Wednesday, April 04, 2007

What's my motivation?

That's what I am wondering at the moment. Work is still crap, monumentally boring days of the same dull repetitive processing applications one after another. This is not what I signed up for and its not stretching or challenging me in anyway. In fact I get so bored that I loose interest in what I do. I am sure I've made some silly mistakes but nobody seems to care, nothing gets checked, nobody can be bothered or has any time to be, so why should I? Its bad, I know. I am getting into a negative and corrosive mind-set, which isn't going to shift by me moping about at work all day, moaning about how rubbish it is. I suppose I should be looking for a new job but it all seems like a lot more hassle and I feel tired and fed up with work without thinking about doing something else.

Then there's my OU course, which I am finding just as much a struggle. An essay that should have been finished last week has been barely started. I never find writing essays easy. I struggle with the words, I am always unhappy with the end result even if I get good marks because I focus on what I should have done differently and better rather than what I did well. I find it a drag but know that I must get it finished by this weekend. Most importantly if I don't I miss the extended deadline and will fail the course. Secondly, I don't fancy spending the whole of Easter hammering out an essay that is driving me mad as it is.

As a result of feeling fed up and bored I've been over-eating. I shocked myself when I thought back on what I ate on Monday. In fact by the time I had my dinner I felt so bloated that I thought I was going to be sick. I've not felt completely well since and I am sure it is because of all the junk I am eating at the moment. It is just comfort food, although stuffing myself with food like that is just stupid. It shocks me just what a fine line it is between being perfectly normal and happy and loosing all control and being completely stupid.

Maybe as a result of all this, I've not been sleeping well, having some really bad dreams over the last couple of nights. I hesitate to call them nightmares although there have been occasions when I've woken absolutely terrified convinced that something awful has happened. I don't remember much about them afterwards, just an unpleasant and unnerving feeling.

I am hoping that the Easter break and my few days away the following week will help me to relax and get out of this negative cycle. If nothing else it'll give me some time to reflect and perhaps decide what I want to do going forward.

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