Well my two weeks annual leave are almost at an end. How can a fortnight disappear so quickly while also feeling like I have achieved so little? I always feel guilty at the end of a holiday if I perceive that I haven't achieved anything. Although I should perhaps clarify what I mean by this. Basically I have this idea that I should aways be doing something - whether it be as I was last week setting up new furniture and painting or just catching up on paperwork and other odd jobs that need to be done. I never feel really comfortable just forsaking everything and saying, okay, I am going to have an afternoon or even a whole day to myself when I don't have to do anything. I can just crash out in front of the TV and watch a few DVD's, just be a real slob for a few hours. Funnily, I never have difficulty achieving this when visiting friends!
I am not a workaholic either. I enjoy my work, although not all the other crap and office politics that goes with it. However, I am not someone who turns into the office early every morning and leaves after everyone else. Oh no! Normally, I scrape in just before nine, will take an hour for lunch and be leaving again by 5 or as soon thereafter as possible. I hardly put in anymore than I am paid for. However when it comes to my own time its a different matter. That's the reason why I refuse to stay in bed past 9am, even on a weekend. Hell, this is my time and I am not going to waste it sleeping!
It is because I see 'my time' as being so precious that I always want it to be meaningful and utilised doing something which moves forward. I get a lot of satisfaction from getting a job done, even the simple, routine things. I feel if I have achieved something with my time, however modest, it is time well spent and I can reasonably not feel guilty about it. If I've just been slouching round the flat and not doing much, then I invariably feel guilty and then wonder what I could have done if I hadn't let the hours slip by. This doesn't help, as it merely feeds the guilt.
I guess all this comes back to something else, which I mentioned before in one of my blogs. My need for structure. To have goals and targets and to feel that things are being achieved. I like having routines and tasks to complete. It keeps me motivated and focused. Perhaps that's why I don't like days of doing nothing.