense direction, added to my unease.
Another of my aforementioned epic day trips took me to Plymouth a couple of days before my birthday. I remember the trip there quite vividly as I was hung over and feeling rather sorry for myself from the night before, when we’d gone to the pub after work, ostensibly to celebrate my 30th. What was only going to be a couple of drinks took me many pints later to closing time! However, a pasty (which was my breakfast) at Paddington did the trick, no doubt soaking up all that excess alcohol and giving me a much needed perk to get through the day!
The train journey to Plymouth is my favourite, especially once into Devon and speeding along the sea wall between Teignmouth and Dawlish before the line turns inland, skirting the edge of Dartmoor, which that morning had a fine dusting of snow. Plymouth itself is one of my favourite cities; it has similarities to my home town of Portsmouth and my current home of Milton Keynes. Like Portsmouth, Plymouth is a naval city and its heritage is steeped in the sea. Surely everyone knows the famous story of Drake finishing a game of bowls on the Hoe as the Spanish Armada approached? Plymouth’s similarity to Milton Keynes can be seen in the design of the city centre, with its wide boulevard’s and regular, angular shaped buildings. The centre of Plymouth (like Portsmouth) was extensively damaged in World War II but unlike Portsmouth, they made a rather better job of the post-war rebuilding work or at least I think so. In consequence, Plymouth is a fine modern city with much to offer, even a day-tripper like me. It is a place that has many happy memories as we had a couple of enjoyable family holidays there when I was still living with my parents. Its one of those places that whenever I visit, I have this feeling of having come ‘home.’
March was a busy month – saw two films at the pictures – Good Night and Good Luck and V for Vendetta. The latter was not a happy day. I met with Joe after work on the Saturday for the trip to Birmingham to see the film at the Electric Cinema, a fine establishment and the oldest cinema in Britain apparently. Unfortunately I wasn’t feeling well and as soon as the film finished I made my excuses to Joe and Derek and headed home. I remember that Saturday being a particularly cold one with a chilling wind. Not untypical weather for Birmingham, which always seems to be cold and windy whenever I am there! I spent most of the next day and the following week in bed with about the worst dose of flu I can ever remember.
The weekend before I had been home to Portsmouth and on the Sunday made the journey down to Devon (again!), this time to Honiton for the Exe-Wing Fundraisers Star Wars Day. This was the third (if I recall correctly) one of these events I had attended.
The end of March was time for my third and final journey with a Daily Mail bargain rail ticket, this time to York. I love York, not least because it is home to the National Railway Museum, an irresistible treat for a train buff like me! York, like Plymouth is somewhere I have spent many happy hours and a couple of short breaks and a place that I like to return too at least once every other year. I would go more often but the travelling and cost are normally prohibitive.
So that brings me to the end of my look back at the first three months of 2006…
The year didn’t start too brightly with an appointment at the hospital on the 3rd for an ECG, which I had put off from October 2005. When I say put off, what I really mean is that I ‘conveniently’ forgot the date of the original appointment and by the time a new one had been arranged, it was January. I am not sure what I was so worried about – the ECG itself is quick and painless although the results did show a slight heart abnormality. Nothing serious although it still worries me from time to time.
The first weekend of 2006 found me in Essex again, this time with friends in Southend. This was just the boost I needed, getting to see my friends and having a laugh.
Normally the start of the year isn’t a great time for films and it’s rare that I get to the cinema, unless it’s to see a pre-Christmas release that I haven’t seen over the Christmas/New Year holiday. However, the film I did see at the end of January had an unexpectedly powerful and long-lasting effect on me. Brokeback Mountain was a film that I’d read very little about, I am not even sure why I went to see it. On the face of it, this is not my sort of film at all! Quite unexpectedly it was a film that connected with me at the time and I was drawn into the characters of Ennis del Mar and Jack Twist and their tortured and ultimately doomed love affair. I think perhaps more than anything I was drawn to the despondency and resignation of Ennis, which at the time so mirrored my own feelings. I empathised with Ennis’ struggle to discover meaning and purpose to his life and moreover his struggle to find himself. I saw Brokeback Mountain at the cinema three times and each time I found something different in the story and each time it felt more raw and powerful. Rarely, if ever before, has a film got me like that.
The end of January saw me off on one my three bargain (and fairly epic) train journeys around the UK. This was courtesy of The Daily Mail, who were running a token-collect promotion, to get cheap tickets with a number of train companies. My first trip took me to Cardiff and my first proper visit to Wales. I can tentatively claim an earlier trip into Wales on a train from Chester to Wolverhampton (in 2004 I think) which briefly crossed the border, stopping at Wrexham General. Cardiff was impressive and I very much liked the city, making visits to Cardiff Castle and the National Museum & Gallery. I was surprised at how compact the city centre was although I didn’t have enough time to explore and do everything I wanted. As a taster of Wales it was very positive and encourages me to go back again and venture a bit further next time. Still MK to Cardiff and back in a day is quite far enough!
February was a busy month for going to the cinema. Not only did I see Brokeback Mountain twice more, I also saw The New World and Munich. The former was very much under-rated and seemed to only be on at the local Cineworld for about a week before it disappeared. I liked its style of broken narrative, long, wistful shots of nature and just moments of breathing in the beauty and wonder of the flora and fauna. James Horner’s score added to the feeling that this was a long dream-sequence, a sort of very pleasant high for a couple of hours! Munich by contrast was a much darker piece and I admit that I found at times, it very difficult to watch. I am particularly squeamish when it comes to violence and the film’s tense direction, added to my unease.
Another of my aforementioned epic day trips took me to Plymouth a couple of days before my birthday. I remember the trip there quite vividly as I was hung over and feeling rather sorry for myself from the night before, when we’d gone to the pub after work, ostensibly to celebrate my 30th. What was only going to be a couple of drinks took me many pints later to closing time! However, a pasty (which was my breakfast) at Paddington did the trick, no doubt soaking up all that excess alcohol and giving me a much needed perk to get through the day!
The train journey to Plymouth is my favourite, especially once into Devon and speeding along the sea wall between Teignmouth and Dawlish before the line turns inland, skirting the edge of Dartmoor, which that morning had a fine dusting of snow. Plymouth itself is one of my favourite cities; it has similarities to my home town of Portsmouth and my current home of Milton Keynes. Like Portsmouth, Plymouth is a naval city and its heritage is steeped in the sea. Surely everyone knows the famous story of Drake finishing a game of bowls on the Hoe as the Spanish Armada approached? Plymouth’s similarity to Milton Keynes can be seen in the design of the city centre, with its wide boulevard’s and regular, angular shaped buildings. The centre of Plymouth (like Portsmouth) was extensively damaged in World War II but unlike Portsmouth, they made a rather better job of the post-war rebuilding work or at least I think so. In consequence, Plymouth is a fine modern city with much to offer, even a day-tripper like me. It is a place that has many happy memories as we had a couple of enjoyable family holidays there when I was still living with my parents. Its one of those places that whenever I visit, I have this feeling of having come ‘home.’
March was a busy month – saw two films at the pictures – Good Night and Good Luck and V for Vendetta. The latter was not a happy day. I met with Joe after work on the Saturday for the trip to Birmingham to see the film at the Electric Cinema, a fine establishment and the oldest cinema in Britain apparently. Unfortunately I wasn’t feeling well and as soon as the film finished I made my excuses to Joe and Derek and headed home. I remember that Saturday being a particularly cold one with a chilling wind. Not untypical weather for Birmingham, which always seems to be cold and windy whenever I am there! I spent most of the next day and the following week in bed with about the worst dose of flu I can ever remember.
The weekend before I had been home to Portsmouth and on the Sunday made the journey down to Devon (again!), this time to Honiton for the Exe-Wing Fundraisers Star Wars Day. This was the third (if I recall correctly) one of these events I had attended.
The end of March was time for my third and final journey with a Daily Mail bargain rail ticket, this time to York. I love York, not least because it is home to the National Railway Museum, an irresistible treat for a train buff like me! York, like Plymouth is somewhere I have spent many happy hours and a couple of short breaks and a place that I like to return too at least once every other year. I would go more often but the travelling and cost are normally prohibitive.
So that brings me to the end of my look back at the first three months of 2006…
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
More wonderful music
Today we had a share out of our syndicate's lottery winnings for the year. Not much - just £35 each! However, I decided to treat myself at lunchtime. I looked through the DVD's - tempted by the reduced price Six Feet Under and West Wing DVD's but still think these will come down even more after Christmas. Even considered buying Superman Returns on DVD but I have mixed feelings about that film. So took myself off to the classical music section of Virgin.
Now here 's something I'll never understand. Why is it that the classical music section in Virgin is always partitioned off from the rest of the store? The one in MK, even has its own tills! Is it to keep the rabble out and allow the 'well-to-do' to browse for their higher class of music uninterrupted or is it an admission of some embarrassment? It seems that classical music should be tucked away and not talked about like a particularly personal medical condition.
Absolute nonsense in my view. Classical music is as egalitarian as current popular music. Okay, I am not suggesting that everyone will like or want to buy classical music, any more than I'll be rushing out anytime soon to buy the latest jazz or rap album. The point is though, it is just another valid and enriching choice in the broad spectrum of musical tastes. It doesn't need to be tucked away and hidden behind a glass screen. I think there is something almost intimidating about the fact that you are clearly walking into a demarcated - a different- part of the store.
Anyhows, I purchased three stunning bargains, which I have no shame in rambling on about now. I love classical music! Then, I also love lots of other types of music and I was thinking about this as I was making my way out of the store, singing along (in my head I hasten to add!) to Madonna and later in my local shop, Abba. In fact I think my musical tastes are quite eclectic. Lets see now...in my CD racks are albums and singles from artists as diverse as Annie Lennox, MeatLoaf, Coolio, Abba, Bee Gees, Lionel Richie, David Gray, Nina Simone, Diana Ross, Genesis, Celine Dion and I could go on but probably shouldn't! Then the non-popular stuff like my host of soundtracks from the likes of John Williams, James Horner, Hans Zimmer, Alan Silvestri, Jerry Goldsmith etc, my classical music albums, military band music, music and songs from shows, TV themes, then the really obscure stuff like Vangelis, the BBC Olympic Theme for the Atlanta Games (Tara's Theme), The X-Files Theme single and more. So yeah, a fairly broad and some might say unusual mix there! Isn't it good though to like more than one type or style of music? I like the fact that I can pick music to match my mood and feeling.
Back to today then and I managed to get myself some great additions to my classical music collection. The first CD is Spartacus by Aram Khatchaturian. This features the fantastic Adagio of Spartacus and Phyrgia from the ballet suite, Spartacus. That particular piece is probably most familiar as the theme to the Onedin Line. The CD also includes the suties to Masquerade and Gayaneh. This is my first purchase of Khatchaturian so I am looking forward to sitting down and listening to this.
I could hardly resist adding to my collection of Mahler's symphonies so had to grab this one at a cheap price: Symphony No 9 - conducted by Sir John Barbirolli with the Berliner Philharmoniker. This is an EMI Recording of the Century dating from 1964. Before I got as interested in classical music as I am now, I thought people were being elitist when they priveliged certain recordings over others. While, I don't have an expert ear, you can tell the difference in the quality of a piece between recordings and also the tempo with which it is played is often different. Again I am looking forward to hearing this as I am a particular fan of Mahler and this was his penultimate symphony. At the time of writing he was just a few short years from his untimely death at the age of 51.
Finally, some unashamedly British music in the form of William Walton, who like Vaughan Williams, is amongst my favourites of recent contemporary British composers. This is another EMI CD opening with the rousing Spitfire Prelude and Fugue, an eternal favourite of mine and so heroically British. Also on this disc are two of my favourite marches - Crown Imperial and Orb & Sceptre, written as marches for the 1937 and 1953 coronation's respectively. There are a selection of other overtures and some of Walton's film music for Hamlet and Richard III. This is another surprisingly old recording, dating back to 1969 but the quality is excellent and fresh.
Now here 's something I'll never understand. Why is it that the classical music section in Virgin is always partitioned off from the rest of the store? The one in MK, even has its own tills! Is it to keep the rabble out and allow the 'well-to-do' to browse for their higher class of music uninterrupted or is it an admission of some embarrassment? It seems that classical music should be tucked away and not talked about like a particularly personal medical condition.
Absolute nonsense in my view. Classical music is as egalitarian as current popular music. Okay, I am not suggesting that everyone will like or want to buy classical music, any more than I'll be rushing out anytime soon to buy the latest jazz or rap album. The point is though, it is just another valid and enriching choice in the broad spectrum of musical tastes. It doesn't need to be tucked away and hidden behind a glass screen. I think there is something almost intimidating about the fact that you are clearly walking into a demarcated - a different- part of the store.
Anyhows, I purchased three stunning bargains, which I have no shame in rambling on about now. I love classical music! Then, I also love lots of other types of music and I was thinking about this as I was making my way out of the store, singing along (in my head I hasten to add!) to Madonna and later in my local shop, Abba. In fact I think my musical tastes are quite eclectic. Lets see now...in my CD racks are albums and singles from artists as diverse as Annie Lennox, MeatLoaf, Coolio, Abba, Bee Gees, Lionel Richie, David Gray, Nina Simone, Diana Ross, Genesis, Celine Dion and I could go on but probably shouldn't! Then the non-popular stuff like my host of soundtracks from the likes of John Williams, James Horner, Hans Zimmer, Alan Silvestri, Jerry Goldsmith etc, my classical music albums, military band music, music and songs from shows, TV themes, then the really obscure stuff like Vangelis, the BBC Olympic Theme for the Atlanta Games (Tara's Theme), The X-Files Theme single and more. So yeah, a fairly broad and some might say unusual mix there! Isn't it good though to like more than one type or style of music? I like the fact that I can pick music to match my mood and feeling.
Back to today then and I managed to get myself some great additions to my classical music collection. The first CD is Spartacus by Aram Khatchaturian. This features the fantastic Adagio of Spartacus and Phyrgia from the ballet suite, Spartacus. That particular piece is probably most familiar as the theme to the Onedin Line. The CD also includes the suties to Masquerade and Gayaneh. This is my first purchase of Khatchaturian so I am looking forward to sitting down and listening to this.
I could hardly resist adding to my collection of Mahler's symphonies so had to grab this one at a cheap price: Symphony No 9 - conducted by Sir John Barbirolli with the Berliner Philharmoniker. This is an EMI Recording of the Century dating from 1964. Before I got as interested in classical music as I am now, I thought people were being elitist when they priveliged certain recordings over others. While, I don't have an expert ear, you can tell the difference in the quality of a piece between recordings and also the tempo with which it is played is often different. Again I am looking forward to hearing this as I am a particular fan of Mahler and this was his penultimate symphony. At the time of writing he was just a few short years from his untimely death at the age of 51.
Finally, some unashamedly British music in the form of William Walton, who like Vaughan Williams, is amongst my favourites of recent contemporary British composers. This is another EMI CD opening with the rousing Spitfire Prelude and Fugue, an eternal favourite of mine and so heroically British. Also on this disc are two of my favourite marches - Crown Imperial and Orb & Sceptre, written as marches for the 1937 and 1953 coronation's respectively. There are a selection of other overtures and some of Walton's film music for Hamlet and Richard III. This is another surprisingly old recording, dating back to 1969 but the quality is excellent and fresh.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Does multicultralism work?
Earlier today I made a rather bold and frankly flippant remark that I didn't feel multiculturalism has worked in Britain. When I was being challenged on this, I found myself becoming quite defensive and a little concerned about some of my comments because there seems to me, at least, to be very little real debate on this issue. All too often, the issue of multiculturalism is tainted with the completely unrelated view that to pose a challenge, is being racist. I fundamentally disagree with that view however I feel that my comments were being measured and because I don't believe in the principle of multiculturalism, that I am perceived as racist.
It is quite interesting looking at different nations and comparing their societies with ours. I am particularly fascinated by America in this respect, which arguably is the most diverse nation on the planet, yet it emphatically does not embrace multiculturalism. American society and values are very much White Anglo-Saxon Protestant (WASP) in nature, even though there are significant minorities for example of Latin Americans and Jews. The American cultural model for many years was one of assimilation. Other cultural identities were absorbed into the prevailing WASP culture, thereby preserving perhaps the homogenity and integrity of national identity. There has in more recent years been a move against assimilation and the emergence of hyphenated identities such as Italian-Americans, Jewish-Americans and Japanese-Americans, for example. These hyphenated identities then promote further questions about where the loyalty of these individuals rests. For example in the case of Jews, is their allegience to Israel first and America second? For the Japanese-Americans, questions of their loyalty were starkly addressed in WWII, when tens of thousands of legitimate Americans of Japanese origin, were detained at what were effectively concentration camps for the duration of the war. Also the more important issue and one which I think equally pertains to Britain, is that if you accept multiculturalism and allow other cultures to assert their values and individual identities, where does the core of national identity come from?
I firmly believe that our society is enriched by people from diverse cultures, ethnicities and religions. Together they provide a vibrant and inclusive society but there is a risk, I feel that multiculturalism has gone too far. That in effect, our sense of national identity has become too diluted or somehow lost in the noble aim of making society welcoming and equal to all. It is perhaps an unresolvable problem - how do you embrace diversity while retaining unity? Can you have both? Should everyone be equal because quite fundamentally we are not all equal - for example we are not all of equal intelligence.
My own view is that multiculturalism damages both our national identity and does not do justice either to maintaining that diverse and vibrant society that I feel is so important. Rather it creates differentiated identities, people who do not necessarily see themselves primarily as British. Being British doesn't mean that you surrender your own culture, language or religion. You can still have those things but I feel it is important that people should identify themselves firstly and primarily as British. More importantly they should feel proud of that shared identity and want to be part of a rich, diverse and inclusive society where they feel they belong. I think all to often multiculturalism and the differentiated identities it creates, leaves groups cut off from the prevailing culture and unable to integrate. This of course is not a one way street; to my mind it is an inherent responsibility of all of us, as members of the host society to help others integrate, share and enjoy our culture.
It is quite interesting looking at different nations and comparing their societies with ours. I am particularly fascinated by America in this respect, which arguably is the most diverse nation on the planet, yet it emphatically does not embrace multiculturalism. American society and values are very much White Anglo-Saxon Protestant (WASP) in nature, even though there are significant minorities for example of Latin Americans and Jews. The American cultural model for many years was one of assimilation. Other cultural identities were absorbed into the prevailing WASP culture, thereby preserving perhaps the homogenity and integrity of national identity. There has in more recent years been a move against assimilation and the emergence of hyphenated identities such as Italian-Americans, Jewish-Americans and Japanese-Americans, for example. These hyphenated identities then promote further questions about where the loyalty of these individuals rests. For example in the case of Jews, is their allegience to Israel first and America second? For the Japanese-Americans, questions of their loyalty were starkly addressed in WWII, when tens of thousands of legitimate Americans of Japanese origin, were detained at what were effectively concentration camps for the duration of the war. Also the more important issue and one which I think equally pertains to Britain, is that if you accept multiculturalism and allow other cultures to assert their values and individual identities, where does the core of national identity come from?
I firmly believe that our society is enriched by people from diverse cultures, ethnicities and religions. Together they provide a vibrant and inclusive society but there is a risk, I feel that multiculturalism has gone too far. That in effect, our sense of national identity has become too diluted or somehow lost in the noble aim of making society welcoming and equal to all. It is perhaps an unresolvable problem - how do you embrace diversity while retaining unity? Can you have both? Should everyone be equal because quite fundamentally we are not all equal - for example we are not all of equal intelligence.
My own view is that multiculturalism damages both our national identity and does not do justice either to maintaining that diverse and vibrant society that I feel is so important. Rather it creates differentiated identities, people who do not necessarily see themselves primarily as British. Being British doesn't mean that you surrender your own culture, language or religion. You can still have those things but I feel it is important that people should identify themselves firstly and primarily as British. More importantly they should feel proud of that shared identity and want to be part of a rich, diverse and inclusive society where they feel they belong. I think all to often multiculturalism and the differentiated identities it creates, leaves groups cut off from the prevailing culture and unable to integrate. This of course is not a one way street; to my mind it is an inherent responsibility of all of us, as members of the host society to help others integrate, share and enjoy our culture.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Getting my soap box out
Over the last couple of days there have been several stories in the news, which have made me angry. The first was a story that I heard yesterday on the radio concerning Hertfordshire Police and the distribution of an e-mail that contained images of a black man being decapitated as he fled from police officers in the USA. The preoccupation of this story seemed to be whether the image was regarded as racist or not and the comments I heard on the radio were polarised as to whether it was or wasn't. To me though that line of argument completely missed the point. The more important fact here, was the fact that a number of people in the Police Force felt it appropriate to circulate what I feel are obscene images. Why would anyone wish to see a picture of man or for that matter a woman being decapitated? What perversion drives people to look at things like that? It is beyond belief that people would wish to forward such disgusting images to their colleagues.
What I found surprising that as a result of an internal investigation, no sackings were made, only reprimand's for the 100 or so staff both officers and civilians that were involved in circulating the e-mail. That I find unacceptable and sends completely the wrong message. To my mind any member of the Police Force who participated in sending this e-mail has lost the trust of the community and it must surely bring into question their integrity as serving officers. They should all have been sacked in my view for bringing the Force into disrepute, undermining the respect and position of authority that they hold and for me, above all else, for completely reprehensible and irresponsible actions.
I personally make a point at work of never sending on any e-mails, which contain non-work related content, whether they may be simply jokes or anything else. Most of the e-mails I receive containing non-work related content I never read and delete immediately. My work e-mail is not provided for my personal use, it is there for business purposes and I respect that the company expects me to use it responsibly as I am representing the company in any communications that I send.
The other story that has got my blood boiling both yesterday on the radio and in the papers is the hysterical reporting of the increase in rail fares planned from January. As usual, this annual event, provides an opportunity for the media to trot out the same lame attacks on the railways and to make erroneous and misleading comparisons between the costs of rail travel and other forms of transport.
The facts are as follows. The railways have two main sources of funding - the fare box (i.e. what we pay as passengers) and government funding (from the taxpayer). The government has decided that subsidy to the railways should reduce and therefore the industry has to raise more of its revenue through the fare box, meaning that fares are rising, in some instances somewhat above the rate of inflation. The other important point to bear in mind is that in the recent franchise awards for South West Trains and First Great Western both companies have agreed over the term of their franchises to pay the government premiums of more than £1 billion. There are clearly only two ways that such massive premiums can be delivered: reduce costs by cutting staff and services or increase revenue by raising fares. With more franchises to be re-let next year there is likely to be increasing pressure on both incumbent operators and new bidders to promise to make similar returns to government over the term of the new franchises.
Fares are divided into two categories - regulated fares and unregulated fares. Regulated fares account for about 40% of all tickets sold, such as season tickets and saver tickets and will rise by RPI + 1% or 4.3%. This is a formula agreed with the now defunct Strategic Rail Authority. Unregulated fares such as cheap day returns, long distance open tickets etc are set by the individual operators and some will rise by over 6%.
Looking at the operators that I most often use - this is the average increase for their unregulated fares from January 2007:
Virgin West Coast, 6.6%
Virgin Cross Country, 4.3%
Silverlink County, 4.3%
South West Trains, 5.3%
Central Trains, 5.7%
These are not massive increases and those for Virgin Cross Country and Silverlink County are in line with the increases for regulated fares.
It is also worth pointing out that only around 10% of all tickets sold are full price tickets (according to the Association of Train Operating Companies). Many rail companies offer advance purchase discounted tickets although the complexity of the system probably puts off many people from using these. Then there are also, depending on where you live, railcards available, which can save a 1/3 off the cost of fares.
Only recently I had a trip to Manchester - the return trip cost me £25 plus a £15 First Class supplement for the return trip, so total cost £40!
What the media also fail to mention is the massive investment that has gone into the railways and is on-going. Living on the West Coast Main Line, the evidence of that investment is everywhere to be seen. There are promises of a much improved service from 2008/2009 with major infrastructure improvements such as an additional platform at Milton Keynes Central, a new hourly service serving the Trent Valley, half-hourly services to Manchester and/or Liverpool and the promise of longer trains. Investment costs money and it has to be paid for. The disadvantage that rail has over the car, for example, is that the costs of rail travel are felt directly by the passenger whereas with a car many of the costs are deferred or are hidden.
I wish the media would stop bashing the railways with ill-informed reporting and got to the 'facts.' Even a little balance would be good from time to time!
What I found surprising that as a result of an internal investigation, no sackings were made, only reprimand's for the 100 or so staff both officers and civilians that were involved in circulating the e-mail. That I find unacceptable and sends completely the wrong message. To my mind any member of the Police Force who participated in sending this e-mail has lost the trust of the community and it must surely bring into question their integrity as serving officers. They should all have been sacked in my view for bringing the Force into disrepute, undermining the respect and position of authority that they hold and for me, above all else, for completely reprehensible and irresponsible actions.
I personally make a point at work of never sending on any e-mails, which contain non-work related content, whether they may be simply jokes or anything else. Most of the e-mails I receive containing non-work related content I never read and delete immediately. My work e-mail is not provided for my personal use, it is there for business purposes and I respect that the company expects me to use it responsibly as I am representing the company in any communications that I send.
The other story that has got my blood boiling both yesterday on the radio and in the papers is the hysterical reporting of the increase in rail fares planned from January. As usual, this annual event, provides an opportunity for the media to trot out the same lame attacks on the railways and to make erroneous and misleading comparisons between the costs of rail travel and other forms of transport.
The facts are as follows. The railways have two main sources of funding - the fare box (i.e. what we pay as passengers) and government funding (from the taxpayer). The government has decided that subsidy to the railways should reduce and therefore the industry has to raise more of its revenue through the fare box, meaning that fares are rising, in some instances somewhat above the rate of inflation. The other important point to bear in mind is that in the recent franchise awards for South West Trains and First Great Western both companies have agreed over the term of their franchises to pay the government premiums of more than £1 billion. There are clearly only two ways that such massive premiums can be delivered: reduce costs by cutting staff and services or increase revenue by raising fares. With more franchises to be re-let next year there is likely to be increasing pressure on both incumbent operators and new bidders to promise to make similar returns to government over the term of the new franchises.
Fares are divided into two categories - regulated fares and unregulated fares. Regulated fares account for about 40% of all tickets sold, such as season tickets and saver tickets and will rise by RPI + 1% or 4.3%. This is a formula agreed with the now defunct Strategic Rail Authority. Unregulated fares such as cheap day returns, long distance open tickets etc are set by the individual operators and some will rise by over 6%.
Looking at the operators that I most often use - this is the average increase for their unregulated fares from January 2007:
Virgin West Coast, 6.6%
Virgin Cross Country, 4.3%
Silverlink County, 4.3%
South West Trains, 5.3%
Central Trains, 5.7%
These are not massive increases and those for Virgin Cross Country and Silverlink County are in line with the increases for regulated fares.
It is also worth pointing out that only around 10% of all tickets sold are full price tickets (according to the Association of Train Operating Companies). Many rail companies offer advance purchase discounted tickets although the complexity of the system probably puts off many people from using these. Then there are also, depending on where you live, railcards available, which can save a 1/3 off the cost of fares.
Only recently I had a trip to Manchester - the return trip cost me £25 plus a £15 First Class supplement for the return trip, so total cost £40!
What the media also fail to mention is the massive investment that has gone into the railways and is on-going. Living on the West Coast Main Line, the evidence of that investment is everywhere to be seen. There are promises of a much improved service from 2008/2009 with major infrastructure improvements such as an additional platform at Milton Keynes Central, a new hourly service serving the Trent Valley, half-hourly services to Manchester and/or Liverpool and the promise of longer trains. Investment costs money and it has to be paid for. The disadvantage that rail has over the car, for example, is that the costs of rail travel are felt directly by the passenger whereas with a car many of the costs are deferred or are hidden.
I wish the media would stop bashing the railways with ill-informed reporting and got to the 'facts.' Even a little balance would be good from time to time!
Monday, November 27, 2006
The wonderful music of Samuel Barber
I have certainly mentioned in this blog before my fondness for the music of Samuel Barber, who I would argue was one of the finest American composers of the last century. Today, I received the latest CD in the Naxos collection of his works - Choral Music - in the American Classics series. This was a bargain purchase from HMV.co.uk - just over £3 for a 60-minute CD of pure bliss.
One piece is particularly familiar, Agnus Dei, which is Barber's own vocal arrangement of his famous and popular Adagio for Strings. I've already got this piece a couple of times on other recordings of Barber's work but I enjoy listening to new versions or recordings of the same piece, especially when they are as good as this. Agnus Dei takes the words of the Latin Mass and sets them to the Adagio for Strings, which itself was originally written as a movement of a much larger work. It is extraordinarily powerful and moving.
A much simpler but equally haunting work on the same CD is A Stopwatch and a Ordnance Map, which combines my favourite orchestral instrument - three timpani - with a male chorus to chilling effect. This is a dark and unsettling arrangement, completely at odds with the more romantic and bright compositions that mainly feature on this collection.
I was also interested to see that one of the pieces The Monk and his Cat, features a text arranged by WH Auden, whose poem Night Mail was set to music to memorable effect by Benjamin Britten, featuring in the GPO film of the same name. I have Auden's Night Mail pinned to my noticeboard in the kitchen; its one of my favourite poems.
I don't really know a great deal about Samuel Barber and the liner notes for this CD do little to illuminate the man. I would dearly love to find a good biography of Barber as I am fascinated by what inspired and drove him as a composer.
One piece is particularly familiar, Agnus Dei, which is Barber's own vocal arrangement of his famous and popular Adagio for Strings. I've already got this piece a couple of times on other recordings of Barber's work but I enjoy listening to new versions or recordings of the same piece, especially when they are as good as this. Agnus Dei takes the words of the Latin Mass and sets them to the Adagio for Strings, which itself was originally written as a movement of a much larger work. It is extraordinarily powerful and moving.
A much simpler but equally haunting work on the same CD is A Stopwatch and a Ordnance Map, which combines my favourite orchestral instrument - three timpani - with a male chorus to chilling effect. This is a dark and unsettling arrangement, completely at odds with the more romantic and bright compositions that mainly feature on this collection.
I was also interested to see that one of the pieces The Monk and his Cat, features a text arranged by WH Auden, whose poem Night Mail was set to music to memorable effect by Benjamin Britten, featuring in the GPO film of the same name. I have Auden's Night Mail pinned to my noticeboard in the kitchen; its one of my favourite poems.
I don't really know a great deal about Samuel Barber and the liner notes for this CD do little to illuminate the man. I would dearly love to find a good biography of Barber as I am fascinated by what inspired and drove him as a composer.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Sunday morning
A perfect piece of Sunday morning music came on the radio this morning just as I was about to switch it off - Mahler's Adagietto from Symphony No. 5. I adore this piece although I can never quite decide whether it is romantic or melancholic. It immediately reminds me of the film Death in Venice, where it was extensively used, conjuring vividly to mind desperate longing and sadness. The piece was written by Mahler as a 'love song' to his wife Alma and depending on the way it is played can either be a funeral dirge or an uplifting and beautiful romance. I like it as both; it means something different each time I hear it. Perfect as I say for Sunday mornings and a gentle way to be eased into the day.
If I am disciplined today I should be cracking on with some reading and essay preparation for my OU course. Trouble is, I feel so tired from the week just gone by. Five days travelling to and from London and working yesterday in MK, I've been getting up at 6am every morning, leaving home just before 7am and getting home not much before 7pm every night. I realise its taken quite a toll and moreover I've been eating badly and that has been making me feel unwell. If anyone had said to me before that what you eat affects the way you feel, I would have been dismissive. However, I've really noticed the difference it has made to me this last week or two.
On the plus side my first box of organic fruit and veg arrived on Friday and it looks and smells lovely. I am going to be cooking tonight so will get stuck into making myself a nice roast dinner - got some lovely parsnips, carrots and potatoes. The apples are delicious although the oranges to me look a little pale and not quite ripe or are they supposed to look that way rather than that suspiciously bright orange colour you get if buying from the supermarket?
A roast dinner is for me the ultimate comfort food. If I do the same as I did last week, I make enough for two meals, so that it saves me cooking on another night in the week. As I say not getting home until 7pm means that I am normally not in the mood for making anything and tend to just eat a sandwich or have a bowl of soup. Fortunately there is an excellent restaurant at work so I've been eating my main meals there most days.
I've also notice that by not eating properly and not doing any exercise at all how I feel so much more tired than before and really do lack the energy that I've had previously. I think it's all related. Although the thought of doing half-hour or more on the exercise bike every night isn't particularly appealing, I know that once I get into the routine again, I will feel better and have more energy. Still only one more week in London and then back to MK for work.
I have mixed feelings about moving back to the MK office. One of the nice things about being in London is that we are very much away from all the politics and 'atmosphere' that is present in MK. Not to mention it is a much nicer and more comfortable building that I am working in currently. But not having the travelling every day will make a huge difference and allow me to get back into a more regular routine.
If I am disciplined today I should be cracking on with some reading and essay preparation for my OU course. Trouble is, I feel so tired from the week just gone by. Five days travelling to and from London and working yesterday in MK, I've been getting up at 6am every morning, leaving home just before 7am and getting home not much before 7pm every night. I realise its taken quite a toll and moreover I've been eating badly and that has been making me feel unwell. If anyone had said to me before that what you eat affects the way you feel, I would have been dismissive. However, I've really noticed the difference it has made to me this last week or two.
On the plus side my first box of organic fruit and veg arrived on Friday and it looks and smells lovely. I am going to be cooking tonight so will get stuck into making myself a nice roast dinner - got some lovely parsnips, carrots and potatoes. The apples are delicious although the oranges to me look a little pale and not quite ripe or are they supposed to look that way rather than that suspiciously bright orange colour you get if buying from the supermarket?
A roast dinner is for me the ultimate comfort food. If I do the same as I did last week, I make enough for two meals, so that it saves me cooking on another night in the week. As I say not getting home until 7pm means that I am normally not in the mood for making anything and tend to just eat a sandwich or have a bowl of soup. Fortunately there is an excellent restaurant at work so I've been eating my main meals there most days.
I've also notice that by not eating properly and not doing any exercise at all how I feel so much more tired than before and really do lack the energy that I've had previously. I think it's all related. Although the thought of doing half-hour or more on the exercise bike every night isn't particularly appealing, I know that once I get into the routine again, I will feel better and have more energy. Still only one more week in London and then back to MK for work.
I have mixed feelings about moving back to the MK office. One of the nice things about being in London is that we are very much away from all the politics and 'atmosphere' that is present in MK. Not to mention it is a much nicer and more comfortable building that I am working in currently. But not having the travelling every day will make a huge difference and allow me to get back into a more regular routine.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Grudges
One of my less favourable characteristics is that I often bear grudges against people. Not that there are many people that I don't get along with but when someone crosses me and in doing so hurt my feelings, I don't forget it. I know that holding grudges isn't sensible and it serves no real purpose but there have been just one or two occasions when I have felt so angry that I can't forgive and forget any more than I get just let rip and get my anger out in the open and done with.
Today at work for example we had a visitor to the office. Someone who I used to work with and get on very well with. For whatever reason in the fairly dim and distant past, we had a falling out. Most of my fallings out with people, when they do rarely happen, are usually over something very minor and petty. Unfortunately I have a terrible habit of blowing things out of all proportion and making something that is a relatively minor and easily resolvable dispute something much more deeply personal and significant. Something like that happened with this particular person and I said some things at the time, which I now regret. Maybe I am too much of a coward to admit I was wrong and say sorry. I've thought about it and was forced into a humiliating apology at work over some of the things I said, which were uncharacteristically unprofessional. It is that more than anything which leaves a bitter taste.
This particular person is about my age and has certainly done alright for themselves. They're in a much more influential and better paid job than I am and certainly were always and are a popular and friendly colleague. Indeed one of my colleagues in my previous job was shocked that I'd fallen out with this person and felt that this was completely out of character. To a large extent they are right. My actions were completely out of character at the time and I am regretting it immensely now but I just can't bring myself to bite the bullet as it were, say I am sorry, patch up our differences and repair the working relationship between us.
The cold reality is certainly that I am very jealous of this person that I have fallen out with and that makes me feel very bitter. Its stupid I know because we got on alright and although we never worked together closely, we always had a good rapport and a laugh.
I guess what I am getting to is this: is there a way out of the current situation? Can I move on without losing face and how do I explain away my frostiness and at times downright rudeness towards this person? Or should I just forget and put it behind me as an experience I can learn from and move on?
Today at work for example we had a visitor to the office. Someone who I used to work with and get on very well with. For whatever reason in the fairly dim and distant past, we had a falling out. Most of my fallings out with people, when they do rarely happen, are usually over something very minor and petty. Unfortunately I have a terrible habit of blowing things out of all proportion and making something that is a relatively minor and easily resolvable dispute something much more deeply personal and significant. Something like that happened with this particular person and I said some things at the time, which I now regret. Maybe I am too much of a coward to admit I was wrong and say sorry. I've thought about it and was forced into a humiliating apology at work over some of the things I said, which were uncharacteristically unprofessional. It is that more than anything which leaves a bitter taste.
This particular person is about my age and has certainly done alright for themselves. They're in a much more influential and better paid job than I am and certainly were always and are a popular and friendly colleague. Indeed one of my colleagues in my previous job was shocked that I'd fallen out with this person and felt that this was completely out of character. To a large extent they are right. My actions were completely out of character at the time and I am regretting it immensely now but I just can't bring myself to bite the bullet as it were, say I am sorry, patch up our differences and repair the working relationship between us.
The cold reality is certainly that I am very jealous of this person that I have fallen out with and that makes me feel very bitter. Its stupid I know because we got on alright and although we never worked together closely, we always had a good rapport and a laugh.
I guess what I am getting to is this: is there a way out of the current situation? Can I move on without losing face and how do I explain away my frostiness and at times downright rudeness towards this person? Or should I just forget and put it behind me as an experience I can learn from and move on?
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Some nice things
Towards the end of last week I got a flyer through the door advertising a company which delivers organice produce. Previously I've always been a bit 'anti-organic', it seems so expensive in the shops and I've been doubtful whether it really is organic or for that matter tastes any better. However, this company Abel & Cole (http://www.abel-cole.co.uk) really impressed me. Not only is what they offer organic it is also grown locally, which has got to be better for the environment and the local economy. What really got me hooked though was the fact that they have a great web site and it was so easy to set up an order to be delivered regularly every Friday and I don't have to be in when they deliver, which is a great help. I am impressed by the friendliness and easiness of using the service and I am looking forward to my first delivery of fresh organic fruit and vegetables this Friday.
Recently I've also signed up for the NSPCC £2 a month campaign. It seems such a small amount that I don't notice its gone every month but NSPCC is one of those charities whose work I care about and feel is vitally important. Although I don't have any children of my own it breaks my heart to see or hear about children suffering and okay I am not giving a lot but it helps to make even the smallest difference, its worth it.
Often I find its the small things in life that mean the most to me. Today for instance, I had a card from my friends who married at the end of October thanking me for coming to the wedding and for the present. I thought that was a lovely gesture and I am very touched. It is these little things, the fact that somebody has made a little bit of an effort that means so very much to me personally.
Recently I've also signed up for the NSPCC £2 a month campaign. It seems such a small amount that I don't notice its gone every month but NSPCC is one of those charities whose work I care about and feel is vitally important. Although I don't have any children of my own it breaks my heart to see or hear about children suffering and okay I am not giving a lot but it helps to make even the smallest difference, its worth it.
Often I find its the small things in life that mean the most to me. Today for instance, I had a card from my friends who married at the end of October thanking me for coming to the wedding and for the present. I thought that was a lovely gesture and I am very touched. It is these little things, the fact that somebody has made a little bit of an effort that means so very much to me personally.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Moods
Its a week now that I have been working in London and I am surprised just how much the travelling has affected me. Leaving home just before 7am and not getting back until almost 12 hours later, does take a toll! It isn't solely the fact that I feel too tired most evenings to do anything, it is the knock on effect that then has on other aspects of my life - essentially having to cram most things into the two days of the weekend, which normally I would have done across the week. I am assured by those that have been doing the travelling for a while that it is something that you get used too although as I've only got a couple more weeks to go down in London, I probably won't.
Yesterday I was in Manchester. The original reason for my destination was the Collectormania convention at G-MEX. Friday night though I was so tired that I seriously considered not going at all but then that would be a waste of £25 spent buying the train tickets. I didn't go to Collectormania as it happens anyway, although I did have an enjoyable day in Manchester.
Thing is, the more I thought about it, the more I realised that this convention just wasn't for me. I don't really enjoy conventions, certainly not on such a large scale. I don't collect much and getting autographs no longer has the appeal it once did. More likely I would spend the day walking aimlessly around a great hall, no doubt having to make polite small talk with people that I neither care for nor am particularly interested in meeting. Besides, no one cared for my absence. Moreover, I thought about the reasons why I was going and they weren't because I wanted too. Often I will do things that I believe will please or be pleasing to someone else when they aren't really what I want to do or places I would want to go. Suchaltruismm is fair to an extent but it is neither rewarding nor satisfying for me. I feel, perhaps unfairly, that I often privilege other's needs above my own and then resent them for it. It is my weakness that I resent most.
Instead I had an enjoyable afternoon and evening in Manchester, visiting The Lowry and Imperial War Museum North in Salford and rounding off the day with some Xmas shopping. And I did enjoy it because I did things at my own pace, visited what I wanted to see and spent some quality time doing things that I enjoyed. Yeah, its selfish but I find 'me' time is very important. I enjoy my own space and company most of the time and sometimes I just need to get away from everyone and everything else.
The truth is sometimes I can't cope with it all. I don't mean to the point of suicide, not that serious but just that I can't deal with all the pressures and expectations around me, mostly of my own making. At the heart of this is the contradiction between the person I am and the person I perceive myself as/want to be. They're polar opposites and not likely to ever be one and the same. Most of the time I live with this contradiction with complete ambivalence. The last week and a bit though I've been going through one of my more bleak moods. I wouldn't describe it as depression because that is something altogether more serious but the way I feel at times has certainly been debilitating. I am conscious of when I am like that and I feel the need to be invisible, to completely withdraw and hide away.
What gets me most in these bleak periods is that little voice in my head that tells me I am a failure. Its awful, I don't know that I can describe it. I feel so sad and small, completely worthless. Its like being wounded repeatedly, each cut a little sharper and more painful than the last. I feel pathetic. The self-loathing is completely destructive and unproductive. It becomes a cycle that takes me down a little bit more each time and at moments when it has seemed really bad, there seems to be no way out. But there is, I know there is. There has to be and that is what keeps me going.
What started off this particular episode was what normally starts it all off. The certain realisation that I am getting older and am still single. That doesn't always bother me, now and again though it does. It takes over. I've never said any of this before because I am so afraid. I keep my fear to myself; my real fear. I don't want to live to 70 or 80 and still be alone, to have never fallen in love. I see all the people around me either in or embarking on relationships and I wonder why I can't form anything meaningful with somebody else. And I know why. Because I am afraid.
I can't say what I am afraid of exactly. I think I know. I don't want to admit it because if I say it then I won't be admitting it just to myself. If I could see beyond and see a different and happy me at the end of it, then that would be different. I don't see that though.
I feel better for saying what little I have. It has been going over and over in my mind for a few days. I find writing this a catharsis, a way to bring out some of the bad stuff inside.
I know I will be better. The dark mood of the last week is beginning to lift. It will come back again, I know that too. For now though I want to put that behind me and move on.
Yesterday I was in Manchester. The original reason for my destination was the Collectormania convention at G-MEX. Friday night though I was so tired that I seriously considered not going at all but then that would be a waste of £25 spent buying the train tickets. I didn't go to Collectormania as it happens anyway, although I did have an enjoyable day in Manchester.
Thing is, the more I thought about it, the more I realised that this convention just wasn't for me. I don't really enjoy conventions, certainly not on such a large scale. I don't collect much and getting autographs no longer has the appeal it once did. More likely I would spend the day walking aimlessly around a great hall, no doubt having to make polite small talk with people that I neither care for nor am particularly interested in meeting. Besides, no one cared for my absence. Moreover, I thought about the reasons why I was going and they weren't because I wanted too. Often I will do things that I believe will please or be pleasing to someone else when they aren't really what I want to do or places I would want to go. Suchaltruismm is fair to an extent but it is neither rewarding nor satisfying for me. I feel, perhaps unfairly, that I often privilege other's needs above my own and then resent them for it. It is my weakness that I resent most.
Instead I had an enjoyable afternoon and evening in Manchester, visiting The Lowry and Imperial War Museum North in Salford and rounding off the day with some Xmas shopping. And I did enjoy it because I did things at my own pace, visited what I wanted to see and spent some quality time doing things that I enjoyed. Yeah, its selfish but I find 'me' time is very important. I enjoy my own space and company most of the time and sometimes I just need to get away from everyone and everything else.
The truth is sometimes I can't cope with it all. I don't mean to the point of suicide, not that serious but just that I can't deal with all the pressures and expectations around me, mostly of my own making. At the heart of this is the contradiction between the person I am and the person I perceive myself as/want to be. They're polar opposites and not likely to ever be one and the same. Most of the time I live with this contradiction with complete ambivalence. The last week and a bit though I've been going through one of my more bleak moods. I wouldn't describe it as depression because that is something altogether more serious but the way I feel at times has certainly been debilitating. I am conscious of when I am like that and I feel the need to be invisible, to completely withdraw and hide away.
What gets me most in these bleak periods is that little voice in my head that tells me I am a failure. Its awful, I don't know that I can describe it. I feel so sad and small, completely worthless. Its like being wounded repeatedly, each cut a little sharper and more painful than the last. I feel pathetic. The self-loathing is completely destructive and unproductive. It becomes a cycle that takes me down a little bit more each time and at moments when it has seemed really bad, there seems to be no way out. But there is, I know there is. There has to be and that is what keeps me going.
What started off this particular episode was what normally starts it all off. The certain realisation that I am getting older and am still single. That doesn't always bother me, now and again though it does. It takes over. I've never said any of this before because I am so afraid. I keep my fear to myself; my real fear. I don't want to live to 70 or 80 and still be alone, to have never fallen in love. I see all the people around me either in or embarking on relationships and I wonder why I can't form anything meaningful with somebody else. And I know why. Because I am afraid.
I can't say what I am afraid of exactly. I think I know. I don't want to admit it because if I say it then I won't be admitting it just to myself. If I could see beyond and see a different and happy me at the end of it, then that would be different. I don't see that though.
I feel better for saying what little I have. It has been going over and over in my mind for a few days. I find writing this a catharsis, a way to bring out some of the bad stuff inside.
I know I will be better. The dark mood of the last week is beginning to lift. It will come back again, I know that too. For now though I want to put that behind me and move on.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
New opportunities
It's been a busy week and a strange one in many ways. I won't dwell on the bad stuff at the moment; suffice to say there have been some difficult times recently.
Friday was my last day in my current team at work. I am moving to a new team on Monday and will be working in London for three weeks before returning to MK at the beginning of December. I am mixed with a kind of anticipation and dread. I am not looking forward to the traveling and I feel a little intimidated about the thought of being in London. That contrasts with the excitement of starting a new job at a new office and all the fun things about starting somewhere new. Fortunately I know most of the people I will be working with, albeit not that well and there are some new people starting around the same time as me, so I don't feel too bad about that.
Part of me I think is worried that I am not going to enjoy this new job as much as my last. I've been working in my previous job for 5 years and I think that was enough; its time to move on to something new. On the other hand, I had found my comfort zone. Although there were some issues I had with a couple of the people I worked with, I knew what to expect everyday, what the work was like and how to deal with those I didn't get on with. Maybe its good to be moving about of my comfort zone. It'll be an opportunity to forge new working relationships and get to grips with something a bit different from what I have been doing.
My leaving present was £50 of vouchers. May sound boring and uninspiring but actually I was quite pleased. I took myself down to London yesterday partly to get a flavour of what it will be like come Monday morning and also to cheer myself up with some shopping. It didn't help that I was still feeling sore from Friday night and the one or two many drinks I'd had down the pub! Not to mention all the crap I'd been stuffing in me all day at work - the cakes, sausage rolls etc.
To cheer my mood, I bought Battlestar Galactica Season 2 DVD, which I have wanted for ages, two CD's - Robbie Williams' Greatest Hits and Nina Simone's Songs to Sing, plus three books - 50 Days that Changed History, England: 1000 Things You Need to Know and Impossibility: The Limits of Science and the Science of Limits. So I made good use of those vouchers I got!
Today will mainly be studying as I've got a little behind with my reading and also preparing for Monday and making sure I've got everything ready.
Friday was my last day in my current team at work. I am moving to a new team on Monday and will be working in London for three weeks before returning to MK at the beginning of December. I am mixed with a kind of anticipation and dread. I am not looking forward to the traveling and I feel a little intimidated about the thought of being in London. That contrasts with the excitement of starting a new job at a new office and all the fun things about starting somewhere new. Fortunately I know most of the people I will be working with, albeit not that well and there are some new people starting around the same time as me, so I don't feel too bad about that.
Part of me I think is worried that I am not going to enjoy this new job as much as my last. I've been working in my previous job for 5 years and I think that was enough; its time to move on to something new. On the other hand, I had found my comfort zone. Although there were some issues I had with a couple of the people I worked with, I knew what to expect everyday, what the work was like and how to deal with those I didn't get on with. Maybe its good to be moving about of my comfort zone. It'll be an opportunity to forge new working relationships and get to grips with something a bit different from what I have been doing.
My leaving present was £50 of vouchers. May sound boring and uninspiring but actually I was quite pleased. I took myself down to London yesterday partly to get a flavour of what it will be like come Monday morning and also to cheer myself up with some shopping. It didn't help that I was still feeling sore from Friday night and the one or two many drinks I'd had down the pub! Not to mention all the crap I'd been stuffing in me all day at work - the cakes, sausage rolls etc.
To cheer my mood, I bought Battlestar Galactica Season 2 DVD, which I have wanted for ages, two CD's - Robbie Williams' Greatest Hits and Nina Simone's Songs to Sing, plus three books - 50 Days that Changed History, England: 1000 Things You Need to Know and Impossibility: The Limits of Science and the Science of Limits. So I made good use of those vouchers I got!
Today will mainly be studying as I've got a little behind with my reading and also preparing for Monday and making sure I've got everything ready.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
More reading material
A new Borders book shop opened in MK on Friday and is very conveniently just 10 minutes walk from where I work. So yesterday, after work and before my aforementioned journey home, I had a look round. Wow! I love Borders. Its a huge shop, feels like walking into the Central Library, with its row upon row of shelving, massive selection of magazines and a decent sci-fi section. I didn't even venture upstairs to the Starbucks, music and DVD section!
Needless to say being in Borders and a lover of books, I couldn't leave empty-handed especially as they were offering a 15% discount on everything. So I came away with two magazines and three books.
Keeping up with my interest in all things American, my two main purchases were American Empire: Blood and Iron by Harry Turtledove and The Clash of Civilisations & The Remaking of the World Order by Samuel P Huntington. American Empire is a counter-factual novel set in the aftermath of the Great War. I feel it would have been an advantage if I had read Turtledove's previous Great War books but it does have a handy precis at the beginning to set the scene and introduce the main characters. Essentially, Turtledove writes 'what if?' alternate histories and American Empire starts with a radically different America divided into the USA (which has annexed Canada) and the Confederate States of America (CSA), occupying the southern states, and recently defeated in the Great War. Meanwhile in Europe, it appears that Britain and her allies have been defeated by Germany! Its a huge canvas and one of the first part of a cycle of these novels and I am fascinated by how things will pan out. What shape will the world be in by the end of it?
The second book, by Samuel Huntington is described as the 'classic study of international relations' and a work that was quoted by both Francis Fukuyama and in my OU course on the United States. Having recently finished Fukuyama's After the Neocons, I have a hunger for books on international relations and politics. It joins my brief (although expanding section) of books on America including a detailed history of the Presidency, biographies of FDR, Johnson and Nixon and some more general studies of American history and contemporary politics.
I finished Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land last week and was somewhat perturbed to discover when I was in the Library this week that there is another, unexpurgated version of this novel now available. The version I had read (published in the 1960s) was censored as Heinlein's work was considered too controversial at the time. I found it somewhat impenetrable and the coarseness of some of Heinlein's language oddly outdated. However, if I took anything from it, there were two underlying messages. The first appeared to me to be that all religion is fake, corrupt and offers false hope for the weak. The point seemed to be that we are all God, that it is within us and is us. It reminds me of something that has stuck with me from my school days - the idea that we are all the centre of our own universe. In other words everything revolves around us. We make our destiny and create our own distinction of right from wrong. We have the power within to change and to do good and to atone for sin. We should not look beyond ourselves for the answers to our failings. The other point that struck me was the needlessness of sexual jealousy and that sex is something that should be shared as means of growing closer together. Rather than being something that is seen as being private and generally only between a man and a woman, sex should be open and should be shared freely, even between those of the same sex.
Currently, apart from Turtledove's American Empire, I am reading Frederick Taylor's Dresden, the definitive account of the Allied bombing of the German city of Dresden on 13 February 1945. This is a very well written account, aiming to bring balance and truth to the events of that fateful night.
Needless to say being in Borders and a lover of books, I couldn't leave empty-handed especially as they were offering a 15% discount on everything. So I came away with two magazines and three books.
Keeping up with my interest in all things American, my two main purchases were American Empire: Blood and Iron by Harry Turtledove and The Clash of Civilisations & The Remaking of the World Order by Samuel P Huntington. American Empire is a counter-factual novel set in the aftermath of the Great War. I feel it would have been an advantage if I had read Turtledove's previous Great War books but it does have a handy precis at the beginning to set the scene and introduce the main characters. Essentially, Turtledove writes 'what if?' alternate histories and American Empire starts with a radically different America divided into the USA (which has annexed Canada) and the Confederate States of America (CSA), occupying the southern states, and recently defeated in the Great War. Meanwhile in Europe, it appears that Britain and her allies have been defeated by Germany! Its a huge canvas and one of the first part of a cycle of these novels and I am fascinated by how things will pan out. What shape will the world be in by the end of it?
The second book, by Samuel Huntington is described as the 'classic study of international relations' and a work that was quoted by both Francis Fukuyama and in my OU course on the United States. Having recently finished Fukuyama's After the Neocons, I have a hunger for books on international relations and politics. It joins my brief (although expanding section) of books on America including a detailed history of the Presidency, biographies of FDR, Johnson and Nixon and some more general studies of American history and contemporary politics.
I finished Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land last week and was somewhat perturbed to discover when I was in the Library this week that there is another, unexpurgated version of this novel now available. The version I had read (published in the 1960s) was censored as Heinlein's work was considered too controversial at the time. I found it somewhat impenetrable and the coarseness of some of Heinlein's language oddly outdated. However, if I took anything from it, there were two underlying messages. The first appeared to me to be that all religion is fake, corrupt and offers false hope for the weak. The point seemed to be that we are all God, that it is within us and is us. It reminds me of something that has stuck with me from my school days - the idea that we are all the centre of our own universe. In other words everything revolves around us. We make our destiny and create our own distinction of right from wrong. We have the power within to change and to do good and to atone for sin. We should not look beyond ourselves for the answers to our failings. The other point that struck me was the needlessness of sexual jealousy and that sex is something that should be shared as means of growing closer together. Rather than being something that is seen as being private and generally only between a man and a woman, sex should be open and should be shared freely, even between those of the same sex.
Currently, apart from Turtledove's American Empire, I am reading Frederick Taylor's Dresden, the definitive account of the Allied bombing of the German city of Dresden on 13 February 1945. This is a very well written account, aiming to bring balance and truth to the events of that fateful night.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Happy days and Saturdays
There are some days when I just feel full of euphoria and contentment. They don't come often but like today I feel on a high. Don't know why. Nothing particularly great or nice has happened. I just feel fine about life.
Saturdays are my favourite days of the week, which probably helps. I try to treat Saturdays as 'me days' where I do something that I want to. Every other day of the week (including Sundays) is normally occupied with work or course-work or chores. Saturday though is the day that I set aside to do the things I want. Often that means setting out early on a trip somewhere. On various Saturday's this year I've been as far afield as Plymouth, York, Carlisle and Cardiff. I love the adventure of a long journey and the anticipation of arriving either at somewhere familiar or new.
I don't always set off on such epic day trips. Most often it will be a day out somewhere local and quite often around Milton Keynes. The longer I am here and the more I see, I realise that I am beginning to see this place as my home and falling in love with it. Like everywhere else, MK is not perfect. It may have been sold in the 1980s as an urban utopia but you cannot manufacture the 'perfect city' although they made a damned good effort.
One of the reasons for my good mood today is the lovely walk home I took from work. This is one of my more idiosyncratic pleasures. Namely, after working on a Saturday morning and assuming I have nothing to bother me for the afternoon, I will try and find the longest and most circuitous route home. At all costs trying to avoid the main roads (which is surprisingly easy in MK) and exploring some of the other estates and green spaces. Today, my walk took me via Loughton village, the Teardrop Lakes and the Shenley's into North Furzton.
Despite the popular misconception, MK is not all concrete cows and roundabouts. There are many delightful parks and open spaces, rivers, canals, lakes and woods. The nicer parts are often hidden from the motorist and although MK is the city of the motor car, it is only as a pedestrian that you appreciate just what a wonderfully green city it is.
Its these simple pleasures - long walks, the open air - that give me a real buzz. It's funny to think that sometimes I almost forget that I am in a city with a population of over 200,000. Take this afternoon for example, as soon as I came into North Furzton, I was struck by the peacefulness. You rarely see anyone else walking along the redways and often the only accompaniment is the sound of bird song. Traffic and the bustle of a city are far away memories. I like the peace and quiet and the fact that all the amenities of a major city are close at hand. Its that unique balance that makes MK such a nice place to live.
Saturdays are my favourite days of the week, which probably helps. I try to treat Saturdays as 'me days' where I do something that I want to. Every other day of the week (including Sundays) is normally occupied with work or course-work or chores. Saturday though is the day that I set aside to do the things I want. Often that means setting out early on a trip somewhere. On various Saturday's this year I've been as far afield as Plymouth, York, Carlisle and Cardiff. I love the adventure of a long journey and the anticipation of arriving either at somewhere familiar or new.
I don't always set off on such epic day trips. Most often it will be a day out somewhere local and quite often around Milton Keynes. The longer I am here and the more I see, I realise that I am beginning to see this place as my home and falling in love with it. Like everywhere else, MK is not perfect. It may have been sold in the 1980s as an urban utopia but you cannot manufacture the 'perfect city' although they made a damned good effort.
One of the reasons for my good mood today is the lovely walk home I took from work. This is one of my more idiosyncratic pleasures. Namely, after working on a Saturday morning and assuming I have nothing to bother me for the afternoon, I will try and find the longest and most circuitous route home. At all costs trying to avoid the main roads (which is surprisingly easy in MK) and exploring some of the other estates and green spaces. Today, my walk took me via Loughton village, the Teardrop Lakes and the Shenley's into North Furzton.
Despite the popular misconception, MK is not all concrete cows and roundabouts. There are many delightful parks and open spaces, rivers, canals, lakes and woods. The nicer parts are often hidden from the motorist and although MK is the city of the motor car, it is only as a pedestrian that you appreciate just what a wonderfully green city it is.
Its these simple pleasures - long walks, the open air - that give me a real buzz. It's funny to think that sometimes I almost forget that I am in a city with a population of over 200,000. Take this afternoon for example, as soon as I came into North Furzton, I was struck by the peacefulness. You rarely see anyone else walking along the redways and often the only accompaniment is the sound of bird song. Traffic and the bustle of a city are far away memories. I like the peace and quiet and the fact that all the amenities of a major city are close at hand. Its that unique balance that makes MK such a nice place to live.
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