At the beginning of this year I set myself eight specific goals that I wanted to achieve by the end of 2008. I didn't mention them on here nor will I go into them into that much detail now as I feel they are personal to me and I don't want to discuss them openly. Looking at these eight goals now I feel disappointed at what little progress I have made. The fact that I have made some progress I should be pleased about.
One of my personal objectives was to become less inhibited by that little voice that always holds me back from doing things and stops me from being as open as I feel I should be. Recently I've been thinking more about this and it struck me today that one thing I need to change is my willingness to cave in to other people's demands and wants. I am not strong mentally it seems and I find it hard to say no to things that I don't want to do or don't agree with. I rarely, if ever, argue with anyone because I am a defeatist when it comes to arguments, convinced that I will lose before I even start and moreover I'd do anything for the quiet and easy life. There have been occasions, mainly through work, where I have been pushed into a corner over something and then all my frustration and anger comes out but it is futile really becasue it isn't constructive and certainly doesn't deliver any benefits to me.
All to often I feel pressurised into doing things that I really don't want to do or go along with what other people want because I feel that it will please them to do so. I don't often push for what I want. I've been thinking today that I have this idea that I must justify myself and must be accountable for the decisions I make. Well, certainly that is true for some things but amongst friends, do I really need to be able to justify myself? If I don't want to do something can't I just say so?
I am not going to mention specific examples of what I mean because that isn't fair and it isn't anyone elses fault but my own. I need to say what I feel and what I want and not just assume that going along with what someone else wants is always the best action.