Grudges

One of my less favourable characteristics is that I often bear grudges against people. Not that there are many people that I don't get along with but when someone crosses me and in doing so hurt my feelings, I don't forget it. I know that holding grudges isn't sensible and it serves no real purpose but there have been just one or two occasions when I have felt so angry that I can't forgive and forget any more than I get just let rip and get my anger out in the open and done with.

Today at work for example we had a visitor to the office. Someone who I used to work with and get on very well with. For whatever reason in the fairly dim and distant past, we had a falling out. Most of my fallings out with people, when they do rarely happen, are usually over something very minor and petty. Unfortunately I have a terrible habit of blowing things out of all proportion and making something that is a relatively minor and easily resolvable dispute something much more deeply personal and significant. Something like that happened with this particular person and I said some things at the time, which I now regret. Maybe I am too much of a coward to admit I was wrong and say sorry. I've thought about it and was forced into a humiliating apology at work over some of the things I said, which were uncharacteristically unprofessional. It is that more than anything which leaves a bitter taste.

This particular person is about my age and has certainly done alright for themselves. They're in a much more influential and better paid job than I am and certainly were always and are a popular and friendly colleague. Indeed one of my colleagues in my previous job was shocked that I'd fallen out with this person and felt that this was completely out of character. To a large extent they are right. My actions were completely out of character at the time and I am regretting it immensely now but I just can't bring myself to bite the bullet as it were, say I am sorry, patch up our differences and repair the working relationship between us.

The cold reality is certainly that I am very jealous of this person that I have fallen out with and that makes me feel very bitter. Its stupid I know because we got on alright and although we never worked together closely, we always had a good rapport and a laugh.

I guess what I am getting to is this: is there a way out of the current situation? Can I move on without losing face and how do I explain away my frostiness and at times downright rudeness towards this person? Or should I just forget and put it behind me as an experience I can learn from and move on?